What is your retro video game spirit animal?

[fastbilly1]

Ill bite.

[Ack]

Ill bite.

Pfft, easy. It's Boong-Ga Boong-Ga.

[J T]

You got it, I thank you and hope one day to cross paths JT that related to me very much. Perfectly.

Oh good. I was afraid that one would just get a tl;dr response from everyone.

[Exhuminator]

Exhuminator sat naked on a barrel in a dark room, his only clothing a red tie hanging from his neck. He grunted like a monkey, meditatively, with a serious expression, eyes closed, ever focusing inward on his own apish existence. Around him lay a circle of bananas, touching tip to tip, forming a yellow circle like a soft caution snake. Across the room was a haphazard pile of Lincoln logs, painted red, where Ex had tried but failed miserably to build a rickety structure to place his Pauline amiibo on. For hours, Exhuminator had tried desperately to realize his inner Donkey Kong. To find the truth of the vision. Sweat poured down his brow, as Ex grunted ever harder. Suddenly he began to quiver, his strenuous concentration so much so that his body was vibrating violently. And then with a mighty crash, Exhuminator fell off his barrel, landing ass first on a banana. The creamy insides oozed up his fanny as Exhuminator yanked the red tie off his neck.

"Fuck this! I don't even like Donkey Kong! Even when I was a kid I hated that game!"

The next day, Exhuminator caught a flight to India. Seeking Dhalsim himself, Ex was bound and determined to get a reevaluation of his retro video game spirit animal. After a bout of diarrhea brought on by questionable curry, a taxi that smelled like a randy goat, and a rickshaw ride through desolate countryside, Ex finally found Dhalsim. The man sat meditating, upon an elephant, who was also mediating.

"Dhalsim! Listen, sorry to bother you but-"

"I know why you are here." Dhalsim said, without opening his eyes. "Your deep seated narcissism refuses to accept your chosen RVGSA™." He cracked one eye. "So you've come here to beg that I, Dhalsim, extend an act of kindness so great as to recreate your own very existence."

"No Dhalsim, actually I came here to warn you not to eat at the Spicy Chakra. That place gave me the volcano shits. I'm talking about you'll be dipping your underwear in aloe vera and giving yourself a wedgie, that kind of-"

"Please stop talking with that irritating western mouth of yours." Dhalsim was suddenly a hundred feet in the air. The elephant had stretched its trunk far above its body, and Dhalsim stood perfectly perched upon its elongated trunk. Apparently the elephant had learned the art of yoga stretch from the old master, or perhaps its was the other way around. "Now be quiet and look."

Exhuminator looked into Dhalsim's face, small as it was so high in the air. As Ex stared, it seemed his sight became like tunnel vision, until only Dhalsim's face remained clear. And then, a blinding purple light appeared on Dhalsim's forehead. His third eye had opened! Exhuminator's vision became so filled with the blinding light, that Ex could see nothing else. Just a phantasm of violet light, swirling and undulating into itself. Time seemed to cease to exist. All that is, was, and ever will be had become one once more. Somewhere a petunia fell through the sky, it's only thought being; "I hope I don't land in whale guts."

And then, darkness. But a feeling. A feeling of a rough leathery grip as Exhuminator closed his hand. Hard pointy claws hit his palm. Ex reached his other hand up to his head, and felt scaly hard skin. His nostrils began to smell the putrid stench of noxious sulfur. And suddenly his vision was clear once more, indeed, Exhuminator stood upon an ancient ruin, with an expanse of a decayed village all around.

"What the hell is going-" but before Ex could finish his sentence, he accidentally bit his forked tongue badly with very sharp teeth. "Owww!" Exhum yelped and a small ball of flame shot out from between his rather pronounced canines.

Instantly, a far away pillar of light appeared in front of Exhuminator. He heard someone say; "Yoga flier!" And the light rushed forward instantly, and there stood Dhalsim, looking grim as ever. "How are you enjoying your true form?"

"I. Think. I'm. A. Dragon?" Ex said slowly, trying not to burn his tongue with his own breath.

"Ha ha, no. Not a dragon." Dhalsim smiled widely, stretching his mouth further than any normal human could. "A demon." Ex recoiled. "Yes, unenlightened one, a demon. But not just any demon. A rather conflicted demon. Sometimes evil, sometimes good, but always seeking your own gain even through apparent benevolence."

