helping someone deal with spousal abuse

[Gamerforlife]

This is a weighty subject, but I know we've discussed serious issues on this forum before and there is enough collective life experience amongst everyone here that I may be able to learn something

Has anyone ever had experience helping someone who is dealing with spousal abuse? Particularly if she has sworn you to secrecy about it? I guess I'm looking for some general advice. Seriously worried about this person's safety and don't really know how to help and can't really tell anyone about it. I don't want to go too much into detail, since this person told me everything in confidence and her trust is easily broken.

Also, there are kids involved, which makes it that much more complicated.

[redmachus]

You're right. That is, indeed, a weighty subject. In fact, what you really have are a few weighty subjects: spousal abuse, trust and secrecy, and a possible child abuse scenario. Let's deal with them one at a time.

The spousal abuse issue is one that you can do little about. I hate to say it, but there it is. I deal with these things on a professional level quite frequently, and the fact of the matter is that most spousal abuse goes unreported, or, even if it is reported, little is done about it. So your options here are limited; you can either report your friend's husband, and hope that she doesn't deny it when the police question her about it (which is the only way something will be done about it, unless they determine she is in grave danger. This doesn't happen very often.), or hold your tongue and hope that she sees the light of day.

Which leads us to issue numero 2. I don't fully know the situation; I don't know how close of friends you are with this person, or how fragile that relationship is. Most women who confide something like that are doing so with people they trust and don't perceive as a threat; otherwise, they wouldn't give a rat's neither region who found out. What you have to decide is whether or not her friendship is worth more than her being beaten. Sick choice, huh? That's life. Of course, not saying anything may actually be a reasonable course of action, at least for now. If she keeps confiding in you, it may give you the time to find out more; details of attacks, frequency, how willing she is to stay with this person (and lord on high, how often they do, which a whole other ball of wax), why she doesn't take a baseball bat to his head, why she hasn't removed his most prized possession with a chef's knife after he's asleep, and, most importantly, if this abuse extends to the children.

Which leads us to #3. This is the clencher, and trumps everything else about the situation. If you suspect that the children are being abused, everything else goes out the window. Report it immediately. (And let me just say here and now that spousal abuse and child abuse are like Laural and Hardy; yeah, you know they must have been separated sometimes, but I'll be damned of when that was.) Call CPS, say you suspect child abuse, (you can do this anonymously), and know that you did the right thing. I don't have kids, and don't particularly want any, so I'm not one of those save the children fanatics, but I always get upset when a hear about children getting abused and nothing gets done. In this case, your issue of trust and loyalty to your friend mean exactly dick, and she should damn well know it. If not, maybe someone should teach her. Like the people who come and question her about the child abuse. If the kids are being abused, that is. If she says they aren't, I'd still keep my ear to the door. It might not be long.

[Hatta]

There's only one way to deal with abuse, leave. The very first time. No exceptions. If she's not willing to do that, the only reason she's coming to you is to get emotional support. Support that will help her cope with the abuse, not end it. Don't become an enabler.

So lay it down. If she wants to leave, offer all the help you can. If she doesn't, it's her bed make her lie in it. Wash your hands of it, and get the fuck out of there.

[MrPopo]

I have to echo redmachus's sentiments. Spousal abuse tends to create a weird kind of Stockholme Syndrome in its victims, so unless she's actively asking you to help her out of the situation (and I would ask her if that's what she wants) you probably can't do a whole lot to improve her situation. However, as mentioned, if kids are getting involved then you need to step in and get CPS involved. When children are young they can be easily affected by the home environment. Time and time again I've seen that children of abusive households tend to go in one of two directions; they hook up with people who abuse them, or they become abusers themselves. If there are kids involved you need to step in.

[J T]

In general, there are two major reasons that a person will not leave an abusive spouse.

1. the spouse provides something for them (Money, love, co-parenting, house, etc.)
2. the person fears retribution for leaving

It's hard to walk out of an abusive relationship because it feels like you are going to walk out on your own with no one there for you and no options. There's no one there to help care for you and there's no one there to help protect you if your abuser comes looking for you. If you can help her pull together enough friends that could provide a support network that might be willing to give her a place to stay and help take care of the kids, then she might have enough freedom to leave the guy at that point.

The other thing to do is to continue to ask about what's going on, express your concern for what's happening, validate her feelings, provide suggestions, and let her make her own decisions unless things actually reach a life threatening point. I always hate to see this kind of thing happen. You're a good friend to want to help.

[Gamerforlife]

No child abuse...yet. One of the kids is afraid of the guy though, but the other kids are unaware of the situation and seem pretty attached to the guy. I think that's the problem. You have kids involved who are attached to this person

Her and I have gotten pretty close. The sad thing is, I fear for her state of mind. She sounds like someone who is barely holding it all together and I feel like talking me is the only thing helping her. And as I said before, I am seriously concerned for her well being. Let's just say the abuse seems to be rather brutal and I'll leave it at that.

Damn, life is complicated.

[chupon]

Get her out, and the kids to. The longer it goes on the worse it's gonna get. It will never get better.

Give me the mans address and I beat the shit out of him for you.

[bacteria]

Best advice might be to just "be there for her" when she wants help or advice but that is it. Get involved and it can make things worse, and backfire on you. If she knows she can speak to you when she needs to and ask for help if needed, that is probably as far as you should be involved. It's a minefield.

[Inazuma]

There's only one way to deal with abuse, leave. The very first time. No exceptions. If she's not willing to do that, the only reason she's coming to you is to get emotional support. Support that will help her cope with the abuse, not end it. Don't become an enabler.

So lay it down. If she wants to leave, offer all the help you can. If she doesn't, it's her bed make her lie in it. Wash your hands of it, and get the fuck out of there.

Took the words outta my mouth.

[randombullseye]

There's only one way to deal with abuse, leave. The very first time. No exceptions. If she's not willing to do that, the only reason she's coming to you is to get emotional support. Support that will help her cope with the abuse, not end it. Don't become an enabler.

So lay it down. If she wants to leave, offer all the help you can. If she doesn't, it's her bed make her lie in it. Wash your hands of it, and get the fuck out of there.

Took the words outta my mouth.

I agree strongly.