What is your retro video game spirit animal?

[TEKTORO]

The world is a better place with peeps like JT.

[marurun]

OK, now that we're on page 9, I guess I have to confess that I'm jealous of everyone's fantastic spirit animals. I sure wouldn't mind having one of my own.

[Exhuminator]

"Yoga! Yoga. Yoga Yog Yo Y" the tiny voice trailed into darkness, fading to nothing. Exhuminator squished up his scaly eyes, trying to see something, anything. Ex puffed a small ball of flame from his nostrils, attempting to illuminate his surroundings. As the fiery puff flew away, for one brief moment it illuminated a figure. It was Dhalsim, looking stony and serious, not a hint of sarcasm to be found.



"If you wish to overcome your false pretenses, you must destroy them." His voice no longer squeaky, but now deep and forlorn. "Are you an ape? Or are you a demon? Or are you some kind of demon ape?" The skulls around Dhalsim's neck began to glow, and now Exhuminator could see himself again. To his horror, Ex found he was no longer Firebrand, but some sort of Donkey-Kong-Firebrand hybrid. Exhum lifted his arm, from the shoulder to elbow, it was reptilian. But from the elbow to finger tips, ape. "Destroy it, and be true to yourself, or accept it, and move on." Dhalsim said nothing else, and his skulls slowly began to fade back into darkness. Exhuminator ran his forked tongue across his thick spikes of teeth. Lifting his hand to his mouth, Ex knew what he must do. With lightning force, Exhuminator sunk his fangs deep into his own wrist. The pain was brilliant, maddening, purely excruciating. Even as he bit ever harder, Exhuminator screamed through his own gurgling blood. He felt his monkey fingers pulse madly against his own throat. Finally it was done, with a crunch of bone and sinew, the ape hand fell to his clawed feet. Donkey Kong fur stuck to his own teeth as Exhuminator tried not to pass out from sheer shock.



Exhuminator concentrated intently on willing the detached hand to move. Slowly it began to withdraw three fingers and a thumb. Until only the middle finger remained outstretched. Ex puffed a tiny flame to the tip of the prolonged finger. Like a screw you candle, the bird making hand pointed itself towards the yoga master. The flame shot out from the finger and launched towards Dhalsim. It split into two flames and they rushed directly towards Dhalsim's emaciated chest. Finally they stopped, dancing upon his exposed nipples. For one second Exhuminator thought he saw Dhalsim nod approvingly. "Impressive, even for a demon." And just as Dhalsim said as such, Exhuminator saw his own hand regrow anew, instantly it was back to being a clawed beast's appendage. Now Ex could see in the darkness once more, and he examined his body once again. Exhuminator was purely Firebrand again, demon savior of the ghoul realm. With vicious glee, Exhuminator jumped into the air and ignited a spherical flame of joy.



"Now, oh elongated wise one, please tell me why I am Firebrand, so that I might tell the others." Exhuminator's voice was raspy and wicked, trails of smoke highlighted each word. "It's because I'm a vile badass, I know. But I need your validation on this, because my word alone is not enough on Racketboy. That's even if those unappreciative fucktards bother to read my words at all." Ex's forked tongue snarled with the last sentence, its protruding tips slithering together in spite. Dhalsim looked impassive as one of his earlobes stretched behind his back, scratching something. Finally after what seemed an eon, the skinny guru spoke once more. "I am tempted to lie to you and tell you what you want to hear, just because it's easier that way. But your own arrogance is of such moral reprehensibility that I must tear it down. The karmatic wheel demands it." And with those words, Dhalsim sat down and began to meditate. He assumed the lotus, and his mouth hung agape. Exhuminator heard a thunderous and all encompassing OM, its vibratory power making the scales on his back clack together. A halo of light extruded from Dhalsim's head, until it clothed his own body.



Exhuminator expected words, but in an instant his mind was filled with a vision instead. First Ex saw the ghoul realm, the fabled land of decay that Firebrand hails from. "This land of rotten and discarded memories is like the world of video games." Dhalsim's voice narrated the scene. "Most people forget about games once they are but a few months old, and older than that, most games might as well be dead and buried for the masses. But you, Exhuminator, prefer to live in this world of pixelated death and decay. Just as Firebrand sought ancient obscure artifacts in the ghoul realm, so too do you seek ancient obscure games within your own. As Firebrand traverses the ghoul realm, at times he visits small towns to discuss his missions with other undead. So too do you visit small forums, to discuss your own gaming missions with fellow gamers. But you prefer to game alone, and just as Firebrand wanders his faded world solo, so to do you enjoy gaming offline in isolation. At times Firebrand finds dungeons to explore to achieve what he seeks. And like Firebrand, you enjoy a good dungeon, taken on alone, to reap the reward of its spoils alone as well. It is true that you enjoy nothing better than tracking down strange old games, uncharted territory for most, and beating them to see credit screens few will ever see. That is after all, why you call yourself Exhuminator. The 'exhuming terminator' of forgotten games, not unlike Firebrand seeking out undead lords to slay within the ghoul realm."



