Single Fathers

[Blu]

Wow, Dave. I have no idea what you're going through but it's affirming to know you have a good network around you and there's no shortage of helpful wisdom that's been offered to you through this thread. I hope that the process becomes less taxing in the days to come, and that you find some or have been finding some solace.

[Luke]

The only reason I said that....

That was simply referential lampooning. No need to defend yourself.


Hate to bring up the negative, but my friend that I spoke with brought up a situation and take it for what it is. This may never happen to you, but the same circumstances may apply.

This guy's son wanted to drop out of earning the privilege of being an Eagle scout to go on a trip to Europe with his buddies. "But Mom says..." played a lot into it. The kid is seventeen and ended up going to Europe, dropped out of scouts, and also threw a hissy fit at his graduation because his Mom didn't show up.

I've met the kid, and he's a dick with a sense of supreme entitlement. Pure speculation, but it seemed that he was sued to his parents trying to earn love through money. But the kid certainly did get his way. No discipline. And hey, some might find me to be an arrogant asshole, but most people don't understand what it took me to get to where I am (yet there I am). And I might be strange as I always wanted to hang out with my Pops, even when I was a teenager, but this kid seemed as if he wanted anything else than to hang out with his Dad.

So this is more of a question than a solution. That question is:

How do you discipline (or as I like to say "correct") your child after a divorce?

The circumstances have changed, but do you treat discipline as you would before the divorce? How do you treat the "Go ask your Dad" situations?

When I was a kid I always played the "Well Dad said it was okay" (even if he didn't) card. Wondering how that plays out.

[jp1]

JP1 isn't out of his element.

The only reason I said that, was because I was under the impression jp1 is not a single father, and that he seems to believe any marriage is salvageable. If I was wrong about either of those aspects, it was because the nature of jp1's posts lead me to believe as such due to their wording. That does not mean jp1 can't offer experienced advice on raising a kid in general however. Nor does it mean I think jp1 is a naive imbecile, or whatever he assumed I was being pompous about.

Anyway Dsh, I think at this point if you asked some questions about things you're interested in specifically, it'd go a long way in stimulating continued fruitful discussion in this thread.

It depends on your definition of "single father". I have a daughter with a woman who is not my wife, seventeen years now. So, I face many of the same issues a single father would albeit with the additional support of my current wife (with whom I share two children).

Nor have I ever insinuated or even come close to hinting at the notion that "every marriage can work" I think you should check back if that was the impression you got.

The problem is that nobody wants to even entertain the notion that a relationship can move on and be healthy and productive after a split. It's important for Dave to ultimately use his own judgment about these things.

It is pompous in my opinion to assume that because your situation got ugly and required legal interventions that this will apply to all similar situations. Essentially the same thing you were accusing me of, from your point of view. It's certainly not a nice way to put it, but what exactly is the point of disregarding my opinions to begin with? Would it be pompous of me to assume you are "out of your element" because you could not make things work? I don't know your situation, so I made no assumptions about it.

That's all I'll say on the matter (which is closed as far as I'm concerned). No hard feelings, I hope you can move on feeling the same.

Now back to talking about the kiddies and daddies.

Luke's buddy had a great point about staying positive. It cant be stressed enough that no matter the circumstances or what road you choose, your child will look to you and share in your strength, and unfortunately your stress as well. It is vital to stay healthy and strong mentally to be a good father.

[Exhuminator]

No hard feelings here either, jp1. Sometimes I just word things too bluntly.

It is pompous in my opinion to assume that because your situation got ugly and required legal interventions that this will apply to all similar situations.

The thing with that is... inversely I could say it's pompous for you to think because your situation did not get ugly, and did not require legal interventions, that your own good luck would apply in all similar situations.

But hey, "pompous" is an inflammatory word, so let's just leave it behind us.

What I was saying (and others agreed) is that this sort of thing is too important to leave up to chance and good will. It's best to have your legal bases covered as a precaution, rather than defensively. It it reaches the point of needing to be done as reactionary means, it's going to be more difficult than if it had been done preliminarily.

But that's just my opinion! Dsh shall do what he thinks is best. Good luck to him.

[jp1]

No hard feelings here either, jp1. Sometimes I just word things too bluntly.

It is pompous in my opinion to assume that because your situation got ugly and required legal interventions that this will apply to all similar situations.

The thing with that is... inversely I could say it's pompous for you to think because your situation did not get ugly, and did not require legal interventions, that your own good luck would apply in all similar situations.

You could, and you would be right. I think the misunderstanding comes in with our differences in wording. For instance I don't feel I made such a claim. Yet my position was consistently challenged or outright attacked. I was only trying to present the hope that it is possible for things to go down that positive road. Which I quickly retracted when abuse came in to the equation. It's fair game if I mistook your intentions as well, and yes pompous is inflammatory. So, sure, I readily admit I escalated out of frustration.

It's all good. Chalk it up to a misunderstanding.

For the record I am sympathetic to the plight of those who find themselves in a situation where divorce is a necessity or even a preference. By no means do I make judgments on that matter. I would never presume to know the intimate details of someone else's relationship.

Anyway, enough tangential conversation, if we need to continue let's take it to pm, please.