What Made you Smile/What Ticked you off Today?

[AppleQueso]

It can't be an accept or goodbye scenario

I don't really see any other way. I've seen parents attempt to do 'compromises' where they insist that their child present as their birth-assigned gender around them, or say things like "we aren't going to use your chosen name/we aren't going to use your pronouns/etc." Usually this winds up going badly, of course, because it's not actually a solution to anything.

"We accept what you're doing so long as you allow us to pretend like you're not doing this" isn't "accepting" or "understanding" at all, it's keeping up appearances, it's indicative of parents who care more about not looking "bad" in front of their neighbors and friends than they do about the well being of their child.

I don't think that's at all acceptable.

If Victoria wants to try and reach out to her family down the line, that's her choice. She shouldn't be pressured to do it though.

I've seen it end tragically way too often however to suggest she just try harder to explain herself. All the explaining in the world want to anything for people who've shown they clearly don't WANT to understand.

I don't mean to come across as argumentative, but this is something I'm passionate about. Nearly every trans person I know who's been estranged from their family would be ecstatic to have their family reach out and say "hey, we love you, please help us understand." All too often it's the family that cuts off contact, it's the family that refuses to listen, it's the family that decides that the conversation is over.

I've just seen this happen a lot, and I hate it, and while I know you're well meaning, seeing someone say "well maybe you should try harder" just kinda peeves me. .

[MrPopo]

"We accept what you're doing so long as you allow us to pretend like you're not doing this" isn't "accepting" or "understanding" at all, it's keeping up appearances, it's indicative of parents who care more about not looking "bad" in front of their neighbors and friends than they do about the well being of their child.

I don't think that's at all acceptable.

This, right here. "You shall not challenge my worldview" is the message.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: just because you are genetically related to someone doesn't mean you owe them anything if they are making your life suck.

[BogusMeatFactory]

It can't be an accept or goodbye scenario

I don't really see any other way. I've seen parents attempt to do 'compromises' where they insist that their child present as their birth-assigned gender around them, or say things like "we aren't going to use your chosen name/we aren't going to use your pronouns/etc." Usually this winds up going badly, of course, because it's not actually a solution to anything.

"We accept what you're doing so long as you allow us to pretend like you're not doing this" isn't "accepting" or "understanding" at all, it's keeping up appearances, it's indicative of parents who care more about not looking "bad" in front of their neighbors and friends than they do about the well being of their child.

I don't think that's at all acceptable.

If Victoria wants to try and reach out to her family down the line, that's her choice. She shouldn't be pressured to do it though.

I've seen it end tragically way too often however to suggest she just try harder to explain herself. All the explaining in the world want to anything for people who've shown they clearly don't WANT to understand.

I don't mean to come across as argumentative, but this is something I'm passionate about. Nearly every trans person I know who's been estranged from their family would be ecstatic to have their family reach out and say "hey, we love you, please help us understand." All too often it's the family that cuts off contact, it's the family that refuses to listen, it's the family that decides that the conversation is over.

I've just seen this happen a lot, and I hate it, and while I know you're well meaning, seeing someone say "well maybe you should try harder" just kinda peeves me. .

I really do understand and respect your opinion on the situation. I really wasn't trying to say she should compromise with her parents, instead I feel that inclusion is important. To make them be a part of the process and to help humanize the experience. Of course, they have to be willing participants, but that is why communication is key. I am not saying, "try harder," because sometimes persistence, especially when tension is high usually makes things break, but I feel like talking through these things can help. We always like to go off of the initial reaction and be like, "Well there's that!" but time changes things and peoples views change. Like I said, we are all flawed people, but we are always changing. Love takes no effort. If it isn't reciprocated, it is a horrible tragedy and it truly does suck and is heart breaking.

Again... I am an optimist. I live in a world where people just don't understand how their actions affect people and how they easily lose sight of what is important in this world and with love you can actually help them see that.

That is just me and I couldn't possibly prescribe that to everyone as, like I say, everyone is different and I respect that.

I am going to leave that there and hope that if you guys do want to talk about it more, we can talk about it privately. I don't want to drag this out more and cause Vicky any more trauma and I am sorry if I did upset anyone.

[J T]

After she told me that, she went on and on about how everyone will only ever see me as a man no matter what I do, and how I will "always be her son" - calling this out whenever she could. She said I had to "respect her wisdom, since she's older and knows more about the world than me".

I'm an older forum member here, so respect my wisdom: I see you as a woman. Some people never will, but that's certainly not everyone. The world is changing, and though that change towards acceptance is still largely in its infancy, there are at least pockets where you will fit in just fine. We love you here at Racketboy, so don't forget about that. Generally speaking (and there are certainly exceptions) I see a lot of acceptance within academia too, so work hard to get through that college degree because you may find a place there.

