Regrets - Life, Gaming, Love, Hate, Whatever.

[ElkinFencer10]

My biggest regret is how I treated one of my best friends in high school. When I was in 8th grade, I had a friend named Justin at the time, and he and I were inseparable. A month or two into our freshman year, he and his mom moved to Hickory (about an hour and some change south of Elkin, where I grew up), and he started to be "homeschooled" (I put that in quotes because his mother did no actual schooling). His mom got a new boyfriend, but Justin and the boyfriend did NOT get along, and by the end of our sophomore year, there were worries that the souring relationship would turn abusive. My mom talked to his mom, and he came to live with us my junior year of high school under the agreement that we wouldn't expect him to pay rent or anything so long as he got his GED (since he had officially dropped out by this point) and then either find a job or enroll in Surry Community College and continue his education.

During the day, when I was at school, he stayed at the house, usually on YouTube or cleaning around the house, and I usually wasn't home until 5 or 5:30 since I had fencing practice after school. One day, however, I came home early (I think my coach was sick or something; I don't remember). When I walked into my bedroom, I saw my friend at the computer with make up, pig tails (we both had long hair), and a French maid outfit. Turn out, my friend was transgender and hadn't come out to anyone yet (she goes by Emily now), and I reacted horribly. I was, understandably, shocked since I had no indication or suspicion of her true gender identity, but I also made known that it freaked me out when she presented as female and that I wasn't okay being seen in public with her unless she presented as male. Given that I've always been such a huge advocate for the gay community, looking back, I'm appalled that I reacted in a way that can only be described as transphobic.

Our relationship, understandably, completely fell apart. She moved out on her own after my junior year of high school, and I haven't really spoken to her since aside from a few Facebook conversations that always digressed into arguments (she was, understandably, very bitter and hurt). I'd like to reach out to her again and, even if I can't restore our friendship, at least express to her my shame and regret over the way I treated her and apologize, but I still don't know what exactly I want to say. How do you apologize for judging to harshly and so vocally the very essence of who someone is? That's utterly unacceptable to do to any person, let alone someone who is supposed to be your best friend. Not a day goes by when I don't beat myself up for how I acted even though it was eight years ago now.

Anyway, that's the biggest regret of my life. Figured I'd share.

[jp1]

I'm glad some of you are feeling open to sharing as well. Just because we are an online community doesn't mean that we can't get to know each other a little more. I won't be proud of many of the things I will come to share in this thread, but I own every one of them. It isn't the traditional use but I think "growing pains" is a good term for it. I'll never say "no regrets", no disrespect to those who do..but that just isn't me.

At times in my life I've been a bad friend, a bad son, a bad father, even a bad person, it's only through realization of those mistakes and a constant reminder of the pain they have caused me and others that I've been able to overcome and grow.

I have some friends who say their mistakes made them who they are today. I appreciate the sentiment, I just think it is important to understand that twenty years from now the mistakes you are currently making will be the ones you look back on as well. I try to question myself more now as an adult than I ever did when I was younger, and especially I try to instill in my children to always be questioning themselves, revisiting their actions and reactions. I don't think regrets make you weak at all, I think only strong people are willing to embrace their regrets and pain and use them to move forward.

@Exhuminator, I appreciate that man. Honestly, I'm not sure it really was 50/50 though. I was very much about the crap going on in my life at the time and I'm pretty sure that if I had been a better friend I would have taken the time to try and understand this odd line of questioning and see the obvious pain he was in. There are some other elements involved that I'm really not at liberty to discuss either, since they are part of his story and not mine. In any case, you might be right, in my experience I was very lucky to ever have a friend that good in the first place.

@8bit, Thanks for sharing something so personal man. I have a lot of family regrets I will visit over time here as well. I can relate, not the exact same experience, but certainly the sentiment behind it. Hope to see some resolution come for you on that front.

[jp1]

My biggest regret is how I treated one of my best friends in high school. When I was in 8th grade, I had a friend named Justin at the time, and he and I were inseparable. A month or two into our freshman year, he and his mom moved to Hickory (about an hour and some change south of Elkin, where I grew up), and he started to be "homeschooled" (I put that in quotes because his mother did no actual schooling). His mom got a new boyfriend, but Justin and the boyfriend did NOT get along, and by the end of our sophomore year, there were worries that the souring relationship would turn abusive. My mom talked to his mom, and he came to live with us my junior year of high school under the agreement that we wouldn't expect him to pay rent or anything so long as he got his GED (since he had officially dropped out by this point) and then either find a job or enroll in Surry Community College and continue his education.

During the day, when I was at school, he stayed at the house, usually on YouTube or cleaning around the house, and I usually wasn't home until 5 or 5:30 since I had fencing practice after school. One day, however, I came home early (I think my coach was sick or something; I don't remember). When I walked into my bedroom, I saw my friend at the computer with make up, pig tails (we both had long hair), and a French maid outfit. Turn out, my friend was transgender and hadn't come out to anyone yet (she goes by Emily now), and I reacted horribly. I was, understandably, shocked since I had no indication or suspicion of her true gender identity, but I also made known that it freaked me out when she presented as female and that I wasn't okay being seen in public with her unless she presented as male. Given that I've always been such a huge advocate for the gay community, looking back, I'm appalled that I reacted in a way that can only be described as transphobic.

Our relationship, understandably, completely fell apart. She moved out on her own after my junior year of high school, and I haven't really spoken to her since aside from a few Facebook conversations that always digressed into arguments (she was, understandably, very bitter and hurt). I'd like to reach out to her again and, even if I can't restore our friendship, at least express to her my shame and regret over the way I treated her and apologize, but I still don't know what exactly I want to say. How do you apologize for judging to harshly and so vocally the very essence of who someone is? That's utterly unacceptable to do to any person, let alone someone who is supposed to be your best friend. Not a day goes by when I don't beat myself up for how I acted even though it was eight years ago now.

Anyway, that's the biggest regret of my life. Figured I'd share.

I think that you summed it up nicely right there Elkin. It's none of my business, but if it is a regret of yours and you have that opportunity to reach out, I suggest you express the exact sentiment posted above. Just put it as is, with no expectations or rationalizations. If she is willing to forgive maybe you could mend some fences, if not then you ended things on the best possible terms from your end at least.

I'll say this, I would love the opportunity to just reach out and tell my friend "I'm sorry". It's never too late, until it is.

Anyway, thanks for sharing. I'm sure it wasn't a proud moment for you.

[MrPopo]

I'd like to reach out to her again and, even if I can't restore our friendship, at least express to her my shame and regret over the way I treated her and apologize, but I still don't know what exactly I want to say. How do you apologize for judging to harshly and so vocally the very essence of who someone is? That's utterly unacceptable to do to any person, let alone someone who is supposed to be your best friend. Not a day goes by when I don't beat myself up for how I acted even though it was eight years ago now.

An apology isn't asking for forgiveness, it's admitting an error, and you know both the scope and gravity of your error. So you let her know that you fucked up, and you fucked up bad, and you deeply regret it.