Exhuminator smiled a wide fanged grimace of a grin. "Well Dhalsim, I think you've wrapped it all up pretty nicely. I guess we're done here." But as Exhuminator turned to fly away into the night, he felt his body freeze. "No, we've barely begun." Dhalsim commanded and Exhuminator listened, like it or not. "You prefer to wander alone, not because of your strength, but because of your weakness. People tend to not like you, because all they see are the hard scales you hide your insecurities behind. They avoid your words, because they are often words of scorching condescending flame, and not warm friendly fire. While you are strong indeed, you are also often overbearing to the point of being insulting." Exhuminator felt a hint of rage in his demonic heart. "What about the wings?" Dhalsim responded, "You think they are for flight, but more for fleeing. When you do not agree with others, you tend to avoid them entirely, rather than calmly attempt to explain your true feelings and reconcile." Ex snarled, "What about the claws then?" Not skipping a beat, Dhalsim continued. "The claws represent the blunt way you try to handle complicated problems. Rather than take them apart calmly, you prefer to rip and tear problems into a mess and leave them dead. This does not normally solve the problem, but does insure the problem is in such disregard that it cannot be addressed again." Ex looked deflated, and with a whimper he asked, "Well I do try and help people out sometimes, ask anybody at Racketboy." Dhalsim remained steadfast. "You spew knowledge because you have been a gamer for so long. As Firebrand is an ancient and learned demon, so too are you an ancient and learned gamer, relatively speaking. But what you think is enlightening discussion is often seen as arrogant boasting. And like the shackles Firebrand cannot free from his wrists and ankles, so too do the shackles of your own impetuous preconceptions weigh you down." Exhuminator looked utterly deflated, Dhalsim's words of truth had cut him deeply indeed.



"You know, Dhalsim... I think, I think I was happier being Donkey Kong." The swami cracked a wry smile. "I told you that you wouldn't like the truth." Exhuminator felt his wings flap reflexively, but realized he was defaulting to escape. "I do enjoy hunting down hard old games to beat, alone, I mean, that's true and not bad right?" Dhalsim said calmly, "Sure. As long as you understand that it impresses nobody, and nobody cares but you." Exhuminator sighed. "Well Dhalsim, I guess I've got a lot to work on." "Don't work on it, but do meditate on it, my ruminating demonic disciple." Suddenly, Dhalsim stuck his pinkies into his necklace skulls' eyes, and pulled from within a cluster of bananas. "Do you mind sticking out a claw?" Dhalsim said, and Ex did as such. The yoga master used Ex's claw to shave off the banana skins. Next Dhalsim produced a few toothpicks from his earrings. He stuck the toothpicks into the ends of the bananas and shouted, "Yoga skewer!" The sticks instantly stuck out the other side of the bananas. Dhalsim held them into the air, and said to Exhuminator, "Are you ready?" , Ex chuckled little flutters of flame, "I think I know what you want." He continued, "One, two, three!" And with that, both Ex and Dhalsim cried out in unison: YOGA FLAME!



The darkness was gone, but now Dhalsim and Exhuminator sat contently upon the still meditating elephant. In blissful delicious silence they enjoyed their meal of barbecued bananas. Not many more words were spoken that day between the two, but Exhuminator had learned an important lesson. Sometimes it's more important to stretch your humility, than your ego. And for the record; Dhalsim absolutely refused to discuss the technique of Yoga Penis.

[J T]

This is a spectacular idea JT as always. I humbly ask that you find my spirit animal. My body is ready

"JT, what is wrong?" Dhalsim asked as I walked through the front door. "You seem like you are in a bad mood today."

