Gaming and Marriage. Has it caused issues?

[Jmustang1968]

Thanks for the pro-tip ::thumbsupgif::

Not sure what I would've done with my day without a little condescending snark...

But how about if it is the other way around. The "I thought he would grow out of it." Or the didnt realize how much they did x hobby until we lived together.

From my observations, the anti-video game stuff is usually from a spouse that isn't a gamer. Instead they want the other to join them in their hobby or something they feel is worthwhile, instead of respecting the partner's enjoyment. The partner should already know that person is really into gaming before they get into marriage.

Obviously, if a hobby is at a point to where someone neglects work or health then there is an issue. So, a heavy increase on binge gaming or other hobby is most likely a sign of escapism from some other sort of underlying issue.

[Exhuminator]

I replaced drinking beer and building crappy projects. At my wife's request I replaced beer with Pelligrino and building crappy projects with building cool projects.

You could also have continued to drink beer, albeit in constrained quantities that were not harmful to your relationship or health. You could have continued to build crappy projects, although in quantities that were not excessive.

I'm not saying that a wife cannot offer good and proper advice. They should absolutely be able to do that for their husband (and vice versa). I used to have a problem with spending too much money on video games to the point of affecting my relationship with my fiance. But my fiance did not say "stop buying games or our relationship is over". She said to spend less money on them so we could afford bigger things we wanted. And then she offered the idea of a gaming budget. The budget was set as a compromise between us. I've been using that budget for two years now. I still get to buy games, but our savings definitely have gone up significantly because I took her advice and implemented the budget. In that case, I changed my obsessive behavior into rational behavior, because she offered a compromise instead of an ultimatum. That is the optimal solution.

If a wife is capable of understanding her husband's desire for gaming, and sees that it's a hobby he truly loves, but it's interfering with their relationship in a legitimate way, she should work out a compromise with him. They should work out a gaming-play-time-budget basically. But she should not put her foot down and say, "The games go or I go!" Because that's not a partnership built on compromise, that's a dictatorship built on demands. And in my opinion the latter is not a healthy foundation for a marriage.

If I am an alcoholic, I need to quit drinking to fix the problem. I cannot simply drink less.

I'm not sure if I would equate video gaming as being analog to alcohol consumption. The physiological and neurological changes mass quantities of alcohol induce upon the consumer are easily identifiable as being a detriment to the addict. I've never heard of a husband beating his wife up because he had a bit too much Nintendo that night.

Obviously, if a hobby is at a point to where someone neglects work or health then there is an issue. So, a heavy increase on binge gaming or other hobby is most likely a sign of escapism from some other sort of underlying issue.

This guy gets it.

[jp1]

Thanks for the pro-tip ::thumbsupgif::

Not sure what I would've done with my day without a little condescending snark...

But how about if it is the other way around. The "I thought he would grow out of it." Or the didnt realize how much they did x hobby until we lived together.

From my observations, the anti-video game stuff is usually from a spouse that isn't a gamer. Instead they want the other to join them in their hobby or something they feel is worthwhile, instead of respecting the partner's enjoyment. The partner should already know that person is really into gaming before they get into marriage.

Obviously, if a hobby is at a point to where someone neglects work or health then there is an issue. So, a heavy increase on binge gaming or other hobby is most likely a sign of escapism from some other sort of underlying issue.

Not an entirely unwarranted assumption either, assuming you haven't made it clear that things will never change. I expect my wife to grow as a person as she does me. What that means to each individual varies, so for some people video games are a childish hobby and they may assume you would "grow out of it". I'm not speculating on the merit of that notion. Obviously if you take care of your family, home, and self, then having a little fun with a game is not childish. I'm simply saying that there is a preconceived notion for a lot of people that it is indeed a hobby you might leave behind to prioritize family, career, etc...

There are definitely instances of both partners being irrational, the gamer who doesn't want to cut back at all, and the non-gamer who expects them to quit completely simply because "it's stupid". No argument there.

@Exhuminator - I've seen stories of people letting their children starve, beating or killing a sibling, spouse, or parent, or going on violent rampages due to gaming and an obsessive culture that is behind some of it. I would argue that those instances could be equated to an addiction such as alcoholism.

[Exhuminator]

I've seen stories of people letting their children starve, beating or killing a sibling, spouse, or parent, or going on violent rampages due to gaming and an obsessive culture that is behind some of it. I would argue that those instances could be equated to an addiction such as alcoholism.

But it's not due to gaming.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Addictive_personality

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avoidance_coping

[Luke]

I've never heard of a husband beating his wife up because he had a bit too much Nintendo that night.

"Too much Nintendo" is subjective.

You guys sure are talking, but not saying much.

Hey, some alcoholics can actually drink two beers in a while and not go nuts. Some can't. Some wifies complain about silly stuff that doesn't matter. Others don't. No idea why this thread is so snarky when it all boils down to "You're not in my relationship".

It's all about perspective. If one thinks playing video games is a waste of time, it doesn't matter if you play games for five minutes of five hours...The person will see it as a waste of time. If it has been vocalized, deal with it. Don't complain about it. The truth of the fact is that your spouse doesn't really care if you do it, it's about doing it in front of them. It's walking the tight rope of being respectful, and we all should be able to suck it up enough to walk it. We should also recognize that we're all hypocrites and just get over it.

Remember the commercials of the wife that spent only ten minutes making dinner, but covered herself with flour to make it look like she slaved over the stove all day? There ya go. The husband perceives that she spent all day cooking, and if he found out all she did was open a bag he wouldn't care. It looks like she hasn't wasted a second of her day and that is what matters.

