Single Fathers

[dsheinem]

So as I mentioned a few weeks ago, my marriage is heading for a divorce. While this is a tough thing, I believe it is ultimately a positive thing for my son, for myself, and probably for my soon to be ex-wife. Given the reasons leading up to the divorce, I expect that very soon I will have full custody of my son (at least initially) and that my wife will have supervised visitation at first. Eventually I'd like to arrange a more manageable and equitable joint custody arrangement, if possible.

In any case, I am going to soon be a single dad to a six year old. There's not a lot of friends and family that I know that have been in and around post-divorce parenthood, and I thought I'd turn to my friends here for some thoughts on the topic...

I know there are a wealth of materials, forums, etc. out there on the web that I could consult on this, but I have always (strangely?) found that bouncing serious life stuff off the RB community has yielded welcome results. So, in my mind, this could be a catch-all thread for discussion of issues facing single fathers (are there any single moms around? If so, I can modify this OP...).

For those of you who are doing/have done the single father thing, what have you found to be some of the biggest obstacles and how have you overcome them? Were there fears that you had going into single fatherhood that you found to be well placed or, by contrast, unfounded? For those of you who were raised in whole or in part by single fathers, what did you appreciate or what did you resent?

[jp1]

So as I mentioned a few weeks ago, my marriage is heading for a divorce. While this is a tough thing, I believe it is ultimately a positive thing for my son, for myself, and probably for my soon to be ex-wife. Given the reasons leading up to the divorce, I expect that very soon I will have full custody of my son (at least initially) and that my wife will have supervised visitation at first. Eventually I'd like to arrange a more manageable and equitable joint custody arrangement, if possible.

In any case, I am going to soon be a single dad to a six year old. There's not a lot of friends and family that I know that have been in and around post-divorce parenthood, and I thought I'd turn to my friends here for some thoughts on the topic...

I know there are a wealth of materials, forums, etc. out there on the web that I could consult on this, but I have always (strangely?) found that bouncing serious life stuff off the RB community has yielded welcome results. So, in my mind, this could be a catch-all thread for discussion of issues facing single fathers (are there any single moms around? If so, I can modify this OP...).

For those of you who are doing/have done the single father thing, what have you found to be some of the biggest obstacles and how have you overcome them? Were there fears that you had going into single fatherhood that you found to be well placed or, by contrast, unfounded? For those of you who were raised in whole or in part by single fathers, what did you appreciate or what did you resent?

Sorry to hear that Dave. But, if it is for the best, it is for the best. I have done the split custody thing with my daughter. It isn't really the same as I wasn't really single during most of this and her mother and I did not share a long relationship prior to our split. I do have some idea of difficulties and compromises you may face, but everyone has a different story. I'd be happy to chime in on any specifics you have been curious about though. My daughter's mom was not always the easiest person in the world to deal with (neither was I), so I could offer some tips on conflict resolution and working through communication barriers and difficulties with consistency.

Consistency especially will probably be the most important thing to keep in mind, and the most difficult thing to deal with if joint custody or unsupervised visitation become a part of your situation. When you are a couple you are usually more inclined to compromise when you don't see eye to eye on topics concerning your child's direction or their boundaries and rules...this changes dramatically when/if your relationship really becomes strained. Personally, I have found this to be the largest obstacle.

As far as being completely single, I only really did that for a year or so, and during this time her mother and I were pretty good friends which made for a much different dynamic. Not sure how much insight I could offer on that particular angle.

I'd be happy to elaborate. I know that is all rather vague. Also, feel free to take things to PM if there are any more personal aspects you'd rather not hash out publicly. I know some folks here have been through the ugly side of this, I can offer a perspective of someone who managed to mostly avoid that.

Wish you the best.

[jmbarnes101]

I'm very sorry to hear about your situation and in a weird sort of a way it can be a blessing for everyone though it can be very difficult on the child. Make sure that he knows and understands that he had absolutely nothing to do with your divorce, even if he did, and that you are both love him very much. He may think you might get back together again so it might help to nip that in the bud as well. Most importantly is that you be yourself and that you be there for him as much as possible even if that means sacrificing some or most of your wants for a while. Also try to include your ex as much as you can since he'll still need a mother. It's rewarding in the end.

I've been a single dad for almost 8 years now so I'm certainly willing to answer any questions or offer up advice if you need it. My ex and I have 50/50 custody and no set schedule due to her retail job. We have also lived in the same apt building for the past 5 years so our situation is a bit different then most people. It's challenging and the whole thing was scary especially since I have no family around as they all live up by Duluth, Mike's stomping grounds, but it's gotten better over the years. Plus my kids are girls so I'm not always knowledgeable about some of the things they are going through but I manage.

