Single Fathers

[dsheinem]

In my situation I am trying to manage custody, etc. with legal mediation (via something like this) instead of strict litigation. That is all dependent on her willingness to go to said mediation and to accept the reality of the situation and my seriousness of taking action. I am not sure she can or will do those things. If not, I will just straight up lawyer up.

To lay some more cards on the table, I've had to admit recently that I've been the victim of an emotionally abusive partner. I've told her as much, but she's denied it and refused counseling. Ultimately, whether the abuse was intentional or not, it had gotten to a point where my own mental and emotional health was severely suffering. I am concerned about her doing the same things to my son as she's done to me. I am concerned she can't ever manage her own mental health well enough to be well. I do know that I can't stay in a relationship where these threats might persist (and there have been serious threats by her over the years, including those that led to her recently being admitted for psych evaluation).

All of that is to say that I am trying to work through things amicably and smartly, and have received assurances by trusted friends and family that I am doing things right thus far. It also means I need to be ready to switch gears and come at her with the full brunt of legal counsel at a moment's notice and for reasons of safety if that amicable environment is threatened or taken advantage of. In any case, it's a clusterfuck.

[jp1]

Very sorry to hear about that. Abuse should never be taken lightly, and if there is fear your son is being victimized as well, I would certainly be looking at legal action in your shoes.



I can only wish you the best. I hope you would consider some counseling for yourself, your son, and your (ex)wife if she were willing. Even after the divorce family counseling could help resolve those very serious concerns.



You and your son being safe from the abuse is of course paramount. That situation just sucks Dave, I'm so sorry.

[SpaceBooger]

I got your back Dave... even though you are moving forward.

Forward into uncharted territory. There will be adversity, but keep moving forward. Let you gut lead you to do what is right and to a happier place.

This journey will not be easy, nor will you be alone. Your son is vested; let him walk beside you don't keep him in back to shield him... because that is where I am.

I have your back. You and your son are going forward, together.

[Exhuminator]

Its also important not to underestimate people's willingness to use their children as weapons against each other.

CFFJR gets it.

My daughter's mother in the beginning was super nice to me after we split up, no problems. That was until I started dating other people. Despite the fact her mother was also dating other people, for some reason it was a problem when I started doing the same. After that, she started using having proper visitation with my daughter against me. I could tell you some horror stories but I'd rather not relive that shit mentally. Everything I went through could have been avoided if I had simply gone the official legal route at the very start. I was naive and thought it didn't need to be done. Dsh don't make the same mistake I made, for your sake, and your son's.

No offense jp1, but you are out of your element on this matter.

[jp1]

No offense jp1, but you are out of your element on this matter.

Exactly how? My seventeen years of experience is less relevant because it doesn't match your experience? I'm not sitting around pointing fingers and accusing you fellas with a different opinion of being naive or stupid, insinuating that you have a misogynistic outlook, or that you did not have proper conflict resolution skills. See how that makes me sound like an ass? I guess the only experience that matters is the one you have been through.

My healthy relationship in which we have worked through our differences like adults couldn't possibly add any value or insight to the conversation I guess.

No offense, but you can be pretty pompous dude. Maybe it wasn't all your ex's fault?

But, enough about us...let's talk about Dave's situation now.

[Exhuminator]

My seventeen years of experience is less relevant because it doesn't match your experience?

I was a single dad for seventeen years. You were not. So yeah, considering the subject of the thread's topic, I think my experience is more relevant than yours. I'm not knocking your knowledge as a father. Just as a "single dad".

[Xeogred]

Sorry to hear Dave.

From another perspective, I do think this is probably best for your kid when they're younger. Triggers can start at any age, but I would think the younger they are, the more obtuse the whole situation will be to them. Whereas in my case, my parents never officially divorced, but separated and I did the two houses thing, in high school. I was older, you understand more, and it feels like this can potentially make a deeper scar. Of course, maybe this is just purely personal and my own experience.

[dsheinem]

But, enough about us...let's talk about Dave's situation now.

Actually I am mostly interested in this thread being a catch all for advice, whether it applies to my specific experience or not. Hopefully, other single dads on the forums now or in the future would find something useful here.

[prfsnl_gmr]

DSH...I do not have any experience that I can bring to bear on your situation, and I can only imagine what you are and have been going through. I am not sure that I can offer you any useful advice. I am always happy to listen, however, and I will be keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

[marurun]

I have not been through anything like this, but given the stakes for your child, get a lawyer, at least for consultation purposes. Divorces have legal principles at their root (dissolution of a legal status) and thus require appropriate legal advice. The law was never designed to be lay person interpretable, sadly.

Jp1, exh, this thread is about Dave's situation. Please respect that.