I watched some movies over the holiday: Bridge of Spies, The Nice Guys, The Man from U.N.C.L.E. But you don't care about those movies. You care about:
2016 Part 2
That's right, it's the sequel to the Ghanaian smash-hit sci-fi extravaganza! Badly rendered Alien/Predator hybrids now walk around, causing random citizens of Ghana to run around screaming or kill them with crappy fake blood packs! Meanwhile, a bunch of people we don't care about shout at each other in a language I don't understand! To make matters worse, the aliens have hatched an evil plot, and our hero scientist who can spy on the aliens using a mixture of Mac screensavers and mid-90s sound systems is totally able to listen in: the aliens plan to hit Ghana where it really hurts...by destroying everyone's cellphone!
Or at least most of their cellphones. It seems like after the cellphone thing, people randomly still have them despite the numerous bad CG explosions we saw earlier, including one where a dude just vaporized into a bad CG mist. Also the folks of Ghana are apparently really quick to repair cellphones after they explode. Maybe Samsung should build a factory there.
Anyway, moving on, more people yell at each other, and the evil killer aliens walk through walls and throw motorcycles! Yes this is a real thing! But the hero scientist creates the ultimate weapon: the African T-800! Not since Shaft went to Africa has there been this much badassitude in a single African nation. Once he's got his robo-heart working, the Blackinator hits the streets with trademark leather jacket and sunglasses, where he confronts the alien menace and jumps over shitty computer generated cars that the alien kind of kicks in his direction. And then OH SNAP! THAT ALIEN HAS A HANDGUN HIDDEN IN HIS CHEST! WHY IS HE SHOOTING BULLETS FROM HIS CHEST HANDGUN?! BUT THE B-800 DODGES! And then Mortal Kombat begins! Seriously, they're shooting saw blades out of their elbows and shit. But it ends tragically for Arnold Blackenegger when he suddenly catches on fire, reveals his chrome interior that was totally ripped from T2, and seems to die...only to then cut the alien critter in half and send its torso into orbit!
More people then talk and scream at each other while RoboBlack suddenly becomes black again at some later point in the movie. I mean it, he was a robot skeleton last time we saw him, and now he's doing his Schwarzenegger impression again. BUT OH, AN ALIEN FLIES OUT OF THE SKY AND SUDDENLY SPAWNS MOTORCYCLES, WHICH HE THROWS AT BLACK AND DECKER, WHO CATCHES THEM LIKE THEY'RE THE POORLY RENDERED YAMAHAS THAT THEY ARE! AND THEN THE ALIEN ESCAPES, BUT BLACKNALD AIN'T GONNA ALLOW THAT SHIT! HE BURSTS OUT OF HIS SKIN, FLIES INTO SPACE, AND BLOWS UP THE ALIEN SHIP
BECAUSE HE CAN! AND THAT IS HOW GHANA SAVES THE WORLD, BY RIPPING OFF MUCH BETTER SCI-FI MOVIES!
And from there, peace returns to Africa.
I fucking hate these movies.