Life is a theater guys. Act on it.

[jp1]

I've seen stories of people letting their children starve, beating or killing a sibling, spouse, or parent, or going on violent rampages due to gaming and an obsessive culture that is behind some of it. I would argue that those instances could be equated to an addiction such as alcoholism.

But it's not due to gaming.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Addictive_personality

What difference does it make if gaming is the catalyst? If a woman lets her child starve to death because she is playing some WOW or whatever, that is certainly going to be something that may have been avoided if she had recognized she had a problem with the gaming (like an addict does with any substance) and quit cold turkey. Whether or not it is video games or making homemade sausage is just semantics. You find the problem and eliminate it, again making the assumption that you* aren't the type who can control it.

*Not you specifically, just generalizing a bit.

[mjmjr25]

Thanks for the pro-tip ::thumbsupgif::

Not sure what I would've done with my day without a little condescending snark...

But how about if it is the other way around. The "I thought he would grow out of it." Or the didnt realize how much they did x hobby until we lived together.

From my observations, the anti-video game stuff is usually from a spouse that isn't a gamer. Instead they want the other to join them in their hobby or something they feel is worthwhile, instead of respecting the partner's enjoyment. The partner should already know that person is really into gaming before they get into marriage.

Obviously, if a hobby is at a point to where someone neglects work or health then there is an issue. So, a heavy increase on binge gaming or other hobby is most likely a sign of escapism from some other sort of underlying issue.

Protip 2: If you don't want a little snark...

don't say obvious things like "...is subjective"

You just got...

a double dose of snark

To your points:
I thought he would grow out of it: THAT is an issue and a poor assumption by that person. That relationship could absolutely be in trouble and the problem isn't games; it's the assumptiveness of the other person.

Also, in a secular sense, people shouldn't enter into marriage either with assumptions, or before living together...and if they do, those things should be discussed, in detail, long before making the life-long commitment.

From my observations, the anti-video game stuff is usually from a spouse that isn't a gamer. Instead they want the other to join them in their hobby or something they feel is worthwhile, instead of respecting the partner's enjoyment. The partner should already know that person is really into gaming before they get into marriage.

- I'm curious how large your observation sample size is? This is not what i've seen. I have many gamer friends both irl and on the boards, and other than noise's wife whom is a moderate gamer, I don't know of a single one where the wife is a gamer...or where it's an issue. I would agree - if i'm dating a guy and his decorations are Zelda and Metroid posters, and his license plate says JRPGFAN; I should probably understand gaming is a pretty big piece of this fellas life and I shouldn't assume that is going to change when I marry him.

[Luke]

if i'm dating a guy and his decorations are Zelda and Metroid posters, and his license plate says JRPGFAN; I should probably understand gaming is a pretty big piece of this fellas life and I shouldn't assume that is going to change when I marry him.

Keep going.

[Exhuminator]

Whether or not it is video games or making homemade sausage is just semantics. You find the problem and eliminate it, again making the assumption that you* aren't the type who can control it.

I agree with you if you are saying that the problem is a personality disorder. And I agree that if you can't control it yourself, you should seek outside aid. If that is what you're saying, we are on the same page.

[jp1]

I've never heard of a husband beating his wife up because he had a bit too much Nintendo that night.

"Too much Nintendo" is subjective.

You guys sure are talking, but not saying much.

Hey, some alcoholics can actually drink two beers in a while and not go nuts. Some can't. Some wifies complain about silly stuff that doesn't matter. Others don't. No idea why this thread is so snarky when it all boils down to "You're not in my relationship".

It's all about perspective. If one thinks playing video games is a waste of time, it doesn't matter if you play games for five minutes of five hours...The person will see it as a waste of time. If it has been vocalized, deal with it. Don't complain about it. The truth of the fact is that your spouse doesn't really care if you do it, it's about doing it in front of them. It's walking the tight rope of being respectful, and we all should be able to suck it up enough to walk it. We should also recognize that we're all hypocrites and just get over it.

Remember the commercials of the wife that spent only ten minutes making dinner, but covered herself with flour to make it look like she slaved over the stove all day? There ya go. The husband perceives that she spent all day cooking, and if he found out all she did was open a bag he wouldn't care. It looks like she hasn't wasted a second of her day and that is what matters.

Life is a theater guys. Act on it.

I agree with almost all of this. I don't think there was a lot of snark going around though.

The whole thing is getting cyclical at this point, I make no bones about that. Since we all have different relationships and different views of what should be prioritized we aren't likely to come to something resembling an agreement either.

The whole thing just stinks of the "W.A.F" or "Wife acceptance factor" term that some dudes like to fling around when they don't get their way. The negative connotations of that term bother me. It is entirely possible that I just won the lottery and every other wife on the planet sucks, except it isn't. All I am trying to add to this conversation in the most redundant and verbose manner possible is this...

Take a hard look in the mirror before you point fingers at your S.O.

I agree with you if you are saying that the problem is a personality disorder. And I agree that if you can't control it yourself, you should seek outside aid. If that is what you're saying, we are on the same page.

I am saying those things. I am also saying that if you can't control your habit (be it video games, or cutlery collecting) you need to drop it. If you have some self control and the self-awareness to recognize your problem and deal with it in a more delicate way, then all the better. I think that those who are able to exercise said self control are less likely to run into these problems to begin with.