Warlock: Armageddon 
I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to watch this movie this year or not. I popped the movie into the VHS player and was greeted with no sound and a half scrambled image. Nooooooo! Thankfully there are about 15 minutes of previews on the tape and everything cleared up well before the movie started. Whew. Me thinks it’s time to clean the tape player (and if it wasn’t before, it is now thanks to that evil-ass tape.)
Armageddon plays out very similar to the first
Warlock: Satan’s son wanders about the US collecting magical stones that will allow Satan to destroy the earth. Except this time the Warlock really is the son of Satan, not just some random slub that’s promised the part if he can piece a book back together.
The heroes of this tale are a group of Druids who, according to the films opening, are tasked with stopping Satan and his son’s return to earth. Why God would choose Druids as his chosen warriors in the eternal fight to prevent Satan’s return is not explained.
He must have been drawn to their kick-ass fashion sensibilities.Unfortunately they muck it up and the six stones that can either contain the evil or release it are scattered. Cut to 600-some-odd years later and Satan has chosen another baby momma.
As you can imagine, she was not informed of this decision beforehand.In a very disturbing sequence she swiftly and violently gives birth to her gelatinous goo baby
Ewww.Who quickly forms into a full-grown Julian Sands. This is also the only instance of nudity in the film. So for those of you reading along, know that you’ll be evilly blessed by a full frontal of Sands chasing his new mommy down the hall. And for those who choose not to read along…Surprise!
The Warlock then goes all “Wishmaster” on us and starts tracking down the six magic stones that will release Satan upon the earth. But the remaining Druids are privy to his awakening and send their most mightiest warriors to do battle with-
Oh for f*#@s sake. Just give him the stones and save us the embarrassment of watching the two
of you fight. Armageddon is much more violent than it’s predecessor, with a lot more focus on the Warlock tricking people. So, unlike the first film, this one does not spare on the gore.
As for the special effects themselves, once again I found they were a bit hit and miss. The practical, physical effects look quite nice…
Though I question how he’d know what a Picasso is, just being born the day before and all.
Perhaps there are a lot of abstract artist in Hell?
I was very happy to see the flying parts fare much better…
And even some of the CGI looked pretty cool
Rave Satan? Sweet.Unfortunately, this good is tugged down by some very outdated effects. In order to fight the son of Satan, the young Druid warriors have to hone what amounts to grab bag of telekinetic powers. Of course, to do this they have to be trained, which leads to a clichéd training montage that for some reason can only be accomplished with a flying baseball.
Said Baseball does not look good in motion. Do not let this screencap fool you.And of course these particular effects are quite noticeable and stand out like a sore thumb during much of the rest of the film. But hey, they were typical early 90’s effects, so what are you gonna do?
Overall I was pretty pleased with
Warlock: Armageddon. Most of the effects were good and the deaths and tricks were entertaining. The plot did meander a bit and slow down when the film shifted focus to the heroes, but lets be honest, the only real focus in a movie like this is the bad guy, and Julian Sands plays a perfect bad guy. Calm, classy, and evil to the core. He alone gets a satanic thumbs-up.
Moral: Being Satan’s baby momma comes with no perks.
None. Do not volunteer.
