RPG Progress Report

[MrPopo]

And with that, our brief intro concludes. Tune in next time to find out: just whose blood is that crusted on Ack's armor? Will Bone unlock the secrets of the mysterious moon language of his ancient god? Will Exhum finally make it with the half-orc woman of his dreams? Will Noise ever be useful?

Find out next time on EYE OF THE BEHOLDER II: THE LEGEND OF DARKMOON!

I read this in the voice of the dub announcer for DBZ.

[Exhuminator]

Guess how much progress I've made in Dragon Quest IX and The 7th Saga this week?

Zilch. That's what.

I've been so busy packing up house that I have not played any games at all in about a week.

Shit sucks yo. I'm grumpy. Straight up getting the shakes over here.

Good news is, tomorrow is official moving day. Just got to drive this stuff 3.5 hours north and unload it in the new house. After that, we can take as long as we want to unpack and sort stuff into the new place. Which means I can actually have time to GAME AGAIN.

Seriously, all packing and no gaming makes Exhuminator a psychotic bastard.

[Xeogred]

I tend to read at least something once a day in that voice.

[laurenhiya21]

Good news is, tomorrow is official moving day.

Good luck with your move! I've moved waaaaay too many times, so I know how not fun they can be.

[Sarge]

Good luck, Exhum. When you get it all set up, it'll totally be worth the wait.

[Ack]

Eye of the Beholder II

When we last left off, Ack, Bone, Exhum, and Noise were sitting inside the lobby of a large temple with a couple of wickedly grinning clerics. Time for today's episode:

A CRIMSON TOILET! Or, THE PORCELAIN THRONE OF PAIN

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As soon as we return, Ack decides to find the bathroom. "It's gotta be in the back, right?"

He stepped forward to the gate to the rear, when the grinning clerics' demeanor suddenly changed. "No! No one is allowed back in our private chambers," they howled.

"Shut it. The man's gotta take a leak," Exhum replied.

Apparently they didn't like that response, as the clerics suddenly readied their weapons. Before they could take a swing however, Bone and Ack threw themselves at the pair. "Bite the curb! Bite the damn curb!" After a vicious beat down, Bone and Ack curb stomped the two evil clerics in the name of justice and hospitality etiquette concerning bathroom use. And with that, the four marched into the depths to seek the lavatory.

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A quick search of the first dungeon floor revealed nothing, though there were locked corridors off to the side. "Who locks up a bathroom?" Bone questioned.

"I do," replied Noise. "I'm scared of people going in there and putting plastic wrap on my toilet."

"It's the middle ages, you dummy. We haven't invented plastic wrap yet," Exhum snarled.

Noise nodded for a moment. "Still..."

A pair of guards suddenly arrived. "Hey, you kids can't be back-" He didn't even finish his sentence before Bone cleaved him in half with his sword. More guards suddenly shuffled out of side rooms in their undergarments.

"Why is everyone in their underwear?" Ack asked.

"Who knows? Kill them all," replied Exhum.

Thus commenced the epic Slaughter of the Loined Guard, the tale of which has been passed down through the ages and helped form the basis for modern American democracy, the details of which are so well known, I will not bother to share them here. Suffice to say, it was bloody.

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Once finished with murdering dudes in their BVDs, Ack, Bone, Exhum, and Noise found themselves a level lower, wandering through prison cells full of old bones. Soft moans from one cell drew the attention of the prisoners, and they opened the cell to find a starving Dwarf.

"Help," the dwarf moaned. "My name is Shorn, and I am a cleric of the Church of the Stone Hammer. I was-"

"You wanna join?" Exhum asked.

"What? But I didn't even finish my-"

"Yeah, yeah," Bone interjected with a wave of his hand. "You're a cleric, we need a cleric, and the Stone Hammer thing sounds cool enough. You're hired."

"What? No, I-" Shorn did not have time to protest as Ack broke his chains and handed him a weapon.

