I don't know how to say this but I'm afraid i need help dealing with my older brothers death. I'm not afraid to Amit that or share that with my gaming community. It's going to be a month since rich has fied and I'm still in shock.
See I thought I was fine and this would be behind like a grandparent or my uncle butchie who don't get me wrong I miss them and wish they were here but i have never felt so empty like he tore my heart out. Worse than any thing I've ever felt in my life.
Yesterday at work I broke down bad. My work was awesome about it and they have therapist I can talk to and I did make the call to set up an opointment.
I've been trying to get on track with collecting game gear to keep my mind off of things and sell games I don't play to keep my mind busy. Ive been tossing up to sell even the ps2 and the 3ds and my Atari but my wife and my friend told me hold off because I'm selling stuff out of emotion and would be worse in a few months and I'm not thinking right at this time.
I can't do this. Rich was the strong one in the family. He made sure the family was together and now I feel like I have to do it. I haven't worked out at all. I went to kenpo karate once since his death and I'm eating garbage. I'm really trying to take care of myself and stay positive but I feel like I'm just waking up and doing chores and living life with no emotion or drive behind it. I don't want to spiral down to an unsafe place.
If anyone has lost a brother or maybe a father or mother like I did can you please tell me what you guys did to get your life back in track as best as you can. I need advice.
I called my boss to let him know I was safe driving home last night and I called the hotline to give me a therapist. I feel like I made a good step doing that but until I see that person any help would be appreciated. Thank you
Looking for advice on dealing with brothers loss
Re: Looking for advice on dealing with brothers loss
I really appreciate the bravery of this post, as I think too often people who are going through what you are going through tend to keep those feelings bottled up inside and never address them (sometimes not until they manifest themselves in some kind of destructive behavior).
I actually was really glad to hear that you've got what sounds like a fantastic support network in your family and coworkers. Getting in touch with a therapist was a vital first step, and it sounds like you have a boss that will be understanding and who cares - that is very valuable. Your wife and your friend both seem like they are aware of how emotional you are right now and are trying to help you through all of this, so that's great too. I would continue to lean on these people in ways that make sense and let them lift you up during this time, especially in this interim before you start seeing professional help.
So other than confirming that you are doing the right things and that you are completely justified in feeling how you feel right now, I would just add that - given your support network, especially - you shouldn't be expected to change yourself because of your brother's passing. So even if he was the person who helped the family stick together, that doesn't mean that you now have that responsibility and so you shouldn't worry about doing it unless you actually want to do it. What will likely happen is that A) you and other family members will all adjust to be a bit more proactive in compensating for the "force" that was lost or B) the family dynamics change considerably now that your brother is passed. In either case, I don't think you should think of those changes as negative - family dynamics change over time, and you may find that there are decades where the family acts like X, another decade where it acts like Y, and then another decade later where it acts like Z or goes back and acts more like X again. Those changes are normal and healthy, and no family member should be forced to face some burden of trying to keep everything the same as it always was - so try and drop that particular concern from your grief process if you can!
I think you are doing the right things in acknowledging your pain, in thinking about your habits, etc. I think that getting wrapped up in some kind of distraction is a good idea, too - researching Game Gear games, marathoning a bunch of movies that you like, organizing your collection, trying new foods, etc. - those are helpful things to do as you move through what you are moving through, so keep at it. The fact that you are noticing your lack of exercise makes me think that you will also find your way back to it fairly soon.
Finally, if you really need to talk to a professional I would encourage you to do so. From what I remember about where you live (Worcester area?) you can call 866-549-2142 and talk to a counselor on the phone 24/7. No one wants you to go to an "unsafe place", so use the resources you have available to prevent that from happening. The fact that you can make the post that you did, the fact that you already set up an appointment, and the fact that you have acknowledged your support network makes me hopeful that you'll keep doing the right things. Tap into all that, make calls when you need to, and keep on moving through the process so that you can return to feeling more yourself!
I actually was really glad to hear that you've got what sounds like a fantastic support network in your family and coworkers. Getting in touch with a therapist was a vital first step, and it sounds like you have a boss that will be understanding and who cares - that is very valuable. Your wife and your friend both seem like they are aware of how emotional you are right now and are trying to help you through all of this, so that's great too. I would continue to lean on these people in ways that make sense and let them lift you up during this time, especially in this interim before you start seeing professional help.
