Anybody got any good (or bad) jokes?

[Luke]

I still listen to that CD when I need a pick me up.

By the way, I Love Beans

[J T]

I have the note taking monkey story memorized by heart.

[molotovwars]

You have to say this one out-loud.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

I eat mop.

I eat mop, who?


So classic.

Spell out I.H.O.P. and add -ness

[Beak]

Spell out I.H.O.P. and add -ness

That's gold!

[spiritplx]

Hmm, I have lots of jokes, but I will share a couple of my favorites...

A guy is speeding down the highway when a cop pulls him over. The cop asks "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?". The man replies, "No officer. Was I speeding?". The cop then asks for his license and registration. "Well, here's my license, but the registration won't do much good", the man says, "this car's stolen." "Excuse me?", asks the cop. "Yeah, it's not mine, but I could look in the glove box for the registration. Although I didn't seem to notice it when I put my gun in there." The officer is a bit taken aback, "Your gun?". The man responds, "Yes, the one I used to shoot the driver of the car. Come to think of it, he probably has his driver's license on him, I can grab it from the trunk if you'd like." "Sir, are you telling me that there is a body in the trunk of this car?"

At this point the officer calls for backup. A few minutes later, a police captain arrives on the scene. "Sir, I am going to have to ask you a few questions, OK?", asks the captain. The man complies, "Yes, officer, not a problem." "I need you to open the trunk, but do it slowly, and make sure you keep you hands where I can see them." The man stays calm, "Not a problem officer." The trunk opens and is completely empty. The captain then asks, "OK, can you open the glove box? Again, do it slowly." The man slowly opens the glove box, then reaches inside to grab the registration. "Hmm, this vehicle appears to be registered to you..." remarks the captain.

"None of this seems to be adding up at all," says the captain. "This officer told me that you had a body in your trunk, a gun in the glove box, and that this car was stolen."

"Oh yeah? And I bet that lying son of <expletive deleted> told you I was speeding too!"

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Alright, this next one is a bit more for technical people (especially Mathematicians and Computer Scientists).

A hotel was hosting a scientific conference for the upcoming week. The first day of the week, a group of biologists were getting together to for their seminar. The night prior, one of the biologists stayed in one of the hotel rooms. In the middle of the night, a fire mysteriously started, which woke the biologist. The biologist immediately ran to grab something to help put out the fire, and then extinguished the fire.

The second day of the conference was for the computer scientists. The night prior to their meeting, a computer scientist stayed in the same room as the biologist had the previous night. Again, during the middle of the night, the room mysteriously caught fire. The computer scientist woke up, and immediately saw the fire. The computer scientist decided he had better determine the most efficient way for solving how he should put the fire out. After going over a number of possibilities in his head, the computer scientist finally came up with the most efficient way to put the fire out, then proceeded to extinguish the fire.

On the third day of the conference, it was the mathematician's turn. The mathematician had stayed in the same hotel room as both the biologist and the computer scientist. In the middle of the night, the room once again caught fire. Being awakened by the heat and the smoke, the mathematician noticed the fire in the room. The mathematician was determined to figure out how to put out the fire. The mathematician thought of various ways that might lead to extinguishing the fire. When the mathematician finally proved that the fire could be put out, he went back to bed.

I love that one because it has such nerdy humor.

[Beak]

Hmm, I have lots of jokes, but I will share a couple of my favorites...

A guy is speeding down the highway when a cop pulls him over. The cop asks "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?". The man replies, "No officer. Was I speeding?". The cop then asks for his license and registration. "Well, here's my license, but the registration won't do much good", the man says, "this car's stolen." "Excuse me?", asks the cop. "Yeah, it's not mine, but I could look in the glove box for the registration. Although I didn't seem to notice it when I put my gun in there." The officer is a bit taken aback, "Your gun?". The man responds, "Yes, the one I used to shoot the driver of the car. Come to think of it, he probably has his driver's license on him, I can grab it from the trunk if you'd like." "Sir, are you telling me that there is a body in the trunk of this car?"

At this point the officer calls for backup. A few minutes later, a police captain arrives on the scene. "Sir, I am going to have to ask you a few questions, OK?", asks the captain. The man complies, "Yes, officer, not a problem." "I need you to open the trunk, but do it slowly, and make sure you keep you hands where I can see them." The man stays calm, "Not a problem officer." The trunk opens and is completely empty. The captain then asks, "OK, can you open the glove box? Again, do it slowly." The man slowly opens the glove box, then reaches inside to grab the registration. "Hmm, this vehicle appears to be registered to you..." remarks the captain.

"None of this seems to be adding up at all," says the captain. "This officer told me that you had a body in your trunk, a gun in the glove box, and that this car was stolen."

"Oh yeah? And I bet that lying son of <expletive deleted> told you I was speeding too!"

[SpaceBooger]

Today I was introducing "compounds" to my 7th graders and I asked if anyone knew what makes Baking Soda a compound. One student raises his hand and says "Arm and Hammer."

[Luke]

A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. The priest asks the rabbi, "You heard the one about us?".

[MrPopo]

A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. The priest asks the rabbi, "You heard the one about us?".

A priest and a rabbi are on a plane together. The flight attendant serves them both their meals, with the rabbi getting the kosher meal. The priest asks the rabbi, "Rabbi, have you ever tasted pork?" The rabbi thinks and says, "Yes, once in a moment of weakness I tried pork." The two men continue eating. A little while later the rabbi asks the priest, "Father, have you ever had sex?" The priest considers and replies, "Yes, before I took my vows I had sex."

"Much better than pork, huh?"

[fvgazi]

knock knock
who's there?
9/11
9/11 who?
You said you'd never forget!
-----------------
what happens when the fonz gets HIV?
he gets kool aids!!!

ba-dum-cheesh!