(Short Piece) A Happy Fruit

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Original_Name
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(Short Piece) A Happy Fruit

Post by Original_Name »

Hey guys, I'd like some feedback on this short piece that I wrote! Everyone I've read it to has been extremely receptive, but maybe you strangers and vague acquaintances will be a little more harsh on me. :mrgreen:

A happy fruit plucked from the branches. Jolly and round, its smooth surface reflects a resplendent red glow. Its refreshing juices stream through the thin canals of the thick pulp within. Divided into a thousand sloshy bits, it slides down your dry throat, soothing your parched tongue; its sweet residue sticks to your lips. The happy fruit nestles in the pit of your stomach, making whole your incomplete. Your body warms in rapturous gratitude and affection. Reach for another, indulgent devourer of pulpy confection! The second is as jolly, round, juicy, glowing, sloshy, soothing, and sweet as the first! Have another - and yet another still! Feast upon them! Pluck a bushel of them to take home to your kin! Or have the bushel for yourself! Feel your skin and clothes tighten around the blubbery fat accumulating above your humble structure; you feel warmer and warmer still as your outer layers pull taut against you. The more you consume, the more you are gratified with sensations of warmth and fullness, and so you eat still. And you eat still. And you eat still. And you eat still. And you eat still. And you eat still. And as what were muscles and tendons deteriorate, you eat still. And as you roll about unable to tell hind from front, you eat still. And as the happy fruits deplete, you eat still. And as the bark and branch tear at the lining of your throat, you eat still. And as your worrying heart struggles to lessen its pace, emitting a scalding heat across the paunchy expanse of your chest, you eat still. And as the frightened children flee your ferocious grasp, you eat still. And as the cowering township slips sustenance under their bolted doorways onto the verandas, you eat still. And as the contents of every home swim within your gargantuan belly, you eat still. And you eat still. And you eat still. And you eat still. And you eat still. And you eat still. And you eat still. And you eat still. And you eat still. And you eat still. And you eat still. And when I asked you if you were satisfied, the foul stenches of death and waste and digestional emissions filled the air - but of all the putrid odors which poured out of your stinking mouth, the most nauseating of all was that of pride when your gurgling voice triumphantly declared, "Never".
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Luke
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Re: (Short Piece) A Happy Fruit

Post by Luke »

Sorry, but it's no Operation B.E.A.W.
Limewater
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Re: (Short Piece) A Happy Fruit

Post by Limewater »

Luke wrote:Sorry, but it's no Operation B.E.A.W.


I kept trying to figure out what B.E.A.W. stands for, but I think it's really onomatopoeia and meant to be read as a single word. It's the sound you make when you make a finger-gun and pretend to shoot lasers out of it.

Beaw! Beaw! Beaw!
Systems: TI-99/4a, Commodore Vic-20, Atari 2600, NES, SMS, GB, Neo Geo MVS (Big Red 4-slot), Genesis, SNES, 3DO, PS1, N64, DC, PS2, GBA, GCN, NDSi, Wii
TheSecondChanceGamer
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Re: (Short Piece) A Happy Fruit

Post by TheSecondChanceGamer »

I'll ask deathbed8844 when he gets done with his HW what B.E.A.W means.(he's my next door neighbor)
Check out my youtube channel http://www.youtube.com/user/THESTUDIO61 new episodes every week!
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Re: (Short Piece) A Happy Fruit

Post by Limewater »

TheSecondChanceGamer wrote:I'll ask deathbed8844 when he gets done with his HW what B.E.A.W means.(he's my next door neighbor)



While you're at it, ask him to write chapter 3, and to get back to his first story.

Also, tell him that he should do more video game reviews. I like his avant garde directorial style. Cursors should remain in frame.
Systems: TI-99/4a, Commodore Vic-20, Atari 2600, NES, SMS, GB, Neo Geo MVS (Big Red 4-slot), Genesis, SNES, 3DO, PS1, N64, DC, PS2, GBA, GCN, NDSi, Wii
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Luke
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Re: (Short Piece) A Happy Fruit

Post by Luke »

I LOVE Justin Beiber. Or maybe it's Justin Bieber.

Either way, I love him.
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Beak
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Re: (Short Piece) A Happy Fruit

Post by Beak »

Seems like it could be an allegory for the plucking of the apple in the Garden of Eden.

If I'm going to give some criticism, I would say one thing: format it differently.

I think the piece flows well, but its format works against it. What you write about at the start seems happy and airy, but is chained to the giant mass that is the whole piece's body. I would start it by breaking up lines like a poem. Each sentence gets its own line and floats along. Then, as things get heavier (in mood and in content), begin to bunch lines together. I think this would lend itself to the feeling of the prose.

You could begin bunching the lines when you say "and you eat still." Then bunch the others as you see fit. Anchor sentences to a larger paragraph only when its mood calls for it, and leave sentences on their own when they are blithe.

Anyway, my two cents. I liked it!
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