Chapters 1 and half of 2 of my book im working on

[deathbed8844]

Hey guys here is some of this book i have been wrighting. Sorry for the grammer and punctuation errors. Enjoy and comment!!

Chapter 1It all started off like any other summer day. It started when me and my two friends Colon and Palex went on a bike ride.
We started to talk. " I really dont think we should do this every day" said Palex. Then Colon said " Yeah. We've been doing this
bike ride thing since the beginning of summer and in all the other summers". " Its really not a good idea cause these bike rides
we go on are fun and stuff" I said. Then all of a sudden we came out to a big steep hill and we started to ride down. When we
were going really fast i shouted " Im going so fas-"! Then i was flung over my handlebars and onto the hard ground. I wearily
got up and Palex ame over to help me up. When i went to pick up my bike i saw something shiny stuck in my front bike tire. I
took it out and closley looked at it. Palex came over to me and said " What the heck is that"? " I have no freaking idea" I said
. "Then give it to me"! Then he snatched it from me and then a giant spike came out of the ground went up into Palex's face! Th-
en i got the heck out of there. I ran down the hill as a creature with three heads and a dogs tail and assorted animal arms burs
t through the ground. I stopped for a minute to laugh because if saw him for real, you would do the same. Then out of nowhere
i shot a spike from its chest and it barley whizzed past my head. I ran down the hill further with human, dog, spike thingy aft
er me. I saw Colon and yelled " Run Colon! Run!" Colon said " What?" " Run. Run now!" Then a spike came whizzing past me and
went through his chest. I kept running as i saw people being spiked behind me and houses blowing up. Then i saw a moving car and
waved my arms back and forth. Then the car stopped and i ran up to it and said " Please let me in somthing is trying to kill me!
" " Yeah right you little kid. Now get away from my car!" Then all of a sudden i looked up and said " Crap". I stepped back from
the car and looked up and said " Hey man, you better back up". " Im not listening to a stupid kid " Then a giant clap thing came
over the car and wrapped around it. Then the car melted down into green goop with a little red mixed in.Ten a tentacle came to
the ground and grabbed me. It took me up to its faces and said " Hello Jerry". Then i said " How do speak english and how do
you know my name"? " Every kill i make i soak up their whole entire knowledge". " Oh but what are you doing here? Arentyou supp
-osed to be in a space ship or something"? "No" "Why are you doing this? How did you just come out of the ground?" "Only white
people can activate me by touching the crystal". Did i mention i was half black half white? So couldnt have activated the abomin
-ation carrying me right now. Then he threw me on the ground and said " Die now you little boy"! And at that moment a spike came
shooting out of its chest.


Chapter 2


Just as the spike was two feet infront of me a missile hit it in mid air. I went skidding acrros the ground propelled by the exp
losion. Then i saw big swat vans and tanks rolling down the street fireing all willy nilly.
Then i thought " Wow! These guys will shurley beat the crap out of this sucker!". Then out of
nowhere a young soldier came out the line of soldiers. He walked up right next to the creature
and said, " Get the heck out of our town, country and planet!" Then he did something very stupid,
he went up and blew of one of the monsters heads. Then i saw the soldier flying into the front
window of a car causing it to explode. Then all the soldiers ran up to the creature at the same time as it was regenerating its head.
I ran as it rained soldiers behind me. I kept running till i didnt see the creature behind me. Then i saw what looked like small
versions of the big thing. I ran into a gerritys supermarket near where i was hiding. I layed down behind a cash register and rested
for a minute. Then a heard a loud shatter at the entrance of the store. I peeked over the registed and saw the small copys of the big thing
come through the front door. I saw only three come so i shouldnt be a challenge. I snuck through the store and saw a meat clever in the
deli secton. I grabbed it and snuck up behind one of the little monsters and stabbed it. I fell over on the ground and a bunch of blood
came out of the hole i stabbed in it.

[dlmvii]

oh....oh dear...

[noiseredux]

dude, you actually spelled "writing" wrong...

[Limewater]

What happened to Rubber Grenade Online? I tried to go there and check for updates, but it's gone.

Also, I think you might live near dsheinem.

I will say that your story seems to be pretty action-packed. I'm not sure how you'll get a whole novel out of it, though, and your main character doesn't seem too upset about his friends dying.

[Luke]

Keep the chapters coming!

[jfrost]

Engrossing.

[Limewater]

Engrossing.

Agreed!

Also, I think you should put some hot girls in the story before too long. But don't write anything nasty! I don't read those kinds of books! I'm looking forward to chapter 3!

[Xonticus]

Pretty decent to be honest!

Copy/Pasting from Word took out all of the sentence/paragraph structure. The setting development is not as clear as it could be, the action sequences are unclear and underdeveloped, or it could be the flawed sentence structure throughout. Too much is going on to be coherent, and not enough is explained.

Go back, develop your thoughts. Currently it looks like mental diarrhea, which is not a bad thing. That is a good way to throw down ideas... I would also recommend that you read more stories and pay attention to how people right. Maybe you can develop your own unique style.

Good luck!

[dsheinem]

Also, I think you might live near dsheinem.

Why?

[Limewater]

Also, I think you might live near dsheinem.

Why?

In chapter 2, he mentions ducking into a Gerrity's Supermarket. As far as I know and google tells me, they're just in northeastern Pennsylvania. Your Location field also says northeast PA.