Joke Thread

[Luke]

Well, I can't tell any of my jokes here for two reasons:

1) I can't just give away my material.
2) My stand-up doesn't translate well on print. Come to think of it, most stand up comedian's stuff translates well to print unless they're really cerebral.

But I do like some of these:

"How do blind people know when to stop wiping their asshole?"

Q: Why do you never hear little girls fart?
A: Girls don't know a thing about assholes until they start dating.


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You know about the identical twins Amahl and Juan? Amahl moved far away from home, never contacting his family while Juan always called and sent mail. One Christmas Juan sent his parents a picture of his family, which at the sight of it, made the Mother break into tears.

"My Dear", the husband said, "What could ever make you so sad?"

His wife responded, "It's just Juan's family.... So beautiful, and I haven't seen Amahl since he left years ago".

The husbands sighs, turns and hugs his wife and whispers, "My love. You know as well as I do that once you've seen Juan, you've seen Amahl".



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Okay. I'll give away one one my stand up jokes.

When you have one hand, "Jazz hands" becomes simply waving at someone- Luke

[YoshiEgg25]

Okay. I'll give away one one my stand up jokes.

When you have one hand, "Jazz hands" becomes simply waving at someone- Luke

Hehehehehehe.

[Luke]

Okay. I'll give away one one my stand up jokes.

When you have one hand, "Jazz hands" becomes simply waving at someone- Luke

Hehehehehehe.

Makes a huge difference when you see me wave. Just trust me, it's pretty damned funny on stage.

[YoshiEgg25]

Okay. I'll give away one one my stand up jokes.

When you have one hand, "Jazz hands" becomes simply waving at someone- Luke

Hehehehehehe.

Makes a huge difference when you see me wave. Just trust me, it's pretty damned funny on stage.

I really wish I'd thought of that one. I don't steal jokes but holy crap I wanna use it so bad.

[Luke]

I really wish I'd thought of that one. I don't steal jokes but holy crap I wanna use it so bad.

Do you also do stand up?

I thought I was the only one on this board who did.

[YoshiEgg25]

I really wish I'd thought of that one. I don't steal jokes but holy crap I wanna use it so bad.

Do you also do stand up?

I thought I was the only one on this board who did.

Not really. I've wanted to do it for a while, but sometimes I don't think I'm that funny? I pretty much come up with jokes only in my free time, and not that often. Then I tend to forget them.

My college having an Open Mic Night every month gives me the opportunity though. I guess if I really worked at it I could do it. I have a joke or two that I've come up with but one just happens to be something I blurted out in my Physics class two years ago.

[spiritplx]

This morning around 8:30 am, while driving to Kansas City, I saw a car go off the bridge and fall into the Missouri River. I couldn't see how many people were inside the car, but I saw it had Kansas license plates and a Kansas Jayhawks rear window decal. Being a good citizen, I immediately informed EMS. It is now 6 pm and they still haven't responded -- I'm beginning to think I wasted a stamp!

[Ngamer]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The
officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour,
sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise
control at 60,perhaps your radar needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly
from the passenger seat, "Now don't be silly, dear,
you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks
over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your
mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be
thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As
the officer makes out the second ticket for the
illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his
wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman,
can't you keep your mouth shut."

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're
not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic
$75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see
officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled
me over so that I could get my license out of my back
pocket."

The wife says," Now, dear, you know very well that you
didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your
seat belt when you're driving." And as the police
officer is writing out the third ticket the driver
turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE
HELL UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does
your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"No, officer. Only when he's been drinking"

[dgamemuster]

Man Of The House

A man and his wife were on their honeymoon. The husband took off his pants and handed them to his wife.
"See if they fit."

"They don't."

"Now you see who will wear the pants in this house." She thought a little while, and took off her panties and asked him to try them on.

"I can't get into these."

"And you won't, either, with that attitude."

[Ngamer]

A man was speeding, going about 95 mph down the highway, when he was pulled over by the state police.

The Statie, being in a good mood for once, decided to give the guy a break, if the driver could give him a good reason for driving so fast.

The driver stared ahead, smiled to himself, and said "Last week, my wife of 15 years left me for a cop, and I thought you were trying to give her back."

The Statie ripped up the ticket.