You can't always be your mother's son when you've always known that you never fully were. It's a fact that you don't feel right as a male, and she'd have to have incredible powers of denial to fight against that fact always and forever. Nevertheless, facts that don't fit your paradigm are hard to accept. This feels new to them, or like something developing over the last little while, but it doesn't feel that way to you because you've known longer than they have. It's going to be hard as your parents struggle to come to terms with what is happening, and has long been happening. Just know that you have friends who are here for you. You are welcome to contact me privately if you ever need someone to talk to or to troubleshoot how to work through this with your parents.

[AmishSamurai]

I will say Victoria always has my support, and there's no "compromise" in these situations (as someone in a similar, but lesser scenario. But this isn't about me). Any attempts at that are just the parent/family member/partner trying to keep you from being who you are and doing damage control.

Smile: Going to Disney World with friends next week, before Christmas. Also I have a job and money and stuff, hence my absence.

Frown: Holy shit the stress is killing me. I went from "constant background anxiety" to "needing to at least take a day off a week to be functional and barely having enough energy to get out of bed each day"

[noiseredux]

My monster laptop showed up an hour ago, big smile day, never had a dedicated very high end laptop before, and one that's do it yourself where nothing is soldered in and is totally upgrade ready.

Got this http://www.xoticpc.com/sager-np8278s-cl ... -6985.html Change the defaults to have a 16(8x2)GB RAM, GeForece GTX980M 8GB video, 1TB 7200rpm hdd, and a bluray/combo dvdr burner. It has the base CPU but can take something much faster and I could double the ram in time too. Also could take up to I think 3-4 hdd/sdds.

Woah.

[lisalover1]

Thank you all very much for your encouragement and support - it's so nice to know that I have such great friends here at Racketboy. I really do love you all, too. :') I'm going to make it through this just fine - I have a couple different backup plans, and I have more than enough saved up to last me for a good while.

As of now, the plan is to keep my parents in the dark until I can get my car back out to Seattle, as well as some of the more important things that I was keeping at my mom's house and dad's house. After that, I'm going to take some advice AppleQueso & Ack gave me and write a letter to my mom telling her everything. After I send it, I'm going to cut off all communication with her for a while - until I'm ready to talk about it on my terms. I'm going to do everything in my power to try and make her understand at that point if she still can't grasp it. If not, then... well, that's a shame that she would still be that stubborn, but I don't need to put up with it.

[AmishSamurai]

Thank you all very much for your encouragement and support - it's so nice to know that I have such great friends here at Racketboy. I really do love you all, too. :') I'm going to make it through this just fine - I have a couple different backup plans, and I have more than enough saved up to last me for a good while.

As of now, the plan is to keep my parents in the dark until I can get my car back out to Seattle, as well as some of the more important things that I was keeping at my mom's house and dad's house. After that, I'm going to take some advice AppleQueso & Ack gave me and write a letter to my mom telling her everything. After I send it, I'm going to cut off all communication with her for a while - until I'm ready to talk about it on my terms. I'm going to do everything in my power to try and make her understand at that point if she still can't grasp it. If not, then... well, that's a shame that she would still be that stubborn, but I don't need to put up with it.

I think that's the best course of action. She's used to being in control, and is just a controlling person in general, but you need to be able to do things on your own terms. She needs to see you're serious, and it is your life and her choice to be a part of it, not yours to fit her mold of a the perfect child. You're a grown woman, and she needs to see that.

Team Vicky all the way.

[Hobie-wan]

One thing to remember and bring up is that you didn't choose to be the way you are. It just is and took you a while to figure it out. You didn't choose in order to make things harder for yourself or hurt your parents. You've come to accept it and they would do well to do the same.

[REPO Man]

Smile: Going to Disney World with friends next week, before Christmas. Also I have a job and money and stuff, hence my absence.

And by "Disney World" do you mean all four parks or just Magic Kingdom?

Also:

* If you're going to Hollywood Studios, I recommend The Tower of Terror and Rock'n Roller Coaster.
* If you're going to EPCOT and like anime and stuff, check out the department store in the Japan section of the World Showcase. One section sells anime and game merchandise (I even found a few Ultraman and Kamen Rider figures in a display) and there's a section that has all kinds of foodstuffs (tea, candy et cetera). Also, check out Captain EO.

Sadly I never went to the parks enough when I lived down there, even though I could get in for free. Mostly I didn't have a ride there and while I could just take the Lynx bus (taking the 55 and transferring to the 56 which stops near the Monorails that go to Magic Kingdom and EPCOT (I think there's a few others) and buses to other parks), the latter required having the cash for the passes (if I rode the Lynx bus back, then I could rationalize buying an all-day pass for $4.50, which I'd recommend if you plan on riding the Lynx bus more than three times a day).