"Oh, you know... Seattle traffic always gives me road rage. Plus, I was listening to the news and its just always awful stuff: school shootings, corrupt politicians, bigotry, bad cops, crime, housing problems, poverty, terrorist attacks. It just wears me down sometimes. I also think my frustration tolerance is running on empty right now because I've been playing Ghosts n' Goblins for the Together Retro this month, and that game pisses me off to no end. I mean 'an illusion and a trap devised by Satan.' Start over!? WHAT IS THAT CRAP!?!?!"

"Well that sour face doesn't look good on you. You should be happier."

"HA! I'd like to be, but that's a lot easier said than done, Dhalsim. I can sense you are about to give a life lesson though, so spit it out. What do you think I need to be happy?"

"Nothing! That's the beauty of it! Think about it. Who is the happiest person you know?"

"Hmm... probably BogusMeatFactory."

"And do you think he has a life without hardship?"

"Well... no. Remember that time his daughter Rosalind was teething and he literally didn't sleep for like a week! Poor guy."

"Yes, and even though he was out of his mind with sleep deprivation, he still maintained his cheerful positivity and was flowing with enthusiasm for Myst and Shenmue and Space Quest and Wii-U and cheeseball FMV titles... and Myst and Shenmue and Myst"

"Hm.. Yeah, I guess you have a point. But, uh, yeah... what's your point?"

"That you can be happy even when you have no reason to be happy!"

"So, I should just be in denial of my anger then?"

"No no no. Not denial. Allowance! You can acknowledge your bad feelings, just ALLOW room for happiness too. Don't be defined by what you dislike, be defined by what you love! See, here's the trouble most people have JT, you included. They believe they need a reason for anything good in their life. You don't laugh unless a joke is funny enough to warrant laughter. You don't give love from your heart unless you believe someone has proven they deserve it. You don't appreciate something if you don't think you have earned it. You don't feel happy until the moment you get whatever it is you think is going to make you happy (and then the happiness of that acquisition goes away soon after that)."

He leaned in close and started in a hushed voice. "Let me tell you the true secret to happiness JT... You don't need a reason for it!" He shouted and leaned back laughing. "In fact, unreasonable happiness is the best kind of happiness because it can show up even when times are tough. Be happy for no reason. Love for no reason. You delude yourself into thinking you have to ration your love and save it only for those whom you deem deserving. Foolishness! Love is not a finite resource. Our hearts have a boundless capacity for it if we would just step out of our own way. Love simply because you can JT! Be irrationally happy."

"But I don't know how to do that when I listen to the news and there is just so much bad stuff going on in the world. Or when I'm playing Ghosts n' Goblins and those damn little blue goblins fly into me when I'm just trying to climb a ladder! WHY ARE THERE SO MANY LADDERS!? DAMN THEE SATAN!"

"JT listen. Your senses have evolved to look for changes, to look for danger and anomaly, to look for what's wrong. Your senses are like a radar and your attention is drawn to whatever blip looks most troubling. The media understands this and puts as many blips on your radar as they can to get ratings and viewership. Your radar is useful, but you should not let it define you. The radar is like your first pass of Ghosts n' Goblins, it is 'an illusion and a trap devised by Satan.' Control your attention JT. Look beyond the radar. Look for what is right and good. Take nothing for granted. Be the change you want to see."

"I guess that must be what BogusMeatFactory does. How do I start?"

"Just laugh."

"But nothing is funny."

"Exactly. DAHAHAHAHAAAA!" Dhalsim fell over backwards in peels of laughter. His laugh was large and booming. He was rolling on the floor, clutching his belly, and kicking his legs. He simply came unhinged and was giggling hysterically. I couldn't help but smile, and that smile turned into a chuckle. First I was laughing at him, then I was laughing at myself, then I was laughing at the whole situation. His laughter was contagious. I fell to the floor and laughed with him. "DAHAHAAHAHAHAAA!" My sides hurt, my face hurt, I had to struggle for breath so I wouldn't pass out, but none of these pains stopped the laughter, they only seemed to make it stronger. After some time, I forgot what was even so funny to begin with and I was just in pure hysterics. My eyes were filled with tears of inexplicable joy. That's when everything started to look like it was made in claymation and BogusMeatFactory's retro video game spirit animal appeared. It was Hoborg from The Neverhood



The name Hoborg translates to "big heart." I can't think of a better way to describe BMF. He is very big hearted and does everything he can to stay positive, exude enthusiasm, and be friendly. Hoborg also has a big, warm, friendly voice, and if you listen to enough of the VGM Jukebox podcast, you'll hear BMF's voice is the same when he's sharing a song recommendation of one of his favorite VGM tunes.