So other than confirming that you are doing the right things and that you are completely justified in feeling how you feel right now, I would just add that - given your support network, especially - you shouldn't be expected to change yourself because of your brother's passing. So even if he was the person who helped the family stick together, that doesn't mean that you now have that responsibility and so you shouldn't worry about doing it unless you actually want to do it. What will likely happen is that A) you and other family members will all adjust to be a bit more proactive in compensating for the "force" that was lost or B) the family dynamics change considerably now that your brother is passed. In either case, I don't think you should think of those changes as negative - family dynamics change over time, and you may find that there are decades where the family acts like X, another decade where it acts like Y, and then another decade later where it acts like Z or goes back and acts more like X again. Those changes are normal and healthy, and no family member should be forced to face some burden of trying to keep everything the same as it always was - so try and drop that particular concern from your grief process if you can!
I think you are doing the right things in acknowledging your pain, in thinking about your habits, etc. I think that getting wrapped up in some kind of distraction is a good idea, too - researching Game Gear games, marathoning a bunch of movies that you like, organizing your collection, trying new foods, etc. - those are helpful things to do as you move through what you are moving through, so keep at it. The fact that you are noticing your lack of exercise makes me think that you will also find your way back to it fairly soon.
Finally, if you really need to talk to a professional I would encourage you to do so. From what I remember about where you live (Worcester area?) you can call 866-549-2142 and talk to a counselor on the phone 24/7. No one wants you to go to an "unsafe place", so use the resources you have available to prevent that from happening. The fact that you can make the post that you did, the fact that you already set up an appointment, and the fact that you have acknowledged your support network makes me hopeful that you'll keep doing the right things. Tap into all that, make calls when you need to, and keep on moving through the process so that you can return to feeling more yourself!
Re: Looking for advice on dealing with brothers loss
Losing a family member is painful. The closer you are, the more gutted you feel. That's because they were so valuable and meant so much to you. Their absence is tangible, like losing a limb. You sort of imagine they will always be there, and when they are gone, it is impossible to believe. It's shocking and it hurts. As the grieving goes on, you just seem to spend the day endlessly cycling between emotions of anger, sadness, desperation, worry, and gratitude for what was.
There is no easy answer to how to feel better. You can dive into work full force for awhile, or distract in games or movies or something like that, but then you see something like his favorite soup on aisle 6 of the grocery store and start thinking about how he used to laugh at the dinner table, and you're suddenly fighting back tears and feeling like a weirdo crying in public in front of a soup can. It's hard to want to feel entirely better too, or at least it would seem really weird to not feel anything. The pain is a reminder that he mattered.
It is helpful to have a funeral, but even after that, to continue to spend time with friends and family. To be close with others who knew him and can trade stories. It's sad and comforting to remember the best parts of who he was, and funny to remember the stupid stuff he used to do. It also helps you cement your memories, because you don't want to forget this person. You might even find it helpful to write out some of your favorite stories.
Grieving is a painful process, and it really is a process. It takes its time, and it takes it on its own clock. You don't want it, but it's the burden you are left with, and its up to you to work through it. It's hard to say when you'll be able to think about your brother and not immediately miss him. That may never stop entirely, but it happens less and less. Over time you learn to abbreviate the sadness, to acknowledge the loss without being consumed by it, and carry on. You just have to go through the painful grieving to get there. And don't forget that you mean this much to other people too. You have a life with them to keep living out. Plus, there are other people who you don't want to fail to appreciate who are in your life right now. It can help to be grateful for the things you have, but the loss has to be respected and endured. The grieving will take the time it needs to take.
There is no easy answer to how to feel better. You can dive into work full force for awhile, or distract in games or movies or something like that, but then you see something like his favorite soup on aisle 6 of the grocery store and start thinking about how he used to laugh at the dinner table, and you're suddenly fighting back tears and feeling like a weirdo crying in public in front of a soup can. It's hard to want to feel entirely better too, or at least it would seem really weird to not feel anything. The pain is a reminder that he mattered.
It is helpful to have a funeral, but even after that, to continue to spend time with friends and family. To be close with others who knew him and can trade stories. It's sad and comforting to remember the best parts of who he was, and funny to remember the stupid stuff he used to do. It also helps you cement your memories, because you don't want to forget this person. You might even find it helpful to write out some of your favorite stories.
