What Made you Smile/What Ticked you off Today?

[pierrot]

I'm starting to get super stressed about graduating. Mostly a good thing, and no more school (yay!) but it means I'll probably never see any of the friends I've made her ever again (boo). The idea that I have to go somewhere else, possibly with absolutely no connections scares the crap out of me. And while at least one of these folks swears up and down they'll stay in contact, I doubt it, since her boyfriend hates her hanging with me. One of the others I really like to hang with, but since she wants to leave the state that's about the end of that relationship.

Think I'm hitting the same wall with the new therapist I hit with the first one- I just don't know how to change, refuse to take mess, and can't get into the mindset I need to deal with things. I hate this, because this one problem is the thing keeping from being... I don't know, averagely content? The therapist tried comparing it to other things in my life, but the key difference is that with all the other things, I succeeded in the first 5 or so tries, and I just don't ever see myself "winning" at my issue. I'm stuck in the same place I started (despite about how good I felt with this therapist before), and it just pisses me off. Which doesn't help, as I'm just getting pushed at myself for being such a useless ass.

Are these two posts related at all? I remember finishing college, and going through the fundamental shift in my relationships with a few people who meant nearly the world to me for a time. Eventually distance took its toll. It's something I'm somewhat numb to from moving so much as a kid. Anyway, I'm hopeful that you're not dealing with a bout of depression that this could exacerbate, but I'm going to say it because it could be helpful to understand sooner rather than later: If you really want to maintain relationships as you all start the rest of your lives, it will take a lot of work. Unless, magically, you meet people who are willing to do all of the work for the both of you, all of the time; If you really want to keep a relationship strong, it will probably mean approaching it as if you are willing to do all of the work for both of you--all of the time. In some cases that still might not be enough. You can't force a space for yourself in someone else's life, but you can leave the door open to someone else by putting in the effort to maintain communication. I'm not saying to go wild; Obviously you don't need to stalk people, but you would need to regularly go out of your way to make time for them, and to keep the lines of communication open.

I don't mean to lecture. You may already know all of this, and I'm preaching to the choir. I just remember that when I was in your situation, I was a bit ignorant of some of it. I also identify a bit with your unwillingness to change, but to that I ask: Do you feel lonely when you're alone, or do you feel something of an obligation to feel lonely when you're alone? I don't mean to condemn you either way. I just know that, while some people are happiest when they're constantly surrounded by others, I'm not. It can be a bit of a shallow sense of happiness, for me. So, I strive for contentment, instead, but I don't think it's the right attitude to place any responsibility on others for my happiness--or contentment.

If those two posts aren't related at all, then a lot of what I typed was kind of meaningless, and I'll go bow my head in shame for it.

[marurun]

Depression can absolutely kill, and if you start with low doses of common SSRIs the side effects are minimal. The thing is, depression colors everything you do when you are depressed, so why not attempt to ensure you are in a better place to appreciate the life you are living now? Try adding magnesium (no more than 250mg a day). Depression is associated with low magnesium.

[Forlorn Drifter]

@pierrot,
They are kinda related but not really. It's complicated.

@marurun,
It's anxiety, not depression. Either way, I'm not going to die over it.

[pierrot]

@pierrot,
They are kinda related but not really. It's complicated.

@marurun,
It's anxiety, not depression. Either way, I'm not going to die over it.

Ah, well--. Sorry to reach for connections, then. I was at least hoping to make sure your posts didn't appear to go mostly unnoticed, if you're having a hard time.

Completely serious question, though: Have you tried yoga, or tai chi (really any martial arts) for dealing with anxiety? I'd prefer that route to meds, anyway. I'm not an overly anxious person, personally, but I find it pretty difficult to be anxious at all when practicing those--even more so with yoga, but I acknowledge that a lot of men have a tough time with the idea of trying it. I guess a lot of people are really into running, but I find that gives me a little too much time to think, and I don't like the thought of what the repetitive impact stress could do for my old age.

[Forlorn Drifter]

It's mostly social anxiety. I guess those could help, but I imagine I would twist it to fit with all the examples of things I already do that the therapist went over, in that it's different because I know I could achieve it, or at least see constant growth. You can't do that with my issues.

[pierrot]

Ah, yeah. Social anxiety is a bit of a different animal than what I was thinking. I don't deal with anxiety from it, but I understand some of those struggles. That unwillingness to change bit is pretty key, but in my case it can feel a bit like working up the courage to take the first step off a cliff. Of course, in reality, it's not nearly equivalent, and it gets a lot less terrifying with practice. I don't know what meds can really do for social anxiety--is it just normal anxiety medication, or some combination with anti-depressants?--but maybe it would be good to actually consider for getting over those initial mental hurdles, if you find the anxiety to be debilitating. Maybe you wouldn't need them indefinitely.

[marurun]

My apologies for the assumption. I take an antidepressant for anxiety. But rather than acute or situational anxiety, I just have general anxiety that puts me constantly under heightened stress. Anxiety sucks, but my comments about medicine still apply. If anxiety adds stress to your life it degrades your overall quality of life probably worse than a few side effects.

[REPO Man]

/ Got taken off the schedule because the business at the restaurant is "too slow". And right now, they're just sticking with two people in the kitchen each shift, and since I'm just the dishwasher I'm not considered important enough. So now I have to wait until business picks up.

I fucking hate living on the Outer Banks.

[isiolia]

That sucks. OBX certainly would be a seasonal type area for work though. Have you tried businesses that would have more consistent demand? Doing (or selling supplies for) construction/painting/etc for instance, where even the off-season would have people working on vacation properties, just as an example. Just comes to mind as my brother used to work for Sherwin Williams, and one of the locations he was at was in a similarly seasonal area.

[REPO Man]

The job market here sucks. A huge number of businesses are restaurants (I'd guess there's 2-3 dozen, spread between the seven villages), and then there's the recreational businesses (we're big with windsurfing tourists), tackle and bait shops (probably about 2-3 per village), one major grocery chain (Food Lion), and so on. And all but a handful of businesses are open year round. I mean, before the local movie theater closed its doors forever, they spent the previous 2-4 years only open in the summer.

At least in NYC, there's year-round tourism AND high enough demand from those that live in the area year-round to give businesses a reason to NOT close up shop in the fall and winter.

AND... up there the minimum wage is $12/hr for places with 10 or fewer employees and $13.50/hr if they have more than 10 employees. And those figures are apparently gonna get raised to $13.50 and $15 respectively on December 31st!

And I did the math. I read that 30% would be taken out for taxes, and that ends up being at least over $1300 a month working 40 hours a week! And I've been looking for rooms for rent no more than $700 a month. I'd still work two jobs, though. I'd shoot for around 50 hours a week (which would end up being the better part of $1700!).