"Now we have magics!" Ack shouted.

"But what about my magic?" Noise whined.

"Yes, magics. Finally," Exhum and Bone nodded in agreement with Ack.

The five man party sauntered forward, finding a key with a skull and then using it to open a door with a skull. Inside clerics attempted to lay siege to them, but they were bested with a few mighty strokes of beatdown magic circa Ack and Bone's swords while Exhum filled them full of arrows. Noise hid behind Shorn for the whole battle. Once beyond the door, the party found a woman chained up, bloody, nearly naked, and starving.

"Help me," the woman moaned. "I am Calandra, a fighter who-"

"She joins!" Ack shouted.

"Wha-?" And with that, Calandra became the sixth party member and was handed a variety of objects to throw at people from the back where she has to stand next to the perpetually perverse Exhum.

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The party then pushed on, breaking through a series of doors, releasing a thief who tried to join until Exhum gave him the patented Thief Death Stare, until finally coming to a stuck door. Ack put his whole body into lifting it, laughing as he shouted, "This must be the bathroom!" As soon as it was open, he immediately did his business. The horde of undead warriors and clerics inside the room was not amused.

Thus began the Siege of the Urinated Door. Hordes of undead warriors threw themselves at the party and did their best to avoid the puddle on the floor as Ack and Bone cleaved through bone, Exhum peppered arrows through empty rib cages, Calandra hurled spears, knives, and darts until her hands were empty, Shorn attempted to turn as many undead as he could and keep the party upright, and Noise waved about a pathetic little wand like a feather duster to make things explode. Hours passed as the merciless slaughter continued, until the floor was strewn with the bones of long dead warriors, their bodies hacked and blown to bits. Noise's wand failed him, and his spellbook ran empty. Calandra threw until there was nothing left to throw. Exhum's quiver ran dry. Shorn healed all he could. Still Ack and Bone screamed war cries of horror and vicious cruelty until their throats were sore and their voices ragged. And when the dust of battle cleared, the party stood victorious.

"Well, that was fun," Exhum declared as he plucked his arrows from the rotted carcasses of the twice dead.

"Don't worry," Ack said as he pointed his sword off into the darkened distant corner of the room. "There are more." A fresh legion suddenly stepped out of the shadows and marched forward. The party members gathered their weapons and prepared for a second wave.

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Will our intrepid band of heroes survive the endless slaughter? Will the clerics of Darkmoon finally understand the need for public restrooms? Will someone please tell the guards to wear pajamas when they sleep? Please? Anyone?

Find out next time on EYE OF THE BEHOLDER II: THE LEGEND OF DARKMOON.

[noiseredux]

Noise's wand failed him,

probably just too much to drink...

[Exhuminator]

"Who knows? Kill them all," replied Exhum.

That's exactly what I would have said if we were playing D&D.

[MrPopo]

So I've been exploring in Might and Magic II, got two hirelings, have mapped all the towns and most of the town dungeons and started on the overworld. Then I discovered the circus, and now my stats are 100 in everything, permanently. Time to start running around in earnest, slaying the foes I meet.

[Ack]

Eye of the Beholder II

Last time on Eye of the Beholder II, Ack, Bone, Exum, and Noise found themselves joined by the cleric Shorn and the fighter Calandra. But trouble struck in the form of an undead horde. Time for Today's Episode:

BEAT DOWN IN SLEEPY TOWN! Or, NO REST FOR THE WAR-RY

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As we return, Ack, Bone, Exhum, Noise, and the two NPCs wage deadly combat against the remains of the undead horde. The dead's bones scattered, our intrepid heroes reequipped their gear, rested their tired limbs and minds, and searched the room.

"I found a horn!" Ack shouted.

"I found an ax!" Bone shouted.

"That ax is literally named 'Bait.' Maybe we shouldn't bother with-" Shorn tried to say before he was cut off by the savage crowd.