Grieving is a painful process, and it really is a process. It takes its time, and it takes it on its own clock. You don't want it, but it's the burden you are left with, and its up to you to work through it. It's hard to say when you'll be able to think about your brother and not immediately miss him. That may never stop entirely, but it happens less and less. Over time you learn to abbreviate the sadness, to acknowledge the loss without being consumed by it, and carry on. You just have to go through the painful grieving to get there. And don't forget that you mean this much to other people too. You have a life with them to keep living out. Plus, there are other people who you don't want to fail to appreciate who are in your life right now. It can help to be grateful for the things you have, but the loss has to be respected and endured. The grieving will take the time it needs to take.
My contributions to the Racketboy site:
Browser Games ... Free PC Games ... Mixtapes ... Doujin Games ... SotC Poetry
Browser Games ... Free PC Games ... Mixtapes ... Doujin Games ... SotC Poetry
Re: Looking for advice on dealing with brothers loss
JT thank you for that I was chocking up reading that
Re: Looking for advice on dealing with brothers loss
You're welcome mas. I'm sorry to hear about your brother, I really am. Don't forget to take care of yourself. At times like this, it's easy to lose sleep, forget to eat, or not get any exercise, but the more tired and hungry and cramped up you are, the harder it is to deal with everything. Take care of the basics even though you miss your hermano.
My contributions to the Racketboy site:
Browser Games ... Free PC Games ... Mixtapes ... Doujin Games ... SotC Poetry
Browser Games ... Free PC Games ... Mixtapes ... Doujin Games ... SotC Poetry
Re: Looking for advice on dealing with brothers loss
dsheinem,
I didn't read your post until just now and I want to say thank you also. Right now I'm going to try to workout and start to eat better. Then I'm calling on Monday to set an opointment for a therapist.
As for the games goes I'll just continue to work on the game gear. Clean up my games and see what I play and don't play and continue to slim down as far as the ps2 goes I'm going to wait 6 months or so till I decide. Maybe I'll do that with my games all together.
I didn't read your post until just now and I want to say thank you also. Right now I'm going to try to workout and start to eat better. Then I'm calling on Monday to set an opointment for a therapist.
As for the games goes I'll just continue to work on the game gear. Clean up my games and see what I play and don't play and continue to slim down as far as the ps2 goes I'm going to wait 6 months or so till I decide. Maybe I'll do that with my games all together.
Re: Looking for advice on dealing with brothers loss
I haven't personally lost anyone close to me yet. However, my wife has lost almost everyone. As a close inside observer and "support system" I have come to realize a few things.
First, close loved ones will always be a part of you, accepting of their departure and moving forward will become second nature eventually, but, there will always be a part of you that is with them. Things like birthdays, the anniversary of their passing, or any other special event you shared will be constant reminders of how special they were to you. We have come to understand that there will be no "getting over it". It's been 21 years since my wife lost her Mom, she still has days where she is emotional all day from it. After all, they will always be a part of who you are.
Through further losses and a lot of growing she has learned some wonderful coping mechanisms. Avoidance of the grief is not helpful at all, instead we will take out old photo albums on these especially hard days and talk about her lost loved ones. A few hours spent like this, just bringing their memory back in a more positive way is very helpful for her and in most cases can put to rest the pain. There are so many happy memories in whatever short time you might get to spend with people you love, that often during reflection you can find overlooked joyful moments and celebrate the time you had together even more.
We prepare for known hard times in advance, days like birthdays, and rather than muscle through or just grieve some more, we celebrate their life the same as we would when they were here. Of course it isn't the same but it is an opportunity to bring together everyone who loved them and eventually this becomes a positive way to spend a day you might otherwise dread. Surrounded by loved ones who share in your feelings and have even more stories to add, in some ways keeps their memory alive in a way that just moving on doesn't.
Lastly, always keep in mind what your brother would have wanted for you. Obviously he would want you to be strong, and happy, he would want you to take care of yourself. Honor his memory and show your love for him by not wasting the life you have left, I don't mean that in a harsh way at all. I mean take advantage of every opportunity to be happy and know that because he loved you, this is all he would have wanted.
I don't know about your faith and I won't speculate. I'll simply say that it sounds cliché, but I've found it to be very true that lost loved ones can very much live on through the memories and love that you shared together. You can never lose that, and you can build on those by sharing with others who were close. Stay strong, I don't know your pain directly, but my wife knows it so very well, and after some time she has a big smile on her face most days. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm very sorry for your loss.
