Jesus Discussion/Humor Thread

[dsheinem]

If you pull any of your crazy shit with him, you flash a piece out on the lanes, he'll take it away from you, stick it up your ass and pull the fucking trigger till it goes "click." Nobody fucks with him.

[RCBH928]

Jesus has weaknesses?

[Reverend]

Lol, I'll start working on my project (Dracula vs Jesus)
Thanks for all the help.

[fumanchu]

He has a weakness for wine as he seems to end up getting nailed!!!

[SpaceBooger]

He also helps run an upscale club that you have to be on the list to get in.
I mean it's an club above all other, to get on the list you have to go and practice your singing and such every week.
And no lying about being with the band, cause that is definitely not the way to get in.

[Limewater]

And if you want to get into the cool apocolyptic stuff with the antichrist and the cracking bowls spewing forth disease with the four horseman. John's your man. The guy is short and to the point... but damn does he dream up some cool sounding shit! John's accounts are a series of dreams though, or God speaking to him. Mathew's accounts are witnessed first hand.

I think you are conflating the Gospel of John with the books 1st, 2nd, and 3rd John. Those three are the ones that talk about AntiChrists and stuff. The Gospel of John is actually held by a lot of modern Christians as the gospel most likely to have actually been written by an eye-witness. Dating on all of the gospels is a bit iffy, though.

Secular (and some Christian) scholars tend to place it later claiming it has evangelical overtones. I think the case is pretty weak, but I'm terribly biased (a Christian), and haven't actually any source documents that make that claim, just summaries.

Getting back to the OP's question:
Regarding Jesus' powers, I suppose you could claim sinlessness and extreme faith. He regularly makes it clear that any miracles he is performing come from G^d rather than himself. Also, in a lot of ways it would be a pretty big theological problem for Christians if Jesus' miracles came solely from himself.

If you're willing to look at some of the Gnostic gospels, you can find some weird stories about Jesus as a child making birds out of mud and bringing them to life, etc... The Gnostic perspective would me much more amenable to assigning specific powers to Jesus. The bit in "The Da Vinci Code" about the Gnostics presenting a more human Jesus is completely off-base.

[Mozgus]

If you pull any of your crazy shit with him, you flash a piece out on the lanes, he'll take it away from you, stick it up your ass and pull the fucking trigger till it goes "click." Nobody fucks with him.

Yeah, but his weakness is 8 year olds, dude.

[dsheinem]

Yeah, but his weakness is 8 year olds, dude.

indeed, but the creep can roll.

[Mozgus]

Yeah, but his weakness is 8 year olds, dude.

indeed, but the creep can roll.

[slag]

weakness: possibly piercing type weapons like spears and nails.
possibly getting distracted by people who need help


Strength/powers: reality bending (wine=water rocks=bread 12=9,000+ walking on water)
Massive healing ability
self regeneration. Takes a little while thou.
telepathy
getting help from Father & friends
smite evil / banishment

that's all assuming he is in God&man mode. God mode he would have something like in monopoly. "Go directly to Hell. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200". Kind of hard to balance that out thou.