"MINE, MINE MINE!" Ack, Bone, and Exhum shouted in unison and frantically tried to grab the weapon from each other.

"Oh, for the love of..." Calandra quickly snatched the ax out of Bone's meaty hand and snapped it over her knee. "Come on, guys, it was a crap ax. You're already holding better weapons to kill things with."

Ack fell to his knees in despair. "But we could have had MORE weapons to kill things with! We could have killed in new and unusual ways!"

Exhum quietly walked over to Ack and put a reassuring hand on his shoulder, while Bone glared angrily at Calandra. "Do you see how heartbroken you've made him? For shame, lady."

Shorn rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Right, right, but where do we go now? This room is done."

With a quick glance around, Noise raised a quivering finger. "How about back upstairs and out of this scary hole?"

"Yes, that's a great idea!" Ack suddenly leapt to his feet, the broken ax already forgotten. "I'm sure I saw stairs going up. I bet there are more clerics to kill!"

"That isn't what I meant," Noise mumbled as he fell in while Ack, Bone, and Exhum cheerfully swung their weapons in the air like a parade and marched towards the stairs upward. Shorn and Calandra shrugged and followed.

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Upstairs, our band of heroes discovered a barracks presided over by a snooty cleric. "I am the master of this barracks floor, and no one but us Darkmoon clerics has the right to enter here," he said with a frown.

"I turn him," Bone declared.

"What?" The cleric raised an eyebrow. "You can only turn undead. I'm not-"

"TURN, BITCH!" Bone bellowed as he smacked the cleric across the face with a copy of Ys I for the Sega Master System. The cleric spun and fell backwards, leaving Bone to pose triumphantly over his felled foe. "I have turned him." The rest of the party applauded appreciatively.

From down the hall, a cry run out. Clerics suddenly streamed out of bed chambers, flails at the ready, starting to whisper their unholy magics. Before they could fire a spell, arrows flew from Exhum's bow. Ack piledrived the nearest cleric, while Bone began hacking at his foes repeatedly with the game cartridge. Calandra hurled her spear with great strength, pinning a cleric to the wall.

Shorn watched, his hands at the ready to heal, until hearing a pop and fizz behind him. He looked over to see Noise drinking a beer. "What? I don't fight, so when they get excited, I like to sit back and relax a little. There is zero chance we'll have anything to do." Noise held up another beer and passed it to Shorn, who glanced back at the bloody combat and then opened his can and took a seat.

After a few brilliant moments of sheer violence, the bloody dust settled, leaving only our heroes and a pile of corpses at their feet. "Now we explore," Ack demanded.

Exhum looked up from a nearby lock. "Way ahead of you. In all this combat, I also went ahead and picked all of the room locks. Except for one..."

The heroes gathered up to see the lock that had stopped Exhum, only to discover it wasn't a lock but a magical mouth stuck on a door. "Password, please," the mouth requested.

"Uh...violence?" Ack asked.

"FM Towns?" Bone questioned.

"Naughty bits?" Exhum pondered.

"Fear sweats?" Noise wondered.

"Nope," the mouth replied. "Not the password."

"And that is why I can't pick this lock," Exhum said with a sigh. "I've tried every slang term for genitals I know, and none of them have worked. I mean, who doesn't use 'tallywacker' for a password? I certainly don't want to know anyone who doesn't."

Noise again raised a quivering finger. "We're stuck. Why don't we go back downstairs and leave?"

"Yes! BACK TO THE DUNGEON!" Ack bellowed.

"No, I meant we leave," Noise sighed. "Fine, back to the dungeon."

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Soon the party found itself deep down in the dungeon, looking at locked doors. "We have the keys," Ack shouted as he stabbed the locks violently to open them. The party explored for a moment and discovered several notes on the ground.

"Hmm, secret passages must be around," Bone stated. "Otherwise why would the devs have left these notes around here."