First, close loved ones will always be a part of you, accepting of their departure and moving forward will become second nature eventually, but, there will always be a part of you that is with them. Things like birthdays, the anniversary of their passing, or any other special event you shared will be constant reminders of how special they were to you. We have come to understand that there will be no "getting over it". It's been 21 years since my wife lost her Mom, she still has days where she is emotional all day from it. After all, they will always be a part of who you are.
Through further losses and a lot of growing she has learned some wonderful coping mechanisms. Avoidance of the grief is not helpful at all, instead we will take out old photo albums on these especially hard days and talk about her lost loved ones. A few hours spent like this, just bringing their memory back in a more positive way is very helpful for her and in most cases can put to rest the pain. There are so many happy memories in whatever short time you might get to spend with people you love, that often during reflection you can find overlooked joyful moments and celebrate the time you had together even more.
We prepare for known hard times in advance, days like birthdays, and rather than muscle through or just grieve some more, we celebrate their life the same as we would when they were here. Of course it isn't the same but it is an opportunity to bring together everyone who loved them and eventually this becomes a positive way to spend a day you might otherwise dread. Surrounded by loved ones who share in your feelings and have even more stories to add, in some ways keeps their memory alive in a way that just moving on doesn't.
Lastly, always keep in mind what your brother would have wanted for you. Obviously he would want you to be strong, and happy, he would want you to take care of yourself. Honor his memory and show your love for him by not wasting the life you have left, I don't mean that in a harsh way at all. I mean take advantage of every opportunity to be happy and know that because he loved you, this is all he would have wanted.
I don't know about your faith and I won't speculate. I'll simply say that it sounds cliché, but I've found it to be very true that lost loved ones can very much live on through the memories and love that you shared together. You can never lose that, and you can build on those by sharing with others who were close. Stay strong, I don't know your pain directly, but my wife knows it so very well, and after some time she has a big smile on her face most days. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm very sorry for your loss.
Re: Looking for advice on dealing with brothers loss
I have never lost anyone close to me. Honestly, the closes my personal experiences come are probably bad breakups. Everyone's had great things to say, and I hope they are helping you. I'm not too worried about you, because you seem to have good support and appear to be taking the right steps. And you're being honest with us and yourself. I trust you to let us know when we should really start to worry about you. But I do want you to know that as much as we tease you about your unpredictable collecting behavior, you really are part of THIS community, right here. We'll keep you in our thoughts.
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ElkinFencer10
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Re: Looking for advice on dealing with brothers loss
Like others, I've been fortunate not to lose anyone as close to me as a sibling. The worst loss I've had (which, admittedly, tore me up for a week) was my best friend's grandmother a year and a half ago (she was basically a second grandmother to me). All I can tell you - and this comes just from the few psychology classes I took to help support grieving students, so take it with a grain of salt - is that, as JT said, grieving is a process, and there's no easy "off" switch to it. I, personally, would say to let yourself grieve, at least for a while. Let yourself junk food or ice cream or candy if it's helping you cope, and spend more times on the things you love, especially if it's something that you and brother shared. Remind yourself that your brother loved you and wants you to be happy and remember the good things rather than dwelling on the pain (even though it's unavoidable to a large extent). Visit his grave when you can and just sit and tell him about your day and about your pain and about anything else in your life. Not to get spiritual or anything, but I firmly believe that when we lose people, all we lose is the body; your brother is still with you, and I think the most important step in accepting his death is to accept not just consciously but deep down that he's still with you in a way that you just can't see or hear. Whenever I'm visiting family in Elkin, I make a point to go to Grammy's grave and just sit and talk to her.
I know that everyone's different, and that might not help bring you calm and peace the way it did for me, and I don't have any expertise in psychology or grief management, but the one thing that I do know for a fact is that the people here on this forum love you and are here for you and want to help you in any way that we can. We're only ever just a post or PM away.
I know that everyone's different, and that might not help bring you calm and peace the way it did for me, and I don't have any expertise in psychology or grief management, but the one thing that I do know for a fact is that the people here on this forum love you and are here for you and want to help you in any way that we can. We're only ever just a post or PM away.
Patron Saint of Bitch Mode
Re: Looking for advice on dealing with brothers loss
I want to thank everyone for their input on this. I am a catholic who does believe in the after life but right now I'm greedy and wish the lord didn't take him away from us.
Starting tomorrow morning I'm hitting my gym and cardio and start back on the training and meditate and heal myself. Then I'll see a therapist.
Starting tomorrow morning I'm hitting my gym and cardio and start back on the training and meditate and heal myself. Then I'll see a therapist.