Hoborg created the Neverhood because he wanted for there to be a happy place. He also created the citizens of the Neverhood so he wouldn't be the only one to enjoy it. BMF didn't create the Racketboy forums, but he does whatever he can to make them a happy place and to attract new friends here. He's always making cheesy jokes, sharing good vibes, and more than anyone else I can think of, he makes a special effort to welcome each new member who joins our forums.

Hoborg is the father of everyone in the Neverhood and he wants the best for his children, which is why he insists that they be made with Klay, the finest, purest quality clay, which can last forever and be reformed multiple times if needed. BMF is also a caring father who wants nothing but the best for his daughter.

Hoborg is also selflessly giving, like when he gave the mean tickberger enough of his own precious Klay that it was no longer hungry. Or when he ripped out a piece of his own chest to join Willie and Bill on their quest. BMF is also a very selflessly giving person. He once sent me an unsolicited copy of 'Her Story' just because he knows I like FMV games. No other reason- he's just a swell guy. I'd also like to highlight that The Neverhood's claymation is a form of FMV, which is another reason Hoborg is BMF's spirit animal. He's here to make our 'hood a better place, so cheers to you Mr. Big Heart!

[J T]

Please divine my spirit animal, O wise seers.

My phone rang and Dhalsim was on the line "JT, I need you to come over. I've got something I need you to do."

"Oh no, not more 'samu'. What is it now? Paint the fence? Sand the floor?"

"No, not samu. Mushihimesama."

"What's that? Some other kind of Japanese meditation?"

"Hmmm. Yeah, something like that."

I walked into Dhalsim's room and he dropped a Hori arcade stick in my lap. "What's up shmup? Are you ready to shmup it up!?" he said with dorky enthusiasm. "Today we find foxhound's spirit animal." The game loaded and anime princesses filled the screen.

"Ok. Are we playing games or finding spirit animals though. I'm confused."

"Just get into it and experience the flow."

I moved my bullet shooting princess around the screen, shooting out baddies and dodging bullets. I kept dying in waves of bullet hell.

"All this is doing is getting me frustrated Dhalsim." I said as I restrained myself from throwing the controller.

"Patience, JT. Patience. It's all good practice."

I got back into the game, and after learning from a few more mistakes, I started to get into the groove There were so many score numbers and bullets on the screen that I became entranced by their purple/pink glow. I swayed left and right, up and down, gently weaving through openings that were just barely big enough to fit through. It was hypnotic. It required so much attention to succeed, that I couldn't think of anything else and I was just fully engrossed in the gameplay. It's like I lost myself in that moment. I felt like I was one with the game. I was in STG nirvana. And that's when foxhound1022's retro game spirit animal appeared. It was Cream from Cookie and Cream.



Cookie and Cream belong together. They are an inseparable pair and they compliment each other well, even though Cream has a bad temper at times. Cream has a big head that bumps into things, but can still run like a track team athlete. Cream operates machines and this allows both Cookie and Cream to move forward. They run around an collect game items together. Sometimes things get confusing and they hit roadblocks and get stuck, but they both know they can't do it alone. They are in it together and work best in tandem.

[J T]

Because Ack's retro game spirit animal (Zork) is a broad conceptual idea rather than a specific creature or person, it is allowed to have a familiar. Ack's familiar is the Toilet Kid.



Ack's familiar appears throughout the year, but it is most visible during the month of October while Ack is watching a pile of horrible budget horror movies. Toilet Kids is an obscure, low quality game for the PC-Engine, so the Toilet Kid is attracted to Ack's adventures into obscure, low budget cinema. Toilet Kids is about a kid who gets flushed down the toilet and has to make a fantastical game out of sifting his way through piles of poo, stinky bums, and flying urinals. His journey is similar to Ack's, as Ack sifts through piles of crappy movies trying to find some golden nuggets of redeeming value buried in all the shit piles. They both boldly take their onerous journey armed only with their fortified gag reflexes and adolescent senses of humor.

[Michi]

Does this mean I should make a new avatar for Ack?

[sevin0seven]

does my retro video game spirit animal match my avatar?

[J T]

does my retro video game spirit animal match my avatar?

Probably, but Dhalsim doesn't want to talk about it because he's still pretty mad at Ryu for smashing up his car in the bonus stage.

[J T]

Does this mean I should make a new avatar for Ack?

The monkey is pretty iconic. I wouldn't want to mess with perfection.