"You sure I'm not a dragon?" Exhuminator seized and released his shoulder muscles, instinctively flapping large reptile wings. "Singe from Dragon's Lair? Bub from Bubble Bobble? Sara from Penta Dragon?" Ex reached behind himself to look for a tail, there wasn't one.

"No, none of that. You are something far more deranged and unholy. You are truly Firebrand, a demon, also known as a Red Arremer. That is your actual retro gaming spirit animal, the core of your being, that you do not show to others clearly. Instead, malformed manifestations of your internal characteristics boil to the surface, and it is these false pretenses which cause others to see you as Donkey Kong, or Bowser, or Wario even. But the true you, the real Exhuminator, is indeed Firebrand. The savior demon of the Ghoul Realm."



Exhuminator counted his lack of five fingers on his left... hand? Hand perhaps. "Dhalsim, I mean... I think I'm okay with this. Although, it makes me out to be more of a bad guy then I think I am. I'm definitely going to need some explaining on this one. But hell, I'll take anything over being Derpy Dong."

Dhalsim held his hands in front of his face. Then pointed all his fingers towards Exhuminator's nostrils. Suddenly two of Dhalsim's toenails stretched and flung themselves into the upper eyelids of Ex's eyes. The pressure held his serpent-like eyes wide open, whether Ex liked it or not.

"Oh, I will explain to you what you seek. Although you may not like the answer. You will probably wish you'd stayed content with being known as Donkey Kong. Are you so desperate to die the truth rather than live a lie?"

Dhalsim opened his mouth. It kept yawning wider and wider, like a deranged basket star gaping for late night ocean detritus. Ex could see Dhalsim's uvula dangling. He stared at it intently, wondering if there too was embedded a glowing chakra. The uvula began to take shape, molding itself into a human like figure. Half expecting a homunculus to burst forth from Dhalsim's throat, Ex felt fire starting to gargle within his own. But instead, Dhalsim's uvula took a different shape... indeed, it was a perfect replica of Dhalsim himself. It fell free from Dhalsim's throat, landing on his tongue. The little mini-Dhalsim began to dance and chant amidst a pool of saliva.



"Yoga! Yoga! Yoga! Yoga! Yoga!" The mini me Dhalsim repeated, putting Exhuminator into a trance as he listened to its squeaky voice. And once more Ex's vision faded into darkness. He let his consciousness recoil like a mind slinky bouncing down a synapse staircase into cranial oblivion. A booming voice sounded, it came from everywhere and nowhere.

"And now child, you are deep enough within yourself to find out why you are indeed Firebrand."

[Sarge]

Hmm. Interesting.

[J T]

"Yoga! Yoga! Yoga! Yoga! Yoga!" The mini me Dhalsim repeated, putting Exhuminator into a trance as he listened to its squeaky voice.

That wasn't a mini Dhalsim. Your kid was playing tricks on you again.

[J T]

What say you, JT and Dhalsim? What is my retro video game spirit animal?

"Hey Dhalsim, Blu is up next on the schedule. Shall we meditate to find his retro gaming spirit animal?"

"No. I need you to clean my car. It got buried in dirt after we went to The Other Side." he said this so matter of factly, it wasn't until I was elbow deep in a soapy bucket that I finally realized he never even asked me nicely or said please, he just nonchalantly commanded me to wash his car. And I did it like a sucker. There was so much caked on dirt! And then the scorch marks from Ryu's hadoukens took forever to clean off!

"Well, that took an hour and a half out of my day." I said in grumpy irritation. "Can we meditate on Blu now?"

"No. Exhuminator broke the joystick on my Donkey Kong cabinet and I need you to fix it because I don't know how."

"Fine, but I warned you not to try to make a monkey out of that guy. You play with Firebrand and you get burned!" I grabbed my tools and headed into the game room, but was immediately taken aback by the acrid odors of rotten banana, sweat, ass crack, and sulphur. "Great Kong Almight!" I gagged on the words as I rushed to bury my nose in my sleeve. "What on earth did Exhuminator do in here!" The controls were badly damaged, and I cursed Dhalsim for never learning how to use a soldering iron so he could do this himself. It felt like it took an eternity to fix the aftermath of Exhuminator's stinky temper tantrum.

"I hope the benefits of his self-reclamation were worth the costs to my poor abused nostrils!" I said with an accusatory snarl directed at Dhalsim. "Are you ready to meditate on Blu yet?"

