noiseredux wrote:But to elaborate on what Fast said, basically my wife knows that Thursday nights I have game night. And I know that Friday and Saturday nights I have set plans to spend time with her. Then the rest of the week is basically I play games assuming there's no other responsibilities to take care of first. It's definitely about finding a balance, but also reaching an understanding.
Good point. I know Ack takes time with his girlfriend every Tuesday or Wednesday - depending on schedule. My wife and I dont do a typical "date night," but we do help each other with our hobbies. She might help me by holding wood while I cut it, and Ill help her by pulling a dress to the form so she can check it or by shaping foam for a chair she is restoring for a customer. It is all about compromise and balance. And believe it or not, the primary garden is her baby. I plan it and do daily maintenance, but she does all the planting by hand by herself.
It may not just be how much time is spent with a controller in hand staring into the TV, too. How much time does the OP spend shopping for games online, flea markets, garage sales, researching, online guides, forums, etc.?
Is the gaming the only issue or are there other problems? Can you give up more in another area of the relationship to receive more leniency in the gaming department?
"Farewell, good hunter. May you find your worth in the waking world."
fastbilly1 wrote:Yeah how much time is invested on a daily and weekly basis - ball park it?
Before I was married, I would spend a couple hours a day gaming, or working on one of my other hobbies. After it, that time has gone down because of house work and the like. But my wife and I realized that we needed something that neither of us could give eachother. She needed "girl" time with her best friend (which usually means drinking beer and making fun of what is on the tv at a nearby dive) while I need to kill badguys aswell as Ack and Noise. So Thursdays she goes to the bar and I stay home and kill monsters online.
funny, Thursday I stay home and kill monsters with you guys online... while I drink beer.
Same. Also with beer.
I play reasonably often still, but housework and cooking come first, and other than Thursday, I make sure to sit down and have dinner with my girlfriend every night. On Tuesdays she sometimes talks to her best friend long distance, so I'll play then. We often watch movies together as a way to relax, but she also enjoys a lot of shows, so I go play games while she watches those. On the weekends I'll play, but only after other responsibilities are taken care of, and every couple of hours I get up and go see how things are going with her. If she needs my help, or we need to go do something, or she just wants to spend time with me, I save and quit.
Hey there Vant3c. Sorry to hear that you're going through such a tough time.
My husband and I are both gamers who enjoy watching each other play, so we avoid this problem most of the time. A very common scene in our living room is one of us with a controller, the other with a book. That said, I am rather sensitive to violence, so there are quite a few titles he can't enjoy while I'm sharing the couch. He also likes watching current television shows that are too rough for me to handle, and he loves to go to the movies, which I almost never want to do.
We're able to handle these differences by capitalizing on blocks of unavailability in each other's schedules. If I'm working on a night or a weekend, or perhaps simply asleep (he gets up way earlier on non-workdays than I do), that's when he fits in the stuff I can't watch. He would never say that he's going to watch or play whatever, whenever, and that I'll just have to deal with it; he waits until I'm otherwise indisposed. By the same token I'm conscious of the effort he puts into postponing his hobbies for my sake, so I'll sometimes make plans or choose a personal project to engross myself in on a particular day to deliberately give him the gift of solo-time.
If your wife is calling your gaming an "obsession," though, I don't know if the solution can be a quick fix like "don't game unless she's out, occupied, or asleep." It sounds like there are sensitive feelings involved, and I have doubts that the system my husband and I share would work under such circumstances.
Still, it might be worth seeing if your putting off gaming until those times when your wife is occupied with her own plans or hobbies might generate some comfort. Talk with her about that. If she feels like she's being ignored, nothing could be better than showing her you'd rather use your time together to enjoy a joint adventure (whether that be reading, hiking, cooking, or maybe just talking) than pursuing a hobby that is, let's face it, generally a solo affair. But remember also that only you know your situation best, so you also must decide if you wife is demanding your time and attention to an extent that is unfair to you.