"I MUST BEST THE SECRET PASSAGE!" Ack roared and hit the wall with his sword.

"Oh, for the love of God, that will never work," Calandra said with a groan. And then the wall crumbled, revealing a set of stairs down.

"I HAVE KILLED THE SECRET PASSAGE!" Ack howled with triumph.

"I can't. I mean, I just can't," Calandra shook her head.

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On the next floor, the door closed behind the party. Suddenly margoyles and gelatinous cubes swarmed forward. "Be careful, everyone," Shorn said. "We're not able to rest on this floor."

"We rest through violence!" Exhum cried as he headbutted a gelatinous cube, causing it to spray apart in a way completely unexplained by physics.

"VIOLENCE!" Ack and Bone shoulder-checked a stone margoyle between them.

"Fear!" Noise cried as he whimpered in a corner. "Why did I let you talk me down here?"

The party boldly rushed forward, headed up by the lawnmower of Ack and Bone's swinging blades. Stone bits and acidic goop flew in a gory spray before them as beasts with no vocal chords found new ways to howl in pain and terror. Soon the halls were awash in what could only have been the vital internal fluids of these strange creatures, but still the party pushed onward, down another flight of stairs.

Down here, giant ants streamed forward in an endless army. The strewn remains of dozens of deceased adventurers bodies lay intermingled across the floor. The party stood within the ants' hive, and their pheromone trails were thick with fury. "Ugh, it smells like Exhum's bedroom," Bone complained.

"Damn straight!" Exhum inhaled deeply. "Just like home."

Ack punched a giant ant in the face. "Who cares, it all still dies!"

Again the party surged forward, while Noise checked over the various remains of long dead adventurers. After searching the room and scavenging a couple of pieces of equipment and a third horn, the party moved back up to the level of margoyles and cubes, finding them taking a breather from the carnage of the previous hour despite the fact that none of these creatures breath. "Not again," one of them chittered in their strange language before taking Ack's boot to the face.

After another few minutes of slaughter, the party found a fourth horn and a passageway out of the subterranean lair. "I guess we're going back up," Shorn said wearily.

"Finally," Noise groaned.

"Damn, and I was just getting warmed up," Ack declared as he and Bone stood posing and flexing in the passageway. "But what now?"

"Well, we have these horns, and I think I saw a door or something back in the lobby that looked like wind or something," Exhum replied. "How about we go back upstairs and form a little band? Maybe we'll get that stupid password for it or something."

"Great idea!" Bone exuberantly declared with a hearty laugh. "Onward!"

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The party soon found itself standing in front of a strange mural of wind. The four horns stood in a pile before them. "Ok," Calandra said, "four of us have to play a horn. I will take one, and Shorn will take one."

"Got it," Shorn nodded.

"Next up...Noise."

Noise turned pale. "But I don't know how to play a horn. What if it tastes bad? What if I screw it up?"

"Oh, for goodness sake, you blow into it," Calandra spat back. "Now...how about you, Exhum? Think you can handle it?"

"Of course," Exhum replied. "I spent years learning to play the horn."

"Really?" Calandra raised an eyebrow in surprise.

"Yes. It took that long to discover the secrets of the brown note."

Calandra groaned into her hands and then passed out the horns accordingly. "Let's just get this over with."

The party held up the four horns and blew into them, creating a cacophony of sound which caused the building to shudder. The strange door fell away, revealing a stairway into one of the three towers of Darkmoon.

"And now for the brown note!" Exhum declared with a grin.

"No, don't!" The group raised their arms and dove towards Exhum as he brought the horn to his lips.

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What will happen in the first tower of Darkmoon? Will our heroes ever find the magic mouth's password? Will the lone surviving margoyle and gelatinous cube move in to a small two-bedroom apartment together and serve as the basis for a popular Tuesday night sitcom?


Find out next time on EYE OF THE BEHOLDER II: THE LEGEND OF DARKMOON.