Joke Thread

[Anapan]

Mine are all old too. I have a jokester on my crew that has been listing off the same jokes so I said I'd grab him some good ones off the internet. Most of these are circa 1997-99, but I've been filtering them for quality (over 400 condensed into the best as of this week). I can list off a bunch but the problem is being a construction worker and this being a family-safe site I have a limited selection to post. Here's a couple more:

_______________________

Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports. Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.

It would be a win-win for everyone, there would be none of this crap about racial profiling and this method would eliminate a long and expensive trial.

Justice would be quick and swift. Case Closed!

This is so simple that it's brilliant. I can see it now: you're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system,

"Attention standby passengers we now have a seat available on flight number...

_____________________

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing.

"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer."

[Betamax001]

This one is from a sketch that was on a BBC sketch for all of you Doctor Who fans out there!

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Doctor.
Doctor who?


....eh? eh? ....

[lisalover1]

There is a band playing Beethoven's 9th symphony in a concert hall, and there is a long section near the end where the Basses don't play, so the section decides to go to the bar in the back and have a few drinks. But, they tie a string to the last page of the conductor's sheet music, so they will know when he turns the page, and they know when to come back. So, the music goes on, and right near the end of the piece, the conductor suddenly realizes that he's in big trouble! Why? It's the bottom of the ninth, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded!

[Anapan]

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.

Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.





Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"


"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second." So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find
The button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are
Not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen
Floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.

Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to
The office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about
My head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was. "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"

If they only knew!

[Para]

Joke from Boondock Saints

NSFW and it is racist but very funny scene and awesome movie overall.

[saturnfan]

Joke from Boondock Saints

NSFW and it is racist but very funny scene and awesome movie overall.

I remember Gran Torino being packed with racist jokes from start to end. This scene isn't really a "joke" but I thought it was really funny.

[VincentX]

So there are these two guys sitting at a bar that's located on the sixth floor together.
One turns to the other and says, "Hey, you know the wind currents are so strong up here that you can float?"
The other, not drunk enough to believe it, goes, "Yeah right."
So the first guy walks over to a large window, opens it up and steps out into and just floats for a minute before getting back inside. The other guy immediately runs over to the window, jumps out...and falls to his death.
The bartender looks at the remaining patron and says, "You know, you're a real jerk when you're drunk Superman."

[Anapan]

During a visit to the seniors home, I asked the director how do you
determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?



"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket
because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
want a bed near the window?"

[Ngamer]

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy,
he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

[Pichu]

On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

Oh god that one killed me!