From my perspective, her compromise sounds good if she's simply hoping to reduce the time and energy you put into gaming in order to redistribute it to other pursuits. However, if she's seeing this as a "prove you love me more" ultimatum, well... that kind of insecurity will not be permanently assuaged by selling a few consoles.
Last edited by Key-Glyph on Tue Apr 21, 2015 9:58 am, edited 2 times in total.
BogusMeatFactory wrote:If I could powder my copies of shenmue and snort them I would
My fiance goes to bed at 9pm and I go to bed at 1am. That means I have plenty of time to game after she goes to sleep.
During the day if we're both home together I don't play video games unless I'm playing them with her (we co-op stuff).
Now when we first got together I made it crystal clear that I am a hardcore gamer who needs time every week to play games, and will also spend money on this hobby forever. And if that was a problem we might as well stop this relationship before it got any more serious. She said she understood that aspect, and thus far has upheld that understanding for five years without ever once complaining about my gaming hobby time-wise. In the past she has complained about me spending too much money on games. After a while I realized she was absolutely right about that, so we came up with a budget for me and that works well now.
We've never met, and I'm just some dude on the Internet, so take this for what it is worth. I'm also going to give some perspective on what your wife might be feeling, and I don't know her either, so again...grain of salt and such. But do remember what men hear isn't the same as what women hear.
After reading your post, I picked up that you seem a bit defensive about your hobby and also rationalize it. "I do not let my hobby get in the way of fiscal responsibilities", "I only have less then $3000 dollars invested", "I was doing this when we first started dating so its not like a new thing I just started doing". I hope you do not say these things to your wife. If you are, what she hears is "You are wrong".
If you two have had this discussion more than once, then there is a great likelihood that your wife believes you place games above her. That your games are more important to you than your relationship. Do I think you feel that way? Not at all. And do I think this split is all about your hobby? Not at all. But I do think if your wife brings up an issue that you should listen and only respond with action.
This also sounds like it has very little to do about your hobby. Sounds a lot more like it has to do with your lack of attention to your wife. She may be thinking "WE could be doing THIS, but HE'S doing THAT instead". And face it, gaming is a slack hobby and will be viewed as such, even more so by people who don't enjoy it.
The time is the issue but let me explain my typical day so that maybe all of you will have a better understanding. I work a good job that pays well with lots of over time. I work a 50 hour average week from 6.30am to 4.00pm M-F only with a occasional weekend. I work in a office environment and deal with lots of administrative work. I work in a aggregate and construction company called the Rogers Group Inc. Good company to work for. So when I get off work it takes less then 10 min or so to get to my house " lucky I know".
So I will get to the house around 4:10 or 4:15. I will take out our dog, then pick up cloths, dishes or what have you. She will come home around different times based on her job then she would either cook dinner, go out or maybe have left overs. We will sit down to eat then depending we would watch a show together like the walking dead, house or cards or things that we both liked. Watch a movie or so or do "other" enjoyable things. Around 6.30 or 7:00 I will some times head back to the game room of mine and enjoy whatever game i was playing at the time. Some times I would stay with her and watch back to back episodes of whatever show we was enjoying at the time. Now there are some shows that she likes that to be honest I do not care for but I encourage her to enjoy what she wants to do. Be it reading books, shows or anything really.
Now on the Weekends we will go do lot of things together from shopping, movies, going out to eat or other actives that we plan out. So to me I have felt that i have spent time with her and done things with her not to just do it for her but to be a part of a married couple. I know that she feels differently about it but I never saw an issue with it and it was never brought to my attention that it was a problem.
Some people want to monopolize their significant other's time as they just aren't comfortable or don't like doing things alone. I have some friends that have spouses who are like this.
It could also be an insecurity thing. The he would rather be playing games than spending time with me. Or the well when we first got together he played games, but I thought he would 'grow out of them'.
Have you considered she may want kids but feels like you are too wrapped in games to comfortably head in thay direction?
