Joke Thread

[VincentX]

A man is walking down a street when he turns to see a sign outside of a shop that reads:
Sandwiches $5
Hand Jobs $6

He walks inside and a woman walks over to him and he asks, "Excuse me miss, do you make the sandwiches or give the hand jobs?"
She replies, "Hand jobs sir."
"Well then wash your damn hands I want a sandwich!"

[flex wood]

you all hear the one about the horse that walked into a bar?

bartender asked why the long face.

to which the horse replied i just foung out i have cancer

[winds]

8 year old little Samantha comes home from school one day and her mom asks
"How was school today, dear?"
Samantha replied "it was okay, Timmy showed me his penis, it reminded me of peanuts"
Shocked, the mom replied "oh, that small?"
Samatha replied "no, salty"

[Evildeadmanwalking77]

I received the following STEAMY email:

Hey There!

First I'm going to go down on you and make you feel rreeeaaaalllll good. Then I'm slowly going to come up and fuck you reeeaallll hard!!

Love always,

Gas Prices

[Bradtemple87]

I received the following STEAMY email:

Hey There!

First I'm going to go down on you and make you feel rreeeaaaalllll good. Then I'm slowly going to come up and fuck you reeeaallll hard!!

Love always,

Gas Prices

The sick thing is its true

[dgamemuster]

A woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house. The woman walked the man through the second floor of her home and told him what colors she wanted for each room. As they walked through the first room, the woman said, "I think I would like this room in a cream color." The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!" He then closed the window and continued following the woman to the next room. The woman looked confused, but proceeded with her tour. "In this room, I was thinking of an off blue." Again, the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!" This baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything. In the next room, the woman said she would like it painted in a light rose color. And once more, the contractor opened the window and yelled, "Green side up!" Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, "Why do you keep yelling 'Green side up' out my window every time I tell you the color I would like the room?" The contractor replied, "Because I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street."

[puke_face]

An old man gets married to a beautiful younger woman. After the wedding and reception, they made off to their hotel. The old man thought it would be nice if they got separate rooms.

In the middle of the night, the young woman hears a knock at her door. It's her husband, and he has a massive grin on his face. Knowing exactly what he wanted she grabs his hand, and leads him over to the bed. They do their thing, he gives her a kiss and tells her goodnight.

About an hour later she hears another knock on the door. Again, it's her husband, and he has the same grin on his face as before. So they do it again. 30 minutes later, she hears another knock at the door.

Puzzled and exhausted, she exclaims; "Wow, you are 73 years old, and you can go more than most 20 year old guys I know! What is the deal?!" The old man answers back with "Oh, I was here already?"

[sevin0seven]

One Liners (Bumper Stickers):

Protect wild life, pickle a Traffic Warden
Retired. Enjoying spending the children's inheritance.
So many stupid people... so few comets.
Horn broken. Watch for finger.
Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
I brake for no apparent reason.
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Born free...Taxed to death.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Rehab is for quitters.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
No radio - Already stolen.
Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
i souport publik edekashun.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
Keep honking...I'm reloading.
Caution: I drive like you do.

[Stark]

I always liked this one and found a copy of it here.

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "What'll you have?"
The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.
Every week the man came in and ordered three beers.

Then one week he came in and ordered only two.
He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."

[puke_face]

i souport publik edekashun.

Reminds me of "Time Masheen" on Idiocracy, lol.