My Gentleman's Quarrel with Captain Falcon

[Big Stupid]

A while ago back in the 1989 I got into a quarrel with one Captain Douglas J. Falcon. I believe they made a video entertainment cartridge based on the whole ordeal. The final product was unfaithful to the historical bout. Here's the story told in third person in order to objectively distance yourself from the gruesome protagonist.

My Gentleman's Quarrel with Captain Falcon

It was a warm Spring day. Two men with similar dispositions stand poised in a deadlock stare from two opposing corners of regulation boxing ring. Big Stupid stands tall, his attire comprised of sunglasses, a bandanna, a gaudy robe, and a cowboy hat. Big then removes all of his accessories, revealing his scrawny hairless chest and effeminate pink cut off shorts. He breaks the deadlock by biting his tongue and then proceeds to produce water before howling in pain and anguish.

Captain Falcon stands proud and confident with a pair of chilling eyes digging deep into the soul of the soon to be vanquished Big, surrounded by hundreds of his girlfriends whom he obviously has had, each draped in velvet. Falcon beckons to his lady friends to stop clinging to his massive biceps so that he can have his date with destiny. Destiny, being his newest lady friend. While Falcon is putting the moves on Destiny, with pick up lines that he received from his master. He notices out the corner of his eye a mosquito adorned in effeminate pink shorts. "I must crush this bug with my fists" shrieks Falcon. At this moment legions of teenage Japanese girls swarm the ring unable stand idle while the paragon of masculinity stands before them.

The Captain removes his bathrobe, revealing his bulging pectoral muscles and a pair of boxing shorts with the insignia of the United States flag as seen on the character Apollo Creed in the highly successful film "Rocky." The girls lose their inhibitions due to the raw masculinity presented before them. Just then the bounty hunter flexed his bicep muscles causing a rupture in the earth's tectonic plates resulting in an earthquake in Haiti and the remainder of the females in the ring to have orgasmic convolutions, many of which proved to be fatal.

While the EMTs cleared the ring of limp bodies, Big Stupid grabbed a microphone from the ringside and claimed it was good to be back in Kennett Square. His seemingly babyface gesture was followed by a heel-like quip "a God forsaken hell hole full of drunkards and dumb hicks." Big then added "Oh yeah" as the attendants of the match pelted Big with soda cans and beer bottles. "You're all just jealous, jealous, they're all jealous of me. They all want to be me," added Big growing increasing erratic "I can't sing and I can't dance but I can sure as hell make romance" Big mumbled to himself while the crowd stared at the captain's gigantic deltoids and glutes.

The honorable referee, Mario, steps into the middle of the ring and declares that he wants a good clean fight, all the while meretriciously stepping over the unconscious (or dead ) bodies of the Captain's female fans. The bell was rung and the fight began!

to be continued

The two combatants circled each other, eying one another down, each one trying to get the advantage. Big began taking jabs at his Herculean opponent while the behemoth skillfully dodged his blows. Frustrated, Big Stupid smashed his fists together yelling "SO MAD", shattering several bones in the process. Shrewdly, Falcon took advantage of Big's dismay and visible tears to deliver his patented Falcon Punch. “FALCON PUNCH!” thundered the captain. The blow connected sending Big and his pink cut offs into the air, all before landing on one Solid Snake sitting in the forth Row. Big, cushioned by a pile of cigarettes adjacent to phallicly named tactical agent managed to only sustain a shattered jaw. *DING DING DING*! The bell sounded and the first round was over.

In the blue corner Big was comforted by an obese black man sporting track pants and a red sweater. “Doc, I can't beat him,” complained the bloody, bruised and beaten boob to his manager. “Join the Nintendo Fun Club today, Big” said the viable disturbed manager. “What does that even mean? What on earth are you talking about” said Big through a heavily distorted speech pattern “My favorite dance!? It's chocolate!! Ha ha ha!!” Doc Louis spat out. Big bit his tongue again and began to make water. After receiving a new pair of boxing shorts (yellow spandex this time) Big Stupid turned to face his opponent, who was flexing to the adoration of his hundreds of girlfriends he obviously has had (obviously.). The bell rang and the valiant referee signaled for the next round to begin.

