I'll start. I could probably fill the thread up myself, but here is a taste.
I was a gifted student, had many friends, and never really sat in a particular clique. That is all to say that I sat at different lunch tables every week in school. Traditional cliche stereotypes need not be applied.
However, I was not wise to my gifted status and squandered it, after school special style. Drugs, alcohol, fighting, teenage pregnancy (The fathering part
). To top it off, although I had many friends...I have only ever had one true friend aside from my wife. The type of friend you can trust with anything, depend on for anything, never lets you down.
Through my downward spiral (relevant musical reference), he was always making time outside of his regular activities and extra studying to hang out. He struggled more than I did in school but worked harder, and had more ambition.
It's getting tangential so let me tie it together a little. In short, I fell off and didn't jump right into college. I've been working full time, sometimes double full time since I was fifteen. I've been a father since I was eighteen. I didn't continue my education until I was almost thirty. I've lived a lot for someone my age. Somewhere in the mix, my friend and I sort of lost touch.
I have a pretty full life and I'm generally satisfied, but something is always missing. The aforementioned friend was more like my brother. We spent entire summers together, dates were almost always double dates, we even dated girls who became friends they spent so much time together. We worked together, I had a better relationship with his parents and siblings than I did with my own.
Some time around our twenties, he came to speak with me. I was going through some shit and kind of blew him off. He was asking about some pills or something, I didn't think much of it then. Now, I know he was asking for help. One week later he attempted suicide. He almost died, legitimately, like weeks in ICU and a coma. I was both hurt and furious. I didn't understand then how much it was my fault.
I tried to continue with the friendship, but it was always nagging in the back of my mind how angry I was about it. I was not sympathetic, I was not supportive, I didn't listen. I simply chastised him and tried to move on without really talking things out. I was a real piece of shit.
Naturally everything fell apart and we went our separate ways. He has moved across the country, I don't speak to him at all, I don't speak to his siblings (also like brothers), I don't speak to his parents. I can't even find a way to contact him.
Having lived a little longer, I understand so much better how I failed him in the situation the same as everyone else and how he would have never failed me in the same way. I have heard through the grapevine that he got married, had a daughter, has a pretty nice career. I'm so happy he has a full life and things improved for him. But, I don't think I will ever have a friend like him again.
Like I said, I have my wife, but that's a different kind of friendship. I don't even know if it is possible as an adult to keep the kind of brotherhood going with someone that we used to share. If it is, I certainly haven't had any friends who could be a part of it.
Call it gay if you like (I don't care, for so many reasons), but even as platonic friends we were intimate. Not physically, we just shared everything. He knew the worst of me, and vice versa...but it didn't matter. I've cried on his shoulder when losing my first love, he has done the same. It has left a void in my life that I'm not sure anyone else could fill.
So, even though you won't read this. I love you bro! I miss you every day. I'm so fucking sorry I wasn't a better friend to you.
