Gaming and Marriage. Has it caused issues?

[Exhuminator]

if it came down to a choice between a wife that I loved deeply and gaming

I understand your sentiment. But my point remains that if it comes down to that sort of ultimatum, there's something fundamentally wrong with the marriage and it's certainly not the video games.

[mjmjr25]

I've been very blessed - I say this with a straight face and 100% legitimacy; I married someone who knows what is best for me - better than I know myself. My wife has asked me to quit many things, prioritize things, plan things, etc. What may seem like control / nitpicking / micromanaging is not. In each instance it is what is best for my physical and spiritual health; as well as the health of our marriage and our family. She has not asked me to do much in way of gaming other than to say things like, "No more than 2 arcade cabinets in the house, you can have as many as you want in the garage." Or, "I don't want the kids playing any video games today."

Our marriage is a faith based marriage and many things we do (or don't do) won't apply to others so i'll leave those out. However, I think the above example applies.

If you ask yourself what she is asking you to do or not do - where is the request coming from? Is it coming from a place of micro-managing? Is she trying to control you? OR, is she questioning if this is the best use of OUR finances? Is she saying gaming is getting in the way of family / relationship time?

I think if you look at the specific comments and actions that are leading to your stress you'll find your answer. Try to divorce yourself from the equation and look objectively at behaviors and subsequent comments. ...good luck.

[mjmjr25]

if it came down to a choice between a wife that I loved deeply and gaming

I understand your sentiment. But my point remains that if it comes down to that sort of ultimatum, there's something fundamentally wrong with the marriage and it's certainly not the video games.

It absolutely could be the video games. Anything done to excess: drinking, shopping, gambling, excercising,...playing video games...ABSOLUTELY could be the problem. An ultimatum from a partner that says, "This needs to stop, here's why..." is 100% legit and does not have to imply any other underlying issues or marriage problems whatsoever.

[jp1]

if it came down to a choice between a wife that I loved deeply and gaming

I understand your sentiment. But my point remains that if it comes down to that sort of ultimatum, there's something fundamentally wrong with the marriage and it's certainly not the video games.

It absolutely could be the video games. You seem stuck on this notion that it is automatically wrong for the significant other to have a problem with video games, while there are no doubt many instances where the video games are prioritized over the marriage and relationship which is in itself a problem. Maybe I'm wrong, but possibly some sour grapes on your end with this issue? You seem very adamant.

EDIT: And... Mike beat me to it. So, +1 I guess.

[Jmustang1968]

I understand your sentiment. But my point remains that if it comes down to that sort of ultimatum, there's something fundamentally wrong with the marriage and it's certainly not the video games.

It absolutely could be the video games. Anything done to excess: drinking, shopping, gambling, excercising,...playing video games...ABSOLUTELY could be the problem. An ultimatum from a partner that says, "This needs to stop, here's why..." is 100% legit and does not have to imply any other underlying issues or marriage problems whatsoever.

Problem is, what is considered excessive is very subjective. Moderate or light amount of play could be considered excessive to someone who doesnt enjoy the hobby.

[Exhuminator]

The obsessive behavioral nature (be it neurological or psychological) is the true actual problem. What the excessive behavior is focusing upon (in this instance playing video games) is not the problem. Reconditioning oneself through therapy or time/finance management to curb excessive behavior into constrained behavior is the optimal solution. Just throwing out the video games doesn't necessarily fix the actual mental issue, because the underlying psychosis will likely manifest itself again through some other conduit.

[mjmjr25]

I understand your sentiment. But my point remains that if it comes down to that sort of ultimatum, there's something fundamentally wrong with the marriage and it's certainly not the video games.

It absolutely could be the video games. Anything done to excess: drinking, shopping, gambling, excercising,...playing video games...ABSOLUTELY could be the problem. An ultimatum from a partner that says, "This needs to stop, here's why..." is 100% legit and does not have to imply any other underlying issues or marriage problems whatsoever.

Problem is, what is considered excessive is very subjective. Moderate or light amount of play could be considered excessive to someone who doesnt enjoy the hobby.

Pro-tip:

Everything is subjective

...but common sense should prevail.

If I game 3 hours a week and my partner has an issue with it - yes, games are probably not the issue.

If I call in sick to work and miss date night with my partner to play Hearthstone - the gaming has become a legitimate issue and not indicative of any other relationship problems.

Also, change in behavior should be considered. If the person you partnered with partnered with you based on who you are and claim to be - and that changed; an ultimatum is warranted and again, not necessarily tied to any other relationship problems - more likely tied to an unctrolled addiction. Example:

If you partner with someone and are currently playing games 5 hours a week and there are no issues on either side - all is well.

After 10 years of marriage you are now playing 30 hours a week - you've made a change, and those 25+ extra hours are likely replacing family / partner / other life responsibilities.

[jp1]

I understand your sentiment. But my point remains that if it comes down to that sort of ultimatum, there's something fundamentally wrong with the marriage and it's certainly not the video games.

It absolutely could be the video games. Anything done to excess: drinking, shopping, gambling, excercising,...playing video games...ABSOLUTELY could be the problem. An ultimatum from a partner that says, "This needs to stop, here's why..." is 100% legit and does not have to imply any other underlying issues or marriage problems whatsoever.

Problem is, what is considered excessive is very subjective. Moderate or light amount of play could be considered excessive to someone who doesnt enjoy the hobby.

That's true, but it could also be applied to any line of reasoning on any problem within a relationship. It is something you have to figure out together if it's a problem. If then, once you've made an honest attempt at compromise, there is a brick wall...perhaps further investigation into the dynamics of the relationship are warranted. The thing is, the assumption that having to make any compromise at all is always unwarranted is both naive and selfish.

EDIT: Why am I not getting a notification that someone has posted between when I start and finish my post? This is starting to look like I'm a parrot.

[mjmjr25]

The obsessive behavioral nature (be it neurological or psychological) is the true actual problem. What the excessive behavior is focusing upon (in this instance playing video games) is not the problem. Reconditioning oneself through therapy or time/finance management to curb excessive behavior into constrained behavior is the optimal solution. Just throwing out the video games doesn't necessarily fix the actual mental issue, because the underlying psychosis will likely manifest itself again through some other conduit.

A lot of truth to this - but your end result assumes some other conduit must also be a negative to the relationship.

I replaced drinking beer and building crappy projects. At my wife's request I replaced beer with Pelligrino and building crappy projects with building cool projects.

The addictive personality is still there and without any negative connotation.

[jp1]

The obsessive behavioral nature (be it neurological or psychological) is the true actual problem. What the excessive behavior is focusing upon (in this instance playing video games) is not the problem. Reconditioning oneself through therapy or time/finance management to curb excessive behavior into constrained behavior is the optimal solution. Just throwing out the video games doesn't necessarily fix the actual mental issue, because the underlying psychosis will likely manifest itself again through some other conduit.

So, this time I know I am reiterating a bit. BUT, here is the thing...If I am an alcoholic, I need to quit drinking to fix the problem. I cannot simply drink less. Someone doesn't wind down an addiction because it only invites further complications with the addiction down the line. Sometimes you have to make a permanent and drastic change. Sometimes it is a small compromise, the situation has to dictate that.