Hilariously bad game reviews

[CavZee]

It seems many people follow gaming in real-time, almost like it's sports or something.

Being a "gamer" is cool now!
-_-

The 'people who think old versions of games are obsolete' crowd are pretty much a symptom of EA sports/Madden games, which pretty much tells them their game is gonna be "worse" next year and to discontinue use as soon as the next one drops.

But don't get ti twisted, this is what game companies want for the most part. They don't make games hoping you will pay for it once and play it for 10 years straight. That doesn't make much sense from a profiting standpoint.

They don't want to make masterpieces, just an addiction for their fans. Making money has always been the goal but these days it's so easy to see through their scheming.

The way the masses gravitate towards hype is amazing to me as well. And that obviously doesn't just apply to games either.

I'll just stop there so I don't derail the topic.

[Erik_Twice]

I wish I could find it now, but there was a running thread over on the shmups forum that had a bunch of terrible reviews for games by people that just have no clue about the genre.

Some real gems in this thread:

http://shmups.system11.org/viewtopic.ph ... 1284309238

[BoneSnapDeez]

"the math game is probably so complex that only a Japanese person can actually play it"

wut.

[dunpeal2064]

Those shmup reviews are painful to read through.

[TSTR]

I wish I could find it now, but there was a running thread over on the shmups forum that had a bunch of terrible reviews for games by people that just have no clue about the genre.

Some real gems in this thread:

http://shmups.system11.org/viewtopic.ph ... 1284309238

Yes! So much review fail in that thread.

[Valkyrie-Favor]

Thank you so much, General Norris.

[BoringSupreez]

I wish I could find it now, but there was a running thread over on the shmups forum that had a bunch of terrible reviews for games by people that just have no clue about the genre.

Some real gems in this thread:

http://shmups.system11.org/viewtopic.ph ... 1284309238

Yes! So much review fail in that thread.

There's nothing wrong with being required to pull off some fast-paced, evasive maneuvers, but Giga Wing 2 takes it to such an utterly insane level that it's a joke. The enemy fire is so thick, so heartless and so unavoidable that it's literally impossible to make it through a single stage unscathed. I can't even begin to describe how many projectiles are fired onscreen at once, and forget about using any kind of skill to dodge them. Looking at some of the patterns of fire, I doubt it's even possible to successfully evade the amount of flak aimed in your general direction. Without trying to sound like a broken record, no amount of manual dexterity whatsoever is going to get you through this one.

As a consequence, there's almost no gameplay at all. What you'll find offered here amounts to moving your ship around the screen while holding the fire button down and launching super-bombs while you constantly die and respawn amid a pyrotechnic lightshow.

[SNESdrunk]

There's nothing wrong with being required to pull off some fast-paced, evasive maneuvers, but Giga Wing 2 takes it to such an utterly insane level that it's a joke. The enemy fire is so thick, so heartless and so unavoidable that it's literally impossible to make it through a single stage unscathed. I can't even begin to describe how many projectiles are fired onscreen at once, and forget about using any kind of skill to dodge them. Looking at some of the patterns of fire, I doubt it's even possible to successfully evade the amount of flak aimed in your general direction. Without trying to sound like a broken record, no amount of manual dexterity whatsoever is going to get you through this one.

As a consequence, there's almost no gameplay at all. What you'll find offered here amounts to moving your ship around the screen while holding the fire button down and launching super-bombs while you constantly die and respawn amid a pyrotechnic lightshow.

"Waaaahhhhh this game is too haaaard. 1/10."

[Gunstar Green]

To put an even harsher spotlight on the title, I had just finished up playing through Square's Einhander only a few nights earlier. To go from the technical emphasis and understated elegance of that side-scrolling gem to this "no skills needed, even a rutabaga could play this" excuse of a game just reinforced my feelings regarding side- and overhead shooters and left me wondering why the game was even released.

Oh, It's easy? So you one credit-cleared it then?

No?

Maybe the point isn't to quarter feed your way through like a blind idiot?

Now I'm not a big fan of bullet-hell shooters myself, but at least I can look at what the appeal is for other people and understand it.

It reminds me of the comment, "arcade games have no replay value."

[GigaPepsiMan]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nw4YfxlGD_Y&feature=share&list=FLOR4p813xz5LueagMtMPg-g&index=425

LOL, this SFZ2 review is like... So hilariously messed up. The guy says like some of the most incorrect things about SF you will ever hear, treats the movie like canon for the entire franchise and judges the game on completely inane aspects like endings.

I'd almost believe he has never played videogames before doing reviews. But yea, he has some priceless quotes.

Haha, I knew that was going to be a "Gaming in the Clinton years" review. I love his advice on how to win: putting the game on easy.

EDIT: So obviously I had to seek out more of his reviews. They are amazing in their ignorance and shortsightedness.

Some gems include "no one plays a game for multi-player" from the Goldeneye review and that Symphony of the Night is just "more of the same". The FF8 review starts with "I hope one of the lovers dies".

I came here to post them, they are amazing reviews for all the wrong reasons, it isn't satire but I still laugh my ass off at them. His Tomb Raider one about how Lara Croft should get breast cancer was classic.