[Exhuminator]

Well Dsh hate it had to end that way, but if it's for the better, so be it.

I've got a seventeen year old daughter. I've been a single father throughout her whole life. By single, I mean unmarried. I've had various relationships over those seventeen years of varying lengths. (I'm actually currently engaged to married this October.) Reflecting on those 17 years as a single dad, here's the advice I can give:

Get visitation rights on paper, assembled by lawyers, signed off on by a judge. Right now if you and your soon to be ex-wife are getting along okay on the visitation front, it might seem that you don't need to get a court involved. The thing is, feelings change and animosity can build up over time. When that happens, it gets messy. It's best to have visitation rights ironed out beforehand just in case. I understand you're saying that you have custody now. But without that on paper, your ex-wife could change her mind and challenge you in court over custody, and being a woman she will likely win. That's not misogyny speaking, it's just the way this usually goes. If she's willing to sign over custody now, get that legally recognized ASAP. If you're already on the ball with this, good on you.

Things you should and shouldn't do to a kid who's split between divorced parents. This advice comes from my own mistakes and regrets, this is the real deal:

Whether or not you want to admit it to yourself, your son is taking collateral damage from this situation. If you think the divorce is hard on you emotionally, it's ten times harder on your son. He might not show it, but it is. Pretty much every kid with divorced parents deep down inside wishes that their parents had not separated. I split up with my daughter's mother when she was only four months old. Thirteen years later my daughter told me she wished that her mother and I had worked it out. I realized then that this has never been easy on my daughter, despite her being so young when we split up. So make sure, make very sure, that your son understands he can talk to you about his feelings concerning the separation. Ask him to tell you how he feels, and do your best to explain to him clearly why it's better this way.

Never talk bad about the kid's mother in front of him. It will be tempting to do this at times, understandably. The thing is, your son loves his mom because she's his mom, and hearing negative things about her will hurt his feelings even if he says nothing about it.

When you start dating again, keep the new love interests outside of your son's life until you are absolutely sure one is a relationship with promise. I had a revolving door of relationships while my daughter was growing up and I'm pretty sure her seeing that made her feel (at least subconsciously) that relationships are more disposable than they actually are. Don't think that simply telling your son "this lady is my friend" is actually going to fool him. Kids are smarter than we think. It's also dangerous in that your son might grow attached to someone you're casually dating and feel a loss when you two split up. So it's best to just keep him out of your dating loop until someone shows significant staying power.

When your ex starts dating again to the point of tangible fruition, and your son acquires a step-father, you will feel some really fucked up emotions. Sorry to be so blunt, but there's no better description, you will have fucked up feelings. Well push those bastard feelings to the side. Always remember you are his true father, and he knows that, and no one else can take that away. Don't encourage him to dislike his step-dad just because you will likely dislike his step-dad. But be sure your son understands with absolutely clarity that if his step-dad ever steps out of line in any abusive manner whatsoever, that your son is to report this to you with utmost urgency. Step-parents can be wonderful amazing people to their step-children. Or they can take out their feelings of malcontent towards step-children, because said step-children represent symbolism to them of past transgressions against their current love interest. Fucked up feelings, be prepared.

You have to back the other parent's rules. It can be very tiring for a kid growing up between two different households insofar as following each individual parent's rules. If he's not allowed to eat supper in front of the TV at your house, he needs to not do that at his mother's. If he's not allowed to stay up past 11pm at his mother's house, it needs to be the same rule at yours. Otherwise your son will end up with the "well at my dad's house this" and "at my mom's house this" argument to toss into your respective faces whenever he feels he can use it as a strategic angle! Also seeing that despite the differences, his mother and father agree on how he's raised will be comforting for him.

Your son loves his mother. Sometimes his love for her is going to make you jealous, because you may feel under-appreciated by him. You might feel like you're in a contest between your ex-wife and yourself for his attention and adoration. This is a byproduct of the underlying disassociation between yourself and your ex. To combat these feelings, remind yourself that your son loves you just as much. And that your ex is also feeling these pangs of jealously and under-appreciation the same as you are. Always try to put your point of perception through your son's eyes on this matter.

Raising your son properly is not a contest between yourself and your ex. But at times, it's going to feel that way. For example your ex might feel piano is better for him as an after-school activity, but you might think karate is instead. Your ex and yourself have got to agree that when it comes down to something like this, your son gets to make the key decision. And the other parent has to suck it up and just roll with it. It will be tempting to feel a bit of jealously when your son chooses his mother's advice over yours (it will happen and vice versa), but keep that in perspective. He's not by proxy giving her dominion, maybe he really would rather play piano than kick a dude in the head. It's his decision.

