Joke Thread

[Luke]

I'll add to the bar jokes.

Four blondes walk into a bar. The first asks for an "RB&V". Puzzled at first, the bartender quickly realizes she was asking for a red bull and vodka. The second blonde said she'd like a "ML", again he was puzzled for a brief moment then realized she wanted a Miller Lite. The third blonde ordered a "G&T" and he knew immediately she wanted a a gin and tonic. The fourth blonde ordered a "15". The bartender just couldn't figure this one out, and frustrated he asked the blonde what a "15" exactly was. Her response:

"Duh, a 7&7".

wocka wocka wocka.

[sevin0seven]

A man walks into the street and hails a taxi that is just passing by.
"Perfect timing," he tells the driver. "You're just like Frank."
"Who?" asks the driver.
"Frank Fielding. He's a man who did everything right, all the time. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could have played golf with the pros. He sang like an opera tenor and you should have seen him dance."
"Sounds like quite a guy," says the driver.
"That's not the half of it. He had a memory like a computer. He could remember everyone's birthday. He knew all about wine; which dishes to order and which knife and fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out."
"Wow, what a man."
"He knew how to treat a woman. His clothing was always immaculate; his shoes always polished. He was the perfect man. No one could ever live up to Frank."
"Amazing. How did you meet him?"
"Oh, I never knew Frank."
"So how do you know so much about him?"
"I married his bloody widow."

[lisalover1]

I wasn't sure if this should go here or in the Image Dump Thread, but it works either way.

[dgamemuster]

There once was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three neighbors' houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.
So one day the wife went to the pet store and said, “I need a good guard dog.”

And the clerk replied, “Sorry, we're all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he knows karate.”

The wife didn't believe him so he said to the dog, "Karate that chair.”

The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces, then he said to the dog, “Karate that table.” The dog went up to the table and broke it in half.

So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. But then she told her husband that it knew karate, and he said “Karate my ***!”

[sevin0seven]

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it’s three in the morning and it’s pouring out!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of your self!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

[Luke]

Jesus the jokes here are awful.

Let me add...

A man walking his chihuahua notices another man walking into a restaurant with his doberman, and quickly asks "I've always wanted to bring my dog into that diner, but they say they don't allow dogs". The other man responded, "She is my seeing eye dog, and they have to let her in". After the blind man entered with his doberman the man with the chihuahua walks to the hostess and asks for a table for he and his dog.

The hostess responds, "Sir, we do not allow dogs in this restaurant". The man replies "This is me seeing eye dog." The hostess retorts "You have a chihuahua as a seeing eye dog?".

The man replies, "They gave me a fucking chihuahua?"

[dgamemuster]

Marriage Humor:

Wife: "Do you want dinner?"

Husband: "Sure! What are my choices?"

Wife: "Yes and no."

------------------------------------

Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?"

Husband: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears."

Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"

Husband: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?"

------------------------------------

Girl to her boyfriend: "One kiss and I'll be yours forever."

The guy replies: "Thanks for the early warning."

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A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor."

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Son: "Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."

Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing."

Son: "But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap."

[Luke]

A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor."

This may or not be common with groups of guys, but I remember when we asked a friend about a girl he hooked up and he started with "Well, she has a great..." we would all jump in to finish the sentence with "Great personality". Most of the time all we had to hear was "Well...", as no guy starts a bragging session with the word "well". Usually it starts with "Dude...", or "You won't believe this", or possibly "I can't believe...".

[Luke]

This thread needs to be "Joke Thread" as there really aren't any original jokes here.

Oh well.

How about some new and great pick up lines (they all depend on delivery):

"I must be in heaven, because you look a lot like my dead Grandmother"

"If I said you have a beautiful body, would you let me borrow ten bucks?"

"Are you wearing space pants, because if so I'd return them as you are not floating"

"If I could recreate the alphabet, spelling would be very difficult"

"Is there a mirror in your pants, because I could see myself wearing those pants"

[sevin0seven]

This thread needs to be "Joke Thread" as there really aren't any original jokes here.

fixed.