Random Thoughts Thread

[dsheinem]

Thanks, guys...and for the PMs and texts, too. We are not separated or divorced at this point but I've had an unexpected opportunity come along that has given me a much needed push to examine some things in our relationship the past few weeks...and I've come to some conclusions that are looking like they may be pointing towards some kind of break. We met in 1999 when I was 19 and she was 18 and we've been married for 13 years...though I don't really know that the last few years have been especially "happily" so. In any case, there's a lot of history there.

I had to have a tough talk (not arguing, just brute honesty) about all of this earlier this morning with my wife, and I have decided to start sleeping in the game room for the time being (see, games DO enter into it ). I don't even know really why I am telling all of you any of this, but I think there's some strange comfort in talking to people who don't know both of us. Her parents and mine are both still together in their first and only marriage, and there's little for me to look at or go on when it comes to seeing how people I am close to have ever had to deal with some of the stuff I'm going through. I suppose I am fortunate to be surrounded by mostly "healthy" relationships, but on the other hand it makes all of this a good deal tougher to contextualize.

[CFFJR]

Dsh, I had an unpleasant situation before my divorce in 2013.

I've been sitting here thinking about this and I've found that its surprisingly difficult to offer general advice on this, especially without knowing the circumstances which are likely completely different from my own. As nasty as my relationship had become, my ex-wife and I had a very clean divorce, mostly because we didn't want anything else to do with each other at the end. We were motivated, I guess. We also didn't have a kid, but that was a close thing too.

I'm very sorry to hear that this is happening, and I honestly wish you all the best and I hope things work out ok, whether you stay together or not.

If you do want to talk, I am available. I know I'm a dipshit, but I try. Just let me know.

[TSTR]

pullin for ya big homey dsh

[jp1]

Thanks, guys...and for the PMs and texts, too. We are not separated or divorced at this point but I've had an unexpected opportunity come along that has given me a much needed push to examine some things in our relationship the past few weeks...and I've come to some conclusions that are looking like they may be pointing towards some kind of break. We met in 1999 when I was 19 and she was 18 and we've been married for 13 years...though I don't really know that the last few years have been especially "happily" so. In any case, there's a lot of history there.

I had to have a tough talk (not arguing, just brute honesty) about all of this earlier this morning with my wife, and I have decided to start sleeping in the game room for the time being (see, games DO enter into it ). I don't even know really why I am telling all of you any of this, but I think there's some strange comfort in talking to people who don't know both of us. Her parents and mine are both still together in their first and only marriage, and there's little for me to look at or go on when it comes to seeing how people I am close to have ever had to deal with some of the stuff I'm going through. I suppose I am fortunate to be surrounded by mostly "healthy" relationships, but on the other hand it makes all of this a good deal tougher to contextualize.

Well, with that little bit of info, I'll offer this...

If you both aren't happy, and can't get happy, perhaps it is best to separate. I say this as someone who takes marriage vows very seriously. Even though a child is involved, he is young and they are more resilient to these type of situations at a younger age in my opinion. Better to rip the band-aid off than let him grow up in an unhappy home.

You only live once. Sinking another 13 years into something you aren't truly invested in could be a huge regret.

Of course there are about a million caveats on that, and only you know what you feel, and the circumstances that have led you to this point. This opportunity of yours, it is marriage ending material? Or have you just come to this conclusion because of the thought of being away (possibly)?

[marurun]

A friend's father once told me something, and he was speaking very much about his son's (my friend's) marriage. A divorce is often better than an unhappy marriage.

And it's a lot easier to pull off a divorce cleanly if you do it before things get bad.

[stickem]

get you a good lawyer, now. mine was nasty. i married to young and instead of breaking it off first, found another woman. me and that woman are still married 15 years later with 2 kids but i didn't end it the right way and paid for it big time. credit cards applied for in my name and maxed out after i left, constantly calling my job resulting in me getting fired, lawyer fees up the ass, and constant fighting. it was a fucking nightmare. ruined my credit for years cause we had a new car she got in the divorce but felt she didn't have to make payments for. courts didn't give a fuck, my problem. i had a 4 year old son with her. she moved across the country without warning and there wasn't nothing i could do about it. i didn't have deep enough pockets to go after her. sent child support to the only addey i had, but was returned. got taken to court for unpaid child support and got locked up. i'm just now having a relationship with my son at the age of 18. it sounds like yours might be more civil, but i wouldn't trust her, get a good lawyer and your ducks in a row before you get fucked bro. i had a lawyer, hers was alot better lol.

[Exhuminator]

i wouldn't trust her, get a good lawyer and your ducks in a row before you get fucked bro

Sage advice.

[dsheinem]

i wouldn't trust her, get a good lawyer and your ducks in a row before you get fucked bro

Sage advice.

Ugh. It is tough to think about this kind of thing this "early" after acknowledging a rift but I appreciate the advice. I better call Saul, I suppose. In general, will a lawyer "take you on" as a case even if you don't know if you are heading that direction for certain? When would they start charging you? Would they start pushing you to take action...perhaps before you are ready to do so? I know some people divorce without lawyers involved: that sounds much better.

This opportunity of yours, it is marriage ending material? Or have you just come to this conclusion because of the thought of being away (possibly)?

I suppose it is a little bit of all of that. I am not trying to be overly vague, but it is fair to say that I've had a few people - for different reasons - confront me about my marriage and its health over the past few weeks and their insight has cut to the bone in ways that have forced me to take some much needed time to reevaluate. I suppose that it is fair to say that I now better recognize some emotional abuse that has long gone on that I've pushed down repeatedly over time. I can't do that anymore.

Thanks for the support, y'all. I don't want to turn this thread into "Dave's Diary," so I will probably try to keep posts on the topic to a minimal for the time being unless it is in reply to specific questions or comments (as above).

[Exhuminator]

In general, will a lawyer "take you on" as a case even if you don't know if you are heading that direction for certain?

Yes. And consultation is free. If it's not, find a better lawyer.

When would they start charging you?

Typically not until the lawyer has to start dealing with actual paperwork of any kind.

Would they start pushing you to take action...perhaps before you are ready to do so?

No. The only thing the lawyer will do is inform you of legal preparations/actions you should take care of if divorce seems inevitable. Having your preemptive bases covered in case a divorce happens and goes sour.

I know some people divorce without lawyers involved: that sounds much better.

Not getting a divorce and salvaging the marriage sounds even better than that. But sometimes we have to take the hard road. People have a way of drastically changing once a divorce happens. If you have a kid with this woman and you don't legally cover your ass, you will regret it Dave. I wish someone would have told me 17 years ago what I'm trying to tell you now.

[CRTGAMER]

Hope everything does work out. The best consultation I can give is go with your family and friends advice and most important you and your wife's feelings. Thirteen years marriage means a lot, sad that many say get out of the relationship without truly knowing the situation. We on the Forum only know each other thru Avatar name and the context of our posts and really cannot judge and pass any solid advice. Hang in there.