helping someone deal with spousal abuse

[csvo2000]

Your friend needs to leave. It will never get better.

It will not be easy, it will probably take 7-8 tries before the abused person gets enough courage to leave the abuser. How do I know..? Because I deal with domestic violence situations in my career. You dont have to loose her trust, but you need to steer her into getting some help.

[J T]

I wouldn't worry too much about becoming an "enabler" as some people have cautioned. Really, she's going to need the support. You can't just expect a person in that kind of situation to just suddenly leave, even though from the outside it seems like the completely rational thing to do. You have to be the rallying cry for reason though. You lose touch with reality and develop looney expectations when you are in an abusive relationship. You can be a sounding board for what's sane and what's not, and over time she'll hopefully wise up enough to get out. Experience suggests it won't be an overnight thing though, unfortunately.

[Luke]

For a forum based on retro games, you are getting some dynamite input.

It's situations like these that if you don't act on it, something horrible could happen, and could regret not taking action. And the fact that you said that the guy hasn't abused the children "yet" scares me. I'm dead serious. That really scares me.

[Hobie-wan]

I have nothing that comes to mind that hasn't already been said. So I'll just stand here pointing and making 'listen to that guy' faces.

[Niode]

For a forum based on retro games, you are getting some dynamite input.

Probably down to our mostly mature userbase. There's only a handful of kids who post here, thankfully the subject matter (retrogaming) pretty much guarantees people who are least 20 years old.

[Beak]

I wouldn't worry about being an "enabler." She's not continuing the relationship because you keep validating it with support.

Domestic abuse is a very complex issue. You can't change things for her yourself, as much as you may want to; she's an adult and you're not her parent. All you can do, as another caring adult, is support her. She has to be the one to make the decision, otherwise no decision will be lasting. Unless, of course, you fear her life is in imminent danger--then it is your duty to help her or her kids in anyway possible. But of course you probably know that.

[Gamerforlife]

Thanks for the advice guys. Right now, I'm just being there for her, listening and making her laugh whenever I can. She's been opening up more and more about the situation. So I'm on the lookout for any warning signs and offering her advice only when she asks for my opinion. I've already told her I trust her judgement but I'm always willing to tell her how i really feel about the situation if she wants to hear it. Still a little worried about the situation, but there's only so much I can do so we'll see what happens

[Gamerforlife]

I know she wants to get away from the jerk, but she doesn't really know how to go about it yet, specially with the kids involved

[J T]

She should ask a counselor that deals with this kind of thing. There are shelters and battered wives networks they can hook her up with- places to stay safe. She should also get friends and family members involved. The more people are aware of what is going on the, the less likely he is going to be able to go after her if she leaves.

[Jrecee]

I wish I was one of those shadowy people who could say something like "For a few grand, I can make this problem go away, permanantly". Always wanted to be that person. Sadly, I'm not, and have little advice.

But I would say if it comes to the point where she's needing to get out, evidence is very important. In these situations it's basically he said/she said. Some sort of surveillance catching him in the act could be a huge benefit if it reaches that point.

Just my 2¢