"No. We'll never find his retro gaming spirit animal on an empty stomach. Go make us some of your wonderful tikka masala and basmati rice."

"Have you been watching the Karate Kid? I feel like you're trying to play some Mr. Miyagi tricks on me to get me to do all of your work for you."

"In Japan, the zen masters call that Samu!" he said with a wave of his hand.

"Yeah, well in America we call what you're doing free loading." I scoffed as I diced the onions and threw them into a crackling puddle of oil in the skillet. I added paneer, bell peppers, and cauliflower. My nose was reinvigorated with the aromas of cardamom, turmeric, cloves, and bay leaves now floating through the air. As we ate, my temper simmered down.

Dhalsim yawned. "YAhhwwwwn. Mmm. Great dinner JT. Now go do the dishes. I need to go to bed."

"What!?" Suddenly my temper flared back to a boil. "I've been working all day! It's your turn. And I want to sleep too, but we need to meditate on Blu!"

"Exactly! I don't know how you work all day and yet still miss the point! You keep wanting to get in this quiet meditative space, as if the path to enlightenment didn't involve your daily activities! What is the point of being enlightened if all you do with it is sit around all day? Now, go clean the dishes, but absolutely do not clean them in order to get them clean. Clean them to simply be involved in the act of cleaning. Clean them because that is simply what. you. do. Meanwhile, I am going to bed."

Dhalsim wandered off to sleep, leaving me standing over the sink with a plate and sponge in my hands and anger in my heart. I couldn't believe he stuck me with all the chores and I grabbed a scouring pad to take my rage out on the nearest frying pan, nearly tearing the teflon off. Then I remembered his advice to not clean the dishes in order to clean the dishes. I calmed myself and became mindful of my movements. They became rhythmic and playful. I was aware of the musical quality of splashes of water against scrubbing, the twinkling play of light bouncing off bubbles and sloshing liquid, the unintentional dance of my scrubbing hands. I forgot my irritation with Dhalsim and my worries about finding Blu's retro game spirit animal, and I was just completely submerged in the dishwahing. I was content in that moment. Happy, even. I was involved in what I was doing and it didn't matter that it was a pedestrian activity, I was still awake and present, flowing in my true nature with a feeling that usually only lasted for a few fleeting seconds in a typical sitting meditation. Then, in the rainbow slick of cooking oil and sudsy water, emerged Blu's retro game spirit animal. "Samu." I whispered to myself in awe.

Blu, your retro gaming spirit animal is Forklift #5 from Shenmue!



Blu is a patient soul who doesn't mind slowing down to appreciate the more mundane aspects of the open world we live in. There is gameplay to be had even in the daily routine of going to work and moving crates around, you just need Blu's mindset that there are no ordinary moments when you are awake to what is right in front of you. That elusive obviousness of true spiritual living.

Forklift #5 is a strong military grade machine. It's found in the city, but it really loves to be out in nature, preferably near a harbor somewhere. Forklift #5 understands that hard work builds character. It knows how to keep things organized and put everything in its right place. Don't think he has no sense of adventure though, because when #5 finishes his work and lets lose in a race, #5 comes in #1!

Most importantly though, if you've ever been feeling down, and posting about your problems on the racketboy forums, you can be sure that Blu will be there with a sympathetic ear and an encouraging word to forklift your spirits out of the dumps. As can be seen in political threads, Blu has a great sense for justice, so if a dear friend like Ryo Hazuki needs to make some extra money in his quest to avenge his father's unjust death, then Blu #5 is there to work side-by-side in getting his friend through the dirty work that others are unwilling to help with. Nevertheless, it is recommended that you do not operate Blu while intoxicated.

[Blu]

JT, You are spot on. I loved every word of this. The buildup from the mundane tasks you were asked to do. You definitely have a knack for a strong narrative. Only to find out I am the iconic Forklift 5! I love seeing the purpose in work, I love adventure! I definitely love adventure. And strangely (perhaps not) I really enjoyed the forklift work-days in Shenmue. I definitely love that anthropomorphized forklift. Thank you JT!

[TEKTORO]

I can see JT being a celebrity Video Gamer Psychiatrist, damn that would be such a niche profession. Lol

[Forlorn Drifter]

I can see JT being a celebrity Video Gamer Psychiatrist, damn that would be such a niche profession. Lol

I feel like it would take off much more than any of us expected.

Hey, he might even get a monthly blog post on Kotaku! /end snark