Raising a kid as divorced parents is not an easy road. You've got a long hard path ahead of you. But as long as you respect your son as a mini-adult, and show him you love him in what you do, not what you say, you're gonna be alright Dsh, and so will he.

Two pieces of general parenting advice that are the best I can give:

Not saying you do this, but if you do... never talk down to your son just because he's a kid. Talk to him like an adult, tell him the truth if asks a question, no matter if it's uncomfortable or not. Explain things to him matter of fact, direct and with utmost transparency. Our kids are smarter than we think they are. If you lie to your son for any reason, chances are he will figure out that lie eventually and start doubting your word because of it. If he doesn't understand a complex issue after you explain it directly like he's an adult, let him mull over it, I bet he'll figure it out.

The most important thing you can ever give your son is your time. All the candy and toys in the world mean jack squat in the end. When he's grown up (and that's gonna happen fast), looking back what he will remember with fondness is the time you spent together as father and son. He won't remember what he got for his 8th birthday, or how many candy bars you ever bought him. But as an adult he will remember the fun things you two did together, and realize that you chose to do those things with him, instead of spending that time doing something selfish on your own.

As far as parenting books go, I only recommend this one:



If you have any other specific questions feel free to ask.

[fastbilly1]

I have several friends who have gone through this and I was a sounding board for them so my advice was from a side angle, but Exhuminator said everything I had typed up. I will however echo one point again:

Get visitation rights on paper, assembled by lawyers, signed off on by a judge.

If you dont do this, you WILL have issues down the road. A friend of mine and his wife broke up amicably, but five years later she got it in her mind she got screwed and took full custody and kicked him out except for the required one weekend a month. Then she turned the kids on him, he almost killed himself over it all. I am not saying that to scare you, I am just saying, get it all on paper and signed. Do not believe that if it is just notarized it will cover you, the courts need to be involved.

[Jagosaurus]

Sorry to hear Dave. As a new Dad, I can see this being rough in a new light.

I'm posting this before reading others comments so I stay on track with my initial thoughts from your OP.

My late Grandfather, my father's dad, & my grandmother got a divorce when my dad was 8. Without getting into it, the split up was merited, and I thank God my dad ended up with my Grandfather.

The bachelor pad was comprised of my grandfather, my dad, his older brother, and my dads best friend who my grandpa took in. The divorce had the potential to be disastrous on my dad's home life but my grandpa used it as an opportunity to rise to the occasion and always be there for my dad and teach him life lessons, which were in turn passed on to me. He and my dad became best friends through these tribulations. It was very cool to see their strong relationship while I growing up.

While no hard bullet points of advice here, I wanted to share an encouraging story of a single father that directly impacted my life.

[Anapan]

I don't know how much usable input I can add to what has already been said, but I know a few guys who are single fathers. One of my best friends is one. Through his many conversations about it the truth is there was no other more positive way to handle things when keeping his kids' best interest into account. He tried really hard, but she had mounting issues and was getting violent more and more often and would not talk about it. It was too hard to hide what was happening and it was affecting his kids negatively. To keep his kids from the danger he had no choice. I'm good friends with both his kids (one is only 3 years younger than me and lived at my house for a few years) and they also agreed that it was for the best, but he had to work a lot more and his absence from raising them has always gotten a bit of resentment from them. Now that they're grown up they respect his decision, and although they talk to her occasionally they keep their distance...

Sorry to hear that man, but being responsible means making the best decision. It's only recently that there has been some reconciliation in their family. I hope you can keep everything together better than he did.

[jmbarnes101]

Great advice there Dsh, especially from Exhuminator who said everything I was thinking only in a much better way.

I remember something Judge Judy said once when she had a divorced couple in her courtroom who were paying more attention to their squabbles then their own kid. She said "you need to love your kid(s) more then you dislike/hate your ex". It's so true even when the ex does something that truly ticks you off. I don't know the situation with your soon to be ex but I'm sure this applies to everyone at some point in the process.

[Gunstar Green]

Jeez I didn't know this was happening. I'm really sorry.

Anyway I'm right down the road if you ever need some help or just somebody to hang with.

[dsheinem]

Jeez I didn't know this was happening. I'm really sorry.

Anyway I'm right down the road if you ever need some help or just somebody to hang with.

Much appreciated. I can fill you in on the grisly details sometime soon.

Thanks to everyone weighing in so far. Exhuminator, that post is gold. I'd certainly welcome more input, too. In time, perhaps, I can offer my own thoughts on what I'm encountering...