Examples:
"I hate Mortal Kombat because the guy always yells "FINISH HIM!" and I don't know the combo for blowjobs."
"Who needs the Xbox 360 when you can just play regular Xbox while sitting on a Sit n' Spin?"
"I'm pretty bummed about Manute Bol dying but, with being THAT tall, he was already half-way to Heaven."
"To honor 2Pac's birthday today, I'm going to pour out a little liquor.....into my mouth."
"I don't need to hear Obama give the Oval Office Address because I've already heard it. It's 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue."
"Shit gets racist when #Nig plays #Ger [in the World Cup]"
"I think when Jesus said "cast not pearls before swine" he meant that you shouldn't jerk off on ugly chicks."
"If crying was good exercise, there'd be far fewer fat chicks."
"Sorry dogs, but porn is a man's best friend."
"My porn name is Miles Long."
"I just turned a ho into a housewife and it was worth a shitload of points. I got a triple word score."
"Twitter reminds me of your Mom: I open a window, put my log in, leave a little something in a box, log out, then close the window."
"The thing about "Your Mother" jokes is that they're lame and used up...just like your Mother."
"I auditioned for next season's "Dancing With the Stars" but I guess my pussy poppin' didn't win over the judges."
"I'm not a stalker, I'm just bad with goodbyes."
"The last time I got an "A" on a test, it was for hepatitis."
"If laughter is the best medicine, then why do hookers still have chlamydia after laughing at the size of my penis?"
"I'm going to start a Foo Fighters cover band dressed as Mr. T and call it "I Pity the Foos."
"I like to sing the chorus to "That Smell" by Lynyrd Skynyrd to people until they figure out that I just farted."
"Can't I take a dump without anyone bugging me and yelling "That's a trash can, sir!" like I don't know it is."
"I hate auto flush shitters. All that work without being able to see the result just seems like a waste."
"Before I knew it was called a "vuvuzela", I used to call it "that thing that Nick Nolte snorts cocaine from."
"I regret the day I ever met Nick Nolte when I threw my trash in the same dumpster he was sleeping in."
"I want to go to Disneyland to kick Mickey Mouse in the balls to see if his voice will get any higher."
"I'd love to help BP with the oil spill, but I can't even get rid of the oil stains in my driveway."
"This Father's Day, I'm going to do what I do every year and have Maury read all my paternity test results."
"Happy Father's Day to the true fuckers of Mothers. Without them, there would be no MILFs."
More @ http://twitter.com/GaryJBusey