“If I can sneak up behind him, I just might be able to get the upperhand” thought the puny Delawarean as he sneaked up behind his opponent. However, Falcon began doing his famous “show your moves” taunt to his drooling sweethearts and began moving his arms violently striking Big Stupid upside the head with his rock hard elbow, sending Big flying to the ground with all the celerity of a feline being defenestrated. Big hit the floor hard leaving an indentation in the ring. Mario began his count “1” “2” “3” he yelled “My face, Oh God I can't get up” thought Big. Mario continued his count “6” “7”. Big staggered to the ropes reeling while stammering to his feet. The honorable referee signaled for the match to continue. “Don't turn around. Don't turn around. Please, please don't turn around” Big pleaded with God as his opponent shouted “HURAH” to the adoration of his helplessly smitten companions. “YES” roared the confident colossus as he approached his hapless pray. “Eeeeeek!!!” shrieked Big as he ran around the ring in circles. “Come back here!” shouted his pursuer swinging his tree like arms at his poor fish opponent. Big hid behind Doc Louis as Falcon took swipe after swipe at the miserable rabbit running scared.

Just then Falcon grabbed Big by the head, elevated him ten feet into the air and began winding up his fist with such speed that he created a typhoon. *DING DING DING* went the bell. “Alright, that's the end of round two” remarked Mario, disappointed he wouldn't be able to witness the calamitous blow. Falcon went to his corner where he opened up to the middle of the latest flash comic while being molested by scores of lust driven vixens who began panting uncontrollably at the sheer girth of his muscles . “Ladies please please” remarked the Herculean He-Man “Oh,Wally West how's he going to get out of this jam?” thought the Captain, puzzled about the plight of his favorite comic book hero.

Meanwhile, Doc Louis, Big's manager, dragged his fighter to the corner. “You got to punch and duck. Punch and duck” divulged the manager with dubious doctorate credentials. “right lunch and truck” said the punch drunk sap who lay battered in corner propped up by the turnbuckle post. *DING DING DING* sounded the bell and the next round had begun.

The two combatants engaged. The battered ignoramus charged like a bull head first towards his muscular opponent. Falcon dodged easily, not even taking his eyes of off the Flash #612 “Oh! He's going to use his super speed to shatter the space time continuum. That flash is so smart.” thought the hulking Goliath as Big smashed his head into the steel turnbuckle post. Little cartoon birdies flew around Big's head in a comical fashion to the chagrin of Doc Louis and to the elation of the audience. “ack it's The Turtle, how's the flash going to thwart him” panicked the Captain, unaware of the bloody mess which lay abreast to him. “Oh he's going to move with celerity” remarked the hulking symbol of masculinity. “I forgot he could do that” said the lady killing muscle machine smacking himself gently on the head.

I don't remember to much after that. I think he Falcon Punched me into 2010. I'm still soar and my butt hurts. The best part is the fact that I can now get a Super Nintendo before all those other saps who didn't get punched into the future.

That was my fight with the world famous bounty hunter, Captain Falcon. Have you ever gotten into a quarrel, a scuffle, a skirmish, a brawl, a melee or a kerfuffle with a video game character? If so what was it like and how many bones did you shatter?

[J T]

ahem. Excuse me, dealer? Yes, I'll smoke whatever he's smoking.

[Dylan]

I really have no idea. That was a pretty good read, though.

[izdead]

dang good stuff, now wheres that one guy who was writing a book and posting it here.

[lost_within]

...I think I just got cancer and some form of std after reading that.

[Mod_Man_Extreme]

No, not here.

We aren't GameFaqs and I'm not going to allow a stream of weird spammy gamer-fan-fics start popping up.

Take it to FFN if you want to write:
http://www.fanfiction.net/

Thread Locked and good day to you sir.