What was the last movie you've seen?

[Ack]

EDIT: The movie stars Joe Don Baker and Tim Curry! I might have to watch it again. (A Congo/Anaconda double-feature would be rad!)

And Bruce Campbell has a bit part!

[prfsnl_gmr]

EDIT: The movie stars Joe Don Baker and Tim Curry! I might have to watch it again. (A Congo/Anaconda double-feature would be rad!)

And Bruce Campbell has a bit part!

What?! How did I not recognize its genius when I saw it in theaters so many years ago?

[Ack]

I nuovi barbari, aka The New Barbarians, aka Warriors of the Wasteland

This movie is...something. And there is no way to be safe for work while describing what happens in it.

Yep, another Italian post-apocalyptic film, starring the likes of George Eastman (2019, After the Fall of New York, Anthropophagaus, Absurd, Hands of Steel), Anna Kanakis (2019, After the Fall of New York), Giovanni Frezza (The House by the Cemetery), and mother fucking Fred "The Hammer" Willamson from Black Caeser, Hell Up in Harlem, The Inglorious Bastards, and a whole hell of a lot of awesome! He was the second best part of Warrior of the Lost World(Megaweapon being the first), and he's the best part here.

In the year 2019, a nihilist death cult called the Templars hellbent on committing the genocide of humanity while wearing white jumpsuits with shoulder pads so big it makes the 1980s blush has run across Scorpion, the one man who has ever escaped them. Now, under the direction of George Eastman's character One, they want to find him and kill him...and sodomize him too. Yes, that happens. Apparently that is how you join the Templars. No, I'm not making that up. There are a lot of jump cuts during that scene, but it definitely happens.

But though Scorpion is a loner, he's got a few friends: a child mechanic, a wounded woman he saves along the way, and MOTHER FUCKING FRED WILLIAMSON WITH A BOW AND EXPLODING ARROWS! And Fred steals the show, because he uses his explosive arrows to literally blow the heads off people. This is not a good movie, and there are a couple of moments where it gets more than a little awkward and uncomfortable(like the shoulder pads, the obsession with see-through plastic, and the sodomy), but watching Fred Willamson explode dudes while being awesome is definitely the highlight. And then he gets laid. And then he explodes more dudes.

What, did you expect a serious review of this? This is a movie where the lead gets humiliated in front of a crowd of Templars while a guy named One rapes him, and then he gets revenge on him by taking a giant drill mounted on a car and sodomizing the guy right back with it, all while saving a bunch of religious folks who believe in God and have a priest. So, let me get this straight, after the apocalypse, gay atheists are evil, and Christians are good? That is what I think the message was for this film. Like I said, not a good movie. This is a movie that will cause your jaw to drop and make you ask yourself, "the fuck did I just watch?"

It's like the creepiest part of the religious right made a movie about the apocalypse and then got Fred Williamson to be awesome in it. I kind of wished it ended with a character shouting, "Thanks, Obama!" at the camera.

[Luke]

April O'Neil looks great in green.

[ExedExes]

As far as Italian futuristic wasteland films go, I'm familiar with Fuga Dal Bronx, also known as Escape 2000 from MST3K.



Fred Williamson surely did say "Don't let the smooth taste fool you" somewhere in your movie, I hope!

[Sano]

Lethal Weapon 4

[J T]

I'm beginning to wonder if Ack is trapped on a spaceship with some wise-cracking robots and is being forced to watch bad movies.

Ack, are these recent movie reviews a cry for help?

[MrPopo]

Everything Ack does is a cry for help.

[Ack]

Everything Ack does is a cry for help.

Truth. My mind is like a Linkin Park music video.

[Ack]

2020 Texas Gladiators

In 2020, nuclear devastation has caused roving bands of gunmen to rape and pillage their way across Texas, driving on motorcycles, shooting each other mercilessly, ransacking towns, and sometimes taking the law into their own hands to force people into an unforgiving prison system.

In short, it hasn't changed at all.

2020 Texas Gladiators features a group of super soldier Punisher wannabes who travel around killing people who must now take down a former ally in revenge for the death of one of their former members and the enslavement of his people. Also, it has offensive and simplistic Native American caricatures played by Italians. Basically a member of this super group is thrown out for trying to rape a nun, while another member falls in love with the nun and leaves the group to find peace. But the good member and nun end up joining a village that then gets overrun by fascists who happen to harbor the evil former member, and the guy gets killed while the former nun gets thrown into slavery. Then, during a bar fight, the super soldiers find out what has happened, and they team up with a bunch of natives to wipe out the fascists and their motorcycle-driving mercenaries.

I learned while watching this film that shields which can electronically stop bullets are no match for arrows or axes. And these aren't Fred Williamson arrows, so nobody gets their heads blown off. Also, there is a lot of rape in this movie. Hobie, seriously, what is up with your state?

George Eastman wrote the script(if you haven't noticed a pattern, I've been watching a lot of George Eastman films lately), but didn't star in it. The film was directed by Joe D'Amato, and in usual Italian exploitation style, it knocks off everything from Deer Hunter to Mad Max. What I have discovered is that, if nuclear war were ever to break out, it would really suck to live in Italy, because that's where the people that think this kind of crap will happen in a post-nuclear armageddon world all live.

This has got to be the weakest of all the films I have been watching lately. Yeah, I've seen a lot of bad films, but this one failed to ever really become entertaining or approach the so-bad-it's-good threshold and instead just remained boring.

Also, this movie has a terrible portrayal of Native Americans, but there's one Asian guy in it too, and he's pretty